Supernatural Hunters In Training
by meeky311
Summary: Bella is a paranormal investigator. Edward is being seduced by some frisky ghosts. Will Bella be able to help his situation? Or will she just add to the problem by seducing Edward too? This is sort of a crack-fic. Something silly or funny in every chapter. Rated M for naughty language and unique lemony situations.
1. Chapter 1 Moobs & Wet Dreams

**Big thanks to the amazing Dollybigmomma for volunteering her awesome beta skills for this story. Since it is my first attempt at writing, she certainly had her work cut out for her. **

**This story contains a lot of sexual humor, bad language and embarrassing situations. It's silly, and I've tried to put a good laugh in every chapter, so if you are into serious stories, or are easily offended, you probably shouldn't keep reading. **

**That being said...read and enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, SM does. I'm just having fun with her characters.**

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**Chapter 1: Moobs and Wet Dreams **

**BELLA**

"Emmett! If you think I'm going to let you meet our next client wearing that, then you've definitely whiffed too many of your own silent-but-deadlies today. Your brain's turned into goo!" I shouted.

"But Bella!" Emmett retorted petulantly, "Everybody who comes in here is so uptight. I thought it could be a nice icebreaker if I was only wearing my Ghostbusters boxers," he whined.

"Well, take that thought and shove it right back up your ass where it came from, Emmett!"

We were expecting our newest client any minute, and my dear friend was sitting in the middle of our little utility closet/office in his underwear. I'd swear if he hadn't been my best friend since we were five, I think I might just have to kill him. He reluctantly got up and put his jeans and t-shirt back on. Although I wished he had chosen a better shirt to wear, rather than the one that said "Save a Tree, Eat a Beaver." He was such an asshat sometimes. I think he might have actually thought he was spreading an environmentally friendly message. I often wondered how he ever got into college.

Emmett and I were in our final year at the University of Washington. I was getting my degree in Psychology. I had started up my own paranormal investigation firm for research purposes for my thesis. Our name was _Supernatural Hunters in Training,_ or S.H.I.T_. _Yeah, that was Emmett's input into our little project.

Somehow, I was able to secure a grant from the school for this little endeavor. I still had no idea how that had happened. I couldn't usually convince a bank teller to give me money out of my own bank account, let alone thousands of dollars from the school to pursue this hair-brained idea of mine.

My thesis was on the relationship between paranormal activity and fear. I hypothesized that most paranormal situations arose from fear, clouding our ability to sort out fact from fiction. Fear tended to come from the unknown, and rather than looking at things in a logical, scientific way, people tended to just classify it as paranormal. It had always struck me as fascinating how people, through their own fears, would overanalyze things to the point where they couldn't see that the simplest explanation was usually the right one.

We'd had a few cases so far. They were all "things that go bump in the night" and "doors closing on their own" types of cases. We were very easily able to dismiss their claims, usually finding old pipes and drafty hallways to be their so-called ghosts. Right now, we were waiting for our newest client, Esme Cullen. She had called us and said that she and her family had been experiencing some interesting things in their newly- acquired, turn-of-the-century Victorian home. She didn't seem to want to elaborate over the phone. She kind of sounded a little embarrassed, actually. I'd told her not to worry, and that we could talk in person in my office. I expected her any minute now.

"Bella, does this shirt make my moobs look good?" Emmett asked with his cheekiest grin.

"Oh, my God, Emmett, your moobs are _so_ big and bulging in that shirt. I think you may need to buy yourself a frilly little man-bra for them," I answered sarcastically.

"Um, excuse me, are you Bella Swan?" a timid female voice spoke behind me.

I turned around, feeling a little embarrassed over the conversation I was sure she had just heard. My eyes met with a gorgeous middle-aged woman, who was looking at me expectantly. She had a small frame, heart-shaped face and caramel-colored hair that cascaded down to her shoulders in soft waves. What caught me a little off guard were the piercing emerald green eyes that were staring back at me. The depth of their color was so perfect that there was no way they were real, they had to be contacts. _Bitch._

"Yes, I'm Bella Swan. You must be Esme Cullen? It's a pleasure to meet you." I put my hand out, and she shook it firmly. "Why don't you have a seat and tell me what it is that's going on in your home, and we'll see what we can do to help," I offered as I motioned to the chair I stood next to.

"Thank you, Ms. Swan," she sighed in relief as she sat down.

"So, why don't you just start from the beginning, and we'll go from there…" I started, hoping to urge her on. She seemed very timid and nervous about her situation.

"Well, about three months ago, my husband and I purchased a turn-of-the-century Victorian in the Queen Ann area. It's quite a charming house, and when we found out the price, we just weren't able to say no. The Realtor told us that it'd been on the market for a long time, so the price had been reduced several times. I just considered us to be lucky that no one else seemed to notice what a gem the house was. It needed some updating and restoration done, but that's what I do for a living, so I jumped at the chance."

I nodded and smiled, letting her know that I was listening.

"It wasn't until a few weeks after we had moved in, and the renovations were well under way, that I noticed things weren't quite right. At first, it was just eerie feelings and things like that. Sometimes, it felt like someone was standing right behind me. The hair on the back of my neck would stand on end, but there would be nobody there. A couple of times, I found pictures that I had just hung on the other side of the room with the glass shattered," she fidgeted with her hands and stared at the floor as she spoke.

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm as big of a skeptic as any, and I would not have come here if there was any other explanation for what's been going on." She looked as though she wanted to continue, but was holding back.

"Was there something else you wanted to tell me, Mrs. Cullen?" I asked trying to get her to open up.

"Yes, I just don't know how to explain it exactly," she replied very unsure of herself.

"Please, Mrs. Cullen, don't feel uncomfortable about anything you have to say to me. I've heard just about anything you can imagine being in this line of work. Out of the ordinary is completely normal around here." She seemed to relax at my reassurance.

"Alright, well…um…about a month ago, I noticed something else." I saw a pink blush spread across her face, as if she was really embarrassed about whatever this was.

"Please, go on. There are no judgments here. We're here to help you," I reassured her, hoping to make her feel comfortable.

"Well, my son and daughter live there as well. They'd noticed some of the other things going on, too, and like me, they wrote it off as paranoia. There were some nights when I'd wake up in the middle of the night to find my husband moaning and writhing around in our bed. I assumed he was either having a really good dream, or a really bad dream. After I noticed how often I was having to wash our sheets, I realized it must've been really _good_ dreams he was having," she stated, blushing more crimson now.

"You mean the dude was having wet dreams?" Emmett blurted out, making us both blush at that point.

"I suppose he was, but being politically correct, I'd rather refer to them as 'nocturnal emissions' if you don't mind," Esme retorted.

"I can understand your concern, Esme, but in all honesty, I'm not sure what about this you find to be paranormal," I said furrowing my brows with confusion.

"I didn't think much of it, either, until I realized the same thing happening with my son, Edward. He started looking very tired all of the time. He always had dark circles under his eyes, and I noticed that he was washing his sheets quite frequently as well. A couple of times, I heard him moaning in his room at night, just like Carlisle. When I mentioned what I was witnessing to my husband, he blew me off, saying that he was probably just sneaking some girl in at night, which is what young men do. He said that maybe if we were intimate more often, then I wouldn't have to make things like this up to occupy myself," Esme blurted out in haste, obviously offended by her husband's comment to her.

I couldn't help myself…I giggled. True, it wasn't my most professional moment ever, but that shit was funny.

"Well, I'm glad you find this amusing, Ms. Swan. I see that maybe I've made a mistake by coming here," she seethed through clenched teeth.

"No, no, no, I apologize, Mrs. Cullen. I wasn't laughing _at_ _you_! It's just that your story is pretty incredible. We here at S.H.I.T. take every claim very seriously. Surely you can see the humor in your story, but that's no excuse for my response. Of course, this case being of such a personal nature, we'll handle everything as professionally and discreetly as possible. I apologize sincerely for my little outburst," I got out all in one breath.

"Well, I suppose I can overlook it, since you're willing to help," she said as her face relaxed.

"I think the first thing we should do is come to your home and set up some recording equipment in the hot spots and see if we can catch anything on tape," I explained. "At that point, depending on what we find, we'll make a plan of attack. Will your family members have any problems with being recorded while they sleep?" I asked.

"I'll have a chat with them. Hopefully, they'll indulge their silly mother," she replied with a little chuckle.

"Well, Mrs. Cullen, it was wonderful to meet you. Give me a call after you've spoken with your family, and we'll set up a time to come out and install the cameras," I replied with a genuine smile. She was a very nice lady. I felt very comfortable around her.

"Thank you, Ms. Swan. I'll be in touch."

With that, she stood and walked out the door.

I was not sure what this lady was smoking in her free time, but this was shaping up to be an entertaining case if nothing else.


	2. Chapter 2 Pup Tents & Scooby Doo

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, SM does. I just borrowed some of her characters.**

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**Chapter 2: Pup-Tents and Scooby Doo**

**EDWARD**

"Mom! I cannot believe you're asking me to do this. Why would you let some whack jobs come in here and tape us while we sleep? It's creepy!" I shouted, completely annoyed by her request.

"Son, you don't understand. I'm worried about you and your father. Neither one of you is sleeping well, and I, for one, am scared to death of all of the strange things going on in this house!"

"Fine, I don't care. Do whatever you want," I sniped and walked away.

I didn't have the energy to argue. My mother was a wonderful sweet woman. I'd always considered her to be of above-average intelligence, which was why I was having so much trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that she thought our house was haunted. It was true that I hadn't been sleeping well at night. I didn't really mind, though. My nights had been filled with some of the steamiest sexual fantasy dreams I had ever had in my life. I admittedly was getting a little tired of having to change my sheets so frequently as of late, but so what. I had a non-existent sex life, so I would take what I could get right now.

We had recently moved out here to wonderful, _rainy_ Seattle, from the even more wonderful, _windy_ city of Chicago. I transferred from Northwestern to the University of Washington. We all had followed my father, who took a position as head of surgery at the University of Washington Children's Hospital. I was in my third year of college and currently had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. It was rather daunting, having to make so many life-altering decisions at this age. I was twenty-one, still lived with my parents and sister, and had absolutely no aspirations in life except to play x-Box and drink beer as much as humanly possible.

Most of my young life, I had been what most would consider to be a "geek." I'd never had a girlfriend, nor had I ever really cared for one. My older sister, Rosalie, was beautiful. She'd always had a boyfriend. I'd never liked how any of them had treated her, though. I'd learned early on that men were sick pigs who would try and sink their sticks into any willing hole. Now, I was not saying that I was any better at the moment, but I blamed that on the fact that I had denied myself all of these years, so I rarely had a thought that was not sexual in nature these days. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I was a twenty-one-year-old virgin/pervert. Being the geek that I was, I'd never had to worry about repelling the girls. They mostly just stayed away all on their own. I never really minded, until now. I was literally horny twenty-four-seven, and this free late-night erotica that had plagued me since we'd moved into this house was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

Now, my mother's overactive imagination had come up with the idea that our house was haunted. Quite honestly, if these dreams were any indication of what a haunting was like then count me in. I'd woken up almost every morning since I'd lived here with a shit-eating grin on my face, a tent pitched under my sheets, with a healthy-sized protein stain on them to boot. Now my mother wanted to video tape me in my sleep?

Fuck. My. Life.

She explained that a paranormal investigation team from the University would be coming over Friday night to set up their video equipment in our bedrooms. Call me crazy, but I'd never watched myself sleep, and the idea of complete strangers doing so, while I was sure to have a full-on stiffie, was a little embarrassing. Sure, there had been some other weird things happen in this house, but nothing that I couldn't find an alternate explanation for.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little bit curious as to what kind of people invested their time in ghost-hunting. I was sure they were probably a bunch of zit-faced geeks with pocket protectors who weren't suitable enough company for humans, so they had to hang out with ghosts instead.

Getting bored thinking about all of this, I decided to go to my room and play some Halo on my x-Box. While I was sitting there playing, I noticed it was getting really cold in my room. I looked down at my arm to see that all of the hairs were standing on end, and my skin was dimpled with goose bumps. Right then, I felt a cold breeze blow past my ear. That got my attention. It also got the attention of my manly parts, making them stand on end, too, so to speak. I stood up and gave my body a quick shake to get rid of the feeling that was overwhelming me. It wasn't fear or cold even. The only way to describe it was...lust? Okay, I was losing my mind. I needed to get laid soon, or I might turn into a crazy masturbating perv that wasn't allowed in public. I decided to take a cold shower and then went to bed.

_My room was quiet. The only light was the moonlight cascading in from my window. I sleepily rubbed my eyes with the tips of my fingers, so I could see more clearly. I glanced around the room, noticing that I wasn't alone. Off in the far corner, I could make out three female-shaped silhouettes. Somehow, I found my voice and managed to croak out a, "Hello, who's there?" I got no reply, but the figures began moving towards me. They inched slowly out of the shadows towards my bed, as if they were floating mid-air. There was no movement of their bodies, only luminescent profiles with long flowing hair blowing gently, as they glided through the air. _

_Just as they met the foot of my bed, the moonlight hit their faces bringing their features into view. They were breathtaking. Three of the most ethereal, goddess-like women I had ever seen were standing at the foot of my bed. They weren't wearing anything. Their long hair was flowing past their shoulders, covering their breasts slightly, their eyes were sparkling, and their lips were full, moist and inviting. I reached my arms out to them, beckoning them to me. They indulged, moving slowly up the bed, gently dragging their nails up my body as they came. Every nerve ending was standing at attention by this point. One of the three straddled my legs, flanked by the other two, who were seductively stroking the hairs on my chest. _

_The goddess in the middle slowly curled her fingers under the band of my boxers and gently started inching them down my body. My heart was pounding, and my skin was burning with desire for their touch. Once my boxers were extricated from my body, she turned her attention back to the newly-exposed flesh. She grasped my very erect cock in her hand and bent over, rubbing it up and down the length of her cleavage. She continued this exquisite torture, adding a flick of her tongue on every downward movement. The other two were licking, pinching and sucking on my taut nipples now. The pleasure sensations were rocketing through my body. I couldn't deny the building pressure in the pit of my stomach. I had to release. Just as I came, they were gone._

I sat straight up in bed, my heart was pounding, sweat beading on my forehead, and my boxers around my ankles. Damn it, not again. I swear to god it seemed like every day lately, I'd had these erotic dreams, and I would obviously start playing with myself in my sleep. Now I had to change my damn sheets again. Oh well, it was worth it, I suppose.

The next morning, after throwing my sheets in the wash, I cornered my sister, Rosalie, in the kitchen. She was drinking her coffee before leaving for school. She also attended the University, but was in her fourth year. She was studying to be a grade school teacher. I knew she'd be great at it, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I was envious that she knew what she wanted out of life.

"So, what do you think about this whole ghost investigator thing?" I asked my sister, sounding as nonchalant as I could.

"Well, if you ask me, I think mom has lost her mind," Rosalie replied.

"Why don't you say something to her?" I asked. "She's definitely more likely to listen to you than me."

"To be honest, I think it'll be kind of funny to have ghost hunters here. I watch those TV shows all of the time. If any of them look like that Zak guy on Ghost Adventures, then they can stay," she stated while fanning her face in a mock attempt to not swoon.

"That guy is a tool," I said, effectively ending our conversation. She huffed and went out the front door.

School was uneventful. I came home that afternoon to find a beat-up-looking black van parked in front of our house that said S.H.I.T. on the side. Apparently, our ghost hunters had a sense of humor. I parked my Volvo in the driveway and started walking towards the front door. I noticed some banging noises coming from the direction of the van. Upon taking a closer look, all I could see was an amazingly shapely, jean-clad ass bent over and shaking back and forth while rummaging through stuff inside. Me being the gentleman that I was, I decided to go and offer her some assistance. As I approached, I slowed down so I could truly appreciate the sight in front of me. This was without a doubt the finest piece of back door meat I had ever laid eyes upon. This ass was perfectly shaped, jeans riding low enough to make out a...what was that? A Scooby Doo tramp stamp? Oh. My. God. Was this chick for real? That was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. Ghost hunter or not, I might just have to marry this woman.

"Do you need help with anything?" I asked the Scooby ass in the sexiest voice I could muster.

She stood up so fast, startled by my voice, that she hit her head on the top of the van and proceeded to fall backwards into my arms.

I caught her around the waist, before she could hit the ground. Upon contact with her, I felt my body come alive. Electric-like tingling impulses shot up my arms and straight down to my cock. The sensation caught me so off guard that I stumbled and fell on my ass, bringing her down to the ground right on top of me.

I gathered my wits about me and looked down to see if she was okay. I saw a curtain of long brown wavy hair rise up from my chest. She raised her hand and with her fingertips, brushed the sheet of mahogany silk back to reveal the most hypnotic set of brown eyes I'd ever seen. When I said hypnotic, I wasn't kidding. I couldn't move. She held me in what I could only describe as a "tractor-beam gaze" while I sat there being utterly stupid, with a little bit of drool dangling from my bottom lip.

I didn't know how long we sat there staring, but what I did notice was that she was staring back. Somebody had to break the trance we were under and fast. And could you guess who it was? Yep, it was "Cockzilla," my now very prominent erection which was digging into her stomach that broke the trance. Yes, I'd named my penis. What guy didn't? I happened to think Cockzilla was a very creative name. It was much better than say…Butch or Princess Sophia.

She jumped up and off me so quickly I would have thought Cockzilla was breathing fire, or maybe took a bite out of her. I was instantly mortified. I stood up as fast as I could; looking down to see the pup tent I had pitched down below. I looked up at her, horrified at my body's traitorous reaction to her, only to see a huge smile plastered across her face. I felt myself instantly relax.

"Hello, I'm Edward," I spoke as I reached my hand out towards her.

"I'm Bella," she replied extending her hand to mine.

Our hands wrapped around one another, and the same jolt I'd felt the first time I'd touched her came back, racing up my arm and straight to my heart. If I could have melted right then and there, I would have. She must have noticed it, too, because the look of amazement that came across her face I was sure mirrored my own.

"_So_, you must be the ghost hunter?" I asked trying to sound casual.

She took her hand from mine. "We prefer the term 'paranormal investigator,' actually, but yes, I am," she replied, a genuine smile lighting up her entire face. "Shall we go inside and get started?" she asked nodding her head towards the house.

"Yes, we shall, let's go," I said, and we both picked up the boxes of equipment she needed from the van and made our way towards the house.


	3. Chapter 3 Yank a Doodle Dandy

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, SM does. I just borrow some of her characters.**

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**Chapter 3: Yank a Doodle Dandy **

**BELLA**

Esme Cullen called me back shortly after our meeting and told me that everybody was on board with our nighttime voyeurism plan. I happily agreed to meet her at her house Friday at 5:00pm, to get our equipment set up and do a once-over of the house. I was bringing along Jasper, my equipment tech, as well as Emmett, who we liked to keep around for grunt labor. That was about all he was good for.

I'd met Jasper my freshman year, and we'd been friends ever since. He was getting his degree in electrical engineering and was pretty good with all of that geeky technical shit. His girlfriend, Alice, also helped us out from time to time. She was a psychic medium and supposedly could hear the dead. I think she was a little bit kooky personally; but Jasper sure loved her, and who was I to judge. People that thought their house was haunted loved to hear it from the horse's mouth, I'd found. Good, bad or indifferent, whatever Alice tended to tell our clients, they took as gospel. She was kind of hard not to adore, though, in a weird, "I commune with the dead, but I'm so enthusiastic about it I might just blow an ovary in the process," kind of way. It was pretty hard not to smile when she walked into a room. She was not coming tonight, though, because we didn't like to freak the new clients out right out of the gates.

We pulled up to the house right on time. My jaw dropped at the sight of the majestic-looking three-story mansion in front of me. It was gorgeous. I felt like I'd stepped back in time a hundred years, as I stood at the end of the cobblestone walkway that wound to the front porch steps. The lawn was immaculately manicured, with small pruned hedges and little patches of flowers here and there. There was a small fountain near the porch, with a little chubby-looking cupid, spewing water out of a little pitcher.

I looked toward the front door to see a cheeky, smiling Esme staring back.

"Please, come in!" she announced very enthusiastically.

I stepped through the front door and took in a very different view than I was expecting from the outside appearance. Apparently, they had done the outdoor restorations first. There was scaffolding set up sporadically along different walls. Light fixtures and live wires were dangling precariously above our heads. There was old wallpaper littering the floor beneath us, which crunched under my feet as I moved my way into the room.

"Excuse the mess, we're definitely up to our elbows in wallpaper and plaster in here. It'll all be worth it, though," Esme beamed, as she took in the disheveled surroundings. I guess she must have been envisioning the finished product, because honestly, it looked like a hoard of angry rats had had an orgy in here to me.

"I'm sure it'll all be beautiful when you're done with it, if the outside of the house is any indication," I smiled at her as best as I could, while trying to hold in my negative thoughts on what a pile of shit this place looked like. Yeah, I could be a bit of a cynical pessimist when I wanted to be. As long as it only manifested in my inner monologue, though, I didn't offend anyone or get my ass kicked in the process.

"You remember Emmett from the office," I said to her, motioning towards the lumbering oaf next to me. Emmett was what could only be described as a very large, muscular, blue-eyed sex god, with the mentality of a twelve-year-old boy. He was a genuine sweetheart with a heart of gold, but not much of a Rhodes Scholar if you know what I mean.

Esme shook his hand and smiled, before turning her gaze towards Jasper.

"This is Jasper, our resident computer and audio visual geek," I said, letting a little giggle out, because Jasper got a little offended at the term "geek." I think he was in denial. Sure, it wasn't very professional, but I didn't really give a shit. I liked messing with him. At least he didn't look like a geek. He was what you would consider a bit of a handsome stud-muffin with brains, too. Such a lethal combo.

"Why don't you show us where to set up our cameras, and give us a little tour, explaining some of the things you've been experiencing and where," I suggested.

"Right, follow me, and I'll show you to my room first. That's where the 'nighttime lovin' is going down," she air quoted as she said this and turned a little red-faced in the process. "It wouldn't be any cause for alarm, if it was me doing the loving, but it's not, so I'm alarmed if you know what I mean," she sort of whispered over her shoulder at me.

We walked into the large master suite on the second floor. The room was in much better order than the downstairs was. It looked like the walls had been freshly painted, as there was nothing hanging on them yet. The acrid odor of chemicals was heavy in the air. There was a large cherry sleigh bed in the center of the room, with a silk duvet of burgundy and gold draped over it and a matching vanity across the room. Other than that, the room was pretty bare. Definitely a work in progress, but I could see how elegant it would be when it was finished.

"Emmett, I think we should set up over in that corner. We can get a full view of the bed, as well as most of the room," I said as I pointed to the far corner of the room near the window.

"Can you show us your son's room now?" I asked Esme. "I think that's the only other location we'll set up a camera for now, since it seems to be the only other _hot_ spot, so to speak."

"Sure, follow me. Edward is up on the third floor just above us. The walls and floors are very thin and don't offer much privacy. I've been kept up late the last several nights because of all of the noises coming from his room," she spoke sounding just a little pissed. "I really hope he _is_ just sneaking girls in. That way I can just smack him upside his head and tell him to knock it off so I can get some damn sleep," she fired off sounding even more irked now.

"Well, I'm hoping we'll be able to put all of this to rest for you," I said feeling very confident that we would. I had a very open mind, but from the beginning, this case had sounded more like one of sexual frustration rather than paranormal. Who was I to talk, though? I was about as sexually frustrated as they came. I'd had a bit of a dry spell since breaking up with my boyfriend, Jake, six months ago. I'd never considered sex to be high on my priority list, but damn did you miss it when it was gone.

We walked up the next flight of stairs and down the hall to Edward's room. It seemed to be finished with the renovations, since there were no chemical smells, and there was furniture all along the walls, which were very tastefully decorated with framed pictures of Scooby Doo, G.I. Joe, and He-Man. The man had taste, I'd admit. Just to the left of his bed were some glass shelves, littered with various figurines of the same. Now, I realized he was a grown man with kid paraphernalia everywhere, but hot damn did he hit the trifecta with his collection. I'd always been a bit of a nerd and absolutely adored Scooby Doo. I'd even gone as far as getting a Scooby tramp stamp tattoo. Yes, I had been drunk when I'd gotten it, but I still didn't regret it. I had always idolized G.I. Joe and He-man as a young girl, and I'd secretly wished I was Sheera, Princess of Power, just so I could motorboat He-Man's amazing rack.

"Wow, your son has very interesting taste," I said, taking in the surroundings.

"Yes, you can say that again," Esme spoke sounding a little put out. "He's an interior decorator's worst nightmare with this Scooby fetish of his," she added.

"Emmett, you can set the other camera up near the bathroom door over there. Jasper, you can set up command central down in the dining room," I started barking orders in my full-on queen bitch mode. What? I liked telling men what to do. Sue me.

"Sure thing, Bells," Jasper replied while rolling his eyes at me. "We're going to need more extension cords, though."

"No problem, I'll make myself useful and go get them out of the van," I said as I skipped out of the room.

I was getting a little irritated with trying to fish the two cases full of extension cords out of the van. Jasper wasn't the most organized person, and shit was lying all over the damn place. The case I needed just happened to be partially covered with an assortment of tripods and various tangled cords that resembled a snake pit. I wiggled the cords, trying to untangle them enough to move the other stuff in my way. It took a few minutes to make any headway, though. Obscenities quietly spewed from my mouth in the process. Just as I managed to break the case loose from the confines of the electronic prison in which it resided, I heard a man's voice behind me, asking if I needed help.

Startled, I jolted straight up, forgetting where I was, and proceeded to knock myself silly, hitting my head against the roof of the van. I saw stars and little birdies, and shit floating in front of my eyes, causing me to fall backwards out of the van. I braced myself for the inevitable pain that would ensue from smacking into the ground. It never came. Instead, I was met with a vibrating jolt of orgasmic goodness flowing through my whole body. I was so overwhelmed by the feeling, I quickly twisted my body around to see what was causing this, only to finish the fall to the ground that I had previously anticipated. Only I didn't actually hit the ground. There was a body under me. Not just any body, either. It was a lean, toned sexy beast of a body. I slowly raked my eyes upward, pushing my hair back from my face, to get a better look. Just as I did, I locked eyes with said man beast, and oh…my…god, I think I just came.

I laid there just staring into the depths of the most soul-searing green eyes I had ever seen. And if you could believe it, they were attached to a face that would rival the gods. I think my lady bits had just woken up and decided to join the party, too, because as I stared, I felt a small river begin to seep into my panties. Yep, ladies, it was official. The Nile wasn't just a river that flowed through Egypt; it was also raging between my thighs!

Feeling a little embarrassed about my waterworks going on down south, I decided I should gather my wits and end this little staring contest we had going on. That was when I noticed something hard digging into my stomach. Oh for the love of…was _that?_ Holy Mary, mother of sweet chubby baby Jesus! He had a stiffy the size of a damn baseball bat!

I realized I needed to get up, and fast. If I were to stay there any longer, I would have ended up with a feather in my hat, yanking his doodle dandy for sure.

I shot up like a lightning bolt. He did the same. Once we were both on our feet, our eyes locked again, and I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face, when I saw the embarrassment in his. Seeing my reaction he softened and smiled back, introducing himself. He spoke with the smoothest, most orgasm-inducing voice I'd ever heard, while reaching his hand out to me.

I introduced myself, too, trying really hard to speak without drooling, since the saliva had begun to pool in my mouth at the sight before me. I reached for his outstretched hand to shake it. I was not prepared for what happened when we touched. I felt like my entire body was enveloped in one huge blanket of invisible orgasm essence. That was the only way I could describe it. I think he might have felt it, too, by the look on his face. It was a mixture of confusion, amazement and lust, all wrapped into one.

He agreed we needed to go in and get started, and so we picked up the cases of extension cords by the van and walked into the house, grinning like idiots.

This case had just gotten a whole lot more interesting.


	4. Chapter 4 Sweet Dreams & Homemade Porn

**I do not own Twilight, SM does. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

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**Chapter 4: Sweet Dreams and Homemade Porn **

**BELLA**

Edward and I entered the house together. We went upstairs to his room, where Emmett was setting up the static night vision camera on a tripod in the corner of the room.

Emmett saw us enter and gave us his signature big-dimpled smile. Edward smiled back warmly, but unfortunately, Emmett saw that as an opening to show his true self.

"You know, my last girlfriend used to refer to _me_ as a tripod," Emmett chimed in randomly.

Yes, being as that my mind was usually in the gutter, I picked up on his little innuendo immediately. Edward looked a little confused, though. I just shook my head, looking at the floor.

"Emmett, this is Edward. He's the one we get to watch sleep tonight," I said, sounding completely embarrassed by my partner in crime.

"Right on, man, nice to meet you! I sure hope you don't sleep naked, though. That'd be a little awkward. I mean don't get me wrong and all, I'm _very_ comfortable in my sexuality, but staring at some other dude's junk all night might cause me to go blind or something. There was this one time…"

"Emmett!" I shouted, cutting off his stupid rant, "Can we please just focus on getting this stuff set up so we can get out of here and let these poor people have their evening to themselves?" I asked in a huff.

"Uh…sure, yeah…sorry, Bella," he muttered.

I'd swear I loved Emmett to death, but he just drove me insane sometimes. He tended to screw things up all of the time and was completely oblivious to it. For example, we were on another case once, where a woman claimed to be hearing voices in her basement when nobody was down there. Emmett took it upon himself to sleep down there all alone for a night with a digital recorder to see if he could capture any of the so-called voices. Now, anybody else could have handled such a task with no problems, but since Emmett was involved, let's just say that it didn't go over so well. All eight hours of digital recording were compromised in one way or another. If he wasn't sawing logs loud enough to wake the dead, he was farting or mumbling something about Ewoks and Smurfs in his sleep. I pitied the poor woman who ever had to sleep with _that_ on a daily basis.

Emmett finished setting up the equipment, while I stood there squirming in my pants a little, trying to figure out what to say to the six foot two, green-eyed, panty-melting, God-like man standing next to me. Fortunately for me, he looked just as uncomfortable as I did.

I quickly looked around the room, hoping to find something of interest we could talk about to fill the awkward silence. I glanced over my shoulder to the Scooby stuff. Jackpot!

"So, Edward, I see you have incredible taste in iconic cartoons of the eighties. I happen to be the biggest Scooby fan of all time," I said hoping that a common interest would help ease the weird tension pulsing between us.

He smirked at my comment and walked over to the shelves holding all of his memorabilia. He picked up what at first glance looked like an odd-shaped brown vibrator, complete with the French tickler. Upon closer inspection, though, I saw that it was actually a plastic Scooby figure, sitting on its hind legs, with his tail sticking up. Yeah, I think maybe it was time for some glasses, or at least a de-guttering brain cleanse. However, if they did actually make Scooby Doo vibrators, I would _so_ be the first in line to buy one.

"I love Scooby, everything about him. No matter what obstacles are in front of him, no matter how afraid he is, he always comes out on top. I wish real life was that way," Edward spoke so softly I was not sure if I was meant to hear it.

Okay, so maybe he was just a little bit geeky. It didn't matter, though, because he still made my tongue sweat at the sight of him. I couldn't wait to have hours of Peeping Tom time when we reviewed his tapes.

"Everything is set up and ready to go, Bella. We can make like a bread truck and haul buns out of here now!" Emmett bellowed from the hallway, already haulin' buns.

"Just try not to think about the camera being in your room, Edward. I'm sure you won't even notice it. If I'm being honest, I don't think we're going to find much of anything, anyways. Most of the time, these things have perfectly logical explanations, and we'll figure it out and put you're mother's mind at ease," I said trying to sound professional, while secretly wishing I could join him in that bed tonight and make a little homemade movie of our own. Yeah, probably not gonna happen, but a girl could dream, couldn't she?

"That's much easier said than done, Ms. Swan. But I do appreciate your enthusiasm. I'm just clinging to the hope that I don't do anything incredibly retarded in my sleep, so I can actually face you again after you see the tapes. It'd definitely be a travesty to not be able to see you again," Edward spoke in sort of a low, seductive voice, but it came off sounding like he might have been constipated more than anything. I thought it was endearing how cute he was, trying to be all suave and charming, when all he really had to do was smile at me, and I would have probably jizzed on the spot.

I thought to myself that I had better get out of here fast, before I _did_ end up asking him to make that adult movie starring me, him and a ghost named Jim. I didn't know who Jim was, but it rhymed, and it definitely sounded like it could have been the name of an awesome porno movie. Okay, now my inner monologue was rambling...I needed to get out of here.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow when we come by to review the tapes. Goodnight, Edward."

"Goodnight, Bella."

**EDWARD**

This really sucked.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't get the image of Bella Swan out of my mind; therefore, I had massive wood that would not go away. I was being recorded while I slept, which Bella would be watching tomorrow, and I would surely have a happy freaking teepee pitched for her in my bed if I couldn't get myself under control.

I was standing in my bathroom, trying to think of anything that was not Bella, desperately trying to shrink the swelling going on down south. Shriveled saggy boobies, gangly chin mole hairs, dad in a pink tutu flogging the dolphin…yep, that did it.

Finally feeling somewhat normal, I strolled out of the bathroom and climbed into bed. I decided to lie on my side, facing away from the camera, just in case. I couldn't seem to shut my mind down long enough to drift off, though. I couldn't believe the attraction I'd felt for this woman that I had only just met. She was amazing. When she touched me, I would swear I thought I was going to spontaneously combust on contact. I wondered if she felt the same way. The blush on her cheeks tended to make me think she just might.

After lying there for what seemed like a century, I finally gave up trying to do things naturally. There was no way I was going to fall asleep without a little help. I got up and wandered back over to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. I found just what I was looking for…the green death, otherwise known as NyQuil. I figured that should knock my ass out for a few hours. I grabbed it and took a few long pulls straight out of the bottle. I made a disgusted face, as I slammed it down and cringed. Man that stuff tasted like shit. Feeling a little more confident in the fact I might be getting some deep sleep now, without embarrassing dreams getting me worked up, I went back out and plopped down into my bed. I snuggled into my pillow, and before long, I was in the land of the unconscious.

I woke with a start the next morning. I looked around my bed, quickly making sure there were no tents pitched or telltale wet spots anywhere on my sheets. There weren't. Hallelujah! I had managed to make it through the night without doing anything embarrassing, at least that I knew of. I didn't even have the usual case of morning wood. Feeling a rush of confidence, I threw my blankets back and hopped out of bed. I was about halfway to the bathroom, before I realized something was off, literally. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked down. Oh, for the love of NyQuil-induced comas! Where in the hell were my pants? Cockzilla was staring at the floor in all his naked glory. Not forgetting the fact that I had a camera pointing right at me, I glanced up at it with a look of sheer terror and sprinted for the bathroom. Dear God! I could only hope my mom and dad's tape was remotely as humiliating as mine. How was I going to look Bella in the eye ever again? My life sucked.

**BELLA**

I went over to the Cullen home first thing after I'd woken up. I couldn't wait to start reviewing the tapes on this case. Watching someone sleep was typically pretty boring and tedious, but I couldn't seem to wipe the smile from my face thinking about watching Edward sleep. I didn't see him when I went to the house, unfortunately. He must have left already. Oh well, I had hours of uninterrupted Edward gawking time ahead of me. I couldn't wait.

After I had the tapes, I stopped to pick up Jasper on my way home. He volunteered to help me review the recordings. I much preferred his help to Emmett's, since Em tended to have the attention span of a two-year-old with ADHD, and the maturity to match.

Jasper and I settled in on my couch, each with a laptop, and popped up the footage from last night and began watching. Of course, I had the footage from Edward's room, and Jasper took the footage from his parents' room. Since not much went on at night, it was easy to catch something out of place in the room, so we set the video to fast forward, so we weren't sitting there for eight hours being bored out of our minds. If we saw anything out of the ordinary, we'd stop and back up and watch at regular speed.

It looked to me like Edward was having a hard time going to sleep. Not that I could blame him. It was a little creepy knowing someone was watching you. After about an hour of tossing and turning, it looked like he had gotten frustrated and went into the bathroom for some pharmaceutical help. He fell asleep pretty quickly after that. I sat there and looked at his peaceful sleeping face and realized how completely smitten I was with this man I had just met. I think if he was not too creeped out by me, I might just ask him out when this was all done with.

About three hours into the night, according to the time stamp in the corner of the screen, I noticed something. A white mist-like haze drifted passed the bed and then disappeared. A minute later, I saw the end of the bed dip, like someone had sat down on it. The indentation progressed up the bed slowly. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. In all of the footage we'd documented so far, I had never actually caught anything unexplained. My heart started racing.

"Hey, Jasper, you've got to see this, come here!" I shouted.

I hit rewind, so he could see it from the beginning. We sat there, perplexed at the sight before us. After a few minutes of what looked like knee indentations working their way up the bed towards Edward, the blankets started making a very slow descent towards his feet. Inch by inch, more of his body was revealed. After about five minutes, the blankets were bunched up down around his feet. He didn't stir, obviously in a very deep sleep.

"Can you believe this?" Jasper said with a look of awe on his face.

"I've never seen anything like this in my life," I replied with my eyes bugging out of their sockets, frozen on the screen in front of me.

Just when I didn't think anything could get cooler than what we had just documented as supernatural evidence, it did. I saw the elastic waistband of Edward's pajama pants start inching slowly down his hips. With each passing minute, a little more of his flesh was revealed. I couldn't even have blink if I'd wanted to. There in front of me was Edward in all of his naked male sexiness. Even limp, his penis could only be described as magnificent.

I suddenly felt a little uneasy. I felt like one of those dirty guys at the nudie bar that went into that private room, stuck his money in the slot, and watched some poor naked girl in a room with one-way glass. I think Jasper was having the same feeling. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him cringe.

"Okay, I know being a dude and all, I shouldn't have my eyes plastered to a screen full of sausage, but I just can't look away," Jasper's face had a look of disgust, excitement and confusion all rolled into one as he spoke.

"I know what you mean. I can't believe what I'm seeing. Not only do we have documented evidence of a spiritual nature, but I get a cheap thrill in the process. I've never seen a more beautiful wiener in all my life." Oh shit! My verbal filter was off. I couldn't believe I'd just said that out loud.

My comment finally prompted Jasper to look away from the screen. He looked over at me with his eyebrows raised in question, yet an all-too-knowing look on his face.

"You've got the hots for our client, don't you?" Jasper asked with a giant cheesy grin.

"Look at that magnificence on the screen. How could I not?"

"Well, then let's get back to the show and see what happens next," Jasper said, as we both turned our attention back to the screen.

Another five minutes or so lapsed, and Edward was just lying there with his pants around his ankles and his limp manhood exposed. Then I noticed the bed dip again up by his hip. Moments later, what was previously a limp noodle, started slowly erecting into a majestic skyscraper of flesh. Edward was now at full mast, still sound asleep.

My jaw hit the floor. What in the hell was happening? It was obvious that Esme had been right. These men were being molested in their sleep by some unseen force. I think I might have been in over my head. It was much easier being able to debunk the paranormal than actually dealing with the reality of it. I'd never thought I would have to.

Edward started squirming a bit in the bed, obviously being celestially pleasured. He let out a low guttural moan and flipped suddenly over onto his stomach, his glorious backside now on display. Once he flipped, all movement and sound stopped.

I continued watching on fast forward throughout the rest of the nights' footage. Edward managed to kick his pants off completely at some point and rolled back over onto his back. I was not sure which view was better to be honest with you. He had an incredible backside, but holy hell did he ever have a nice pork sword going on. He eventually got cold and pulled the blankets back up over himself, and from there on, the video was pretty boring. Until he woke up that was.

It was the cutest thing I had ever seen in my life. He shot straight up from a sound sleep and started looking around frantically. His hair, which was usually in a state of disarray, was even more so now, looking sort of like a bird's nest on his head. He patted around in the sheets looking for something, but seemed to be pleased when he couldn't find it. Hmmm, that was odd.

By this point in time, to be honest, it had sort of slipped my mind that he was naked under those blankets. That was until he got up. He didn't seem to notice at first, as he stretched and scratched the back of his head, making his way towards the bathroom. All of a sudden, he stopped abruptly, looked down, jerked a bit in realization as he shot a panicked glance at the camera, and then ran for the bathroom.

About an hour later, I noticed the camera pan around to the right and stop, facing the wall. I guess Edward had had enough of the voyeurism for one night.

I turned and looked over at Jasper.

"Well, that was certainly interesting. How did Edward's dad sleep last night?" I asked Jasper.

His face was contorted in some weird way that made him look like he was smelling a really bad fart or something. He looked at me and turned the laptop screen in my direction.

"You're not going to believe this," he said wide-eyed.

I watched the screen in stunned amazement at what was happening in the Cullen master bedroom...

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**A/N: Sorry about the cliffie, but it had to be done. Let me know what you think!**


	5. Chapter 5 A Really Bad Day

**I do not own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does. I just molest her characters a little!**

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**Chapter 5: A Really Bad Day for Edward and Bella**

**EDWARD**

I couldn't believe what an incredible spaz I was. I'd met the woman of my dreams yesterday. I'd gotten to spend a grand total of thirty minutes with her, and now I was doomed to never get to see her again. How could I? Somehow, I'd managed to put on some sort of striptease in my sleep, with her watching. I didn't even want to know what Bella was going to think about that tape. I was completely mortified, and I wouldn't be able to look her in the eye ever again. Fuck my life! I seemed to be saying that a lot lately.

As soon as I realized that I had somehow managed to give my pants the slip and then flashed the camera, I bolted straight into the bathroom, which was where I was currently sitting. I'd been in here for over an hour. I couldn't get up the nerve to walk back out into my bedroom with that camera still on. I had no idea what I was going to do. Whatever I had done in my sleep last night just had to be bad with my luck. The shitty part was that I didn't even remember having any of those erotic dreams last night, so why no pants? I had no clue, but I couldn't sit in here forever. This cold tile floor I was sitting on was likely going to give me a hemorrhoid or something. It was shit or get off the pot time. I was going to put my big boy panties on and take charge of this situation. i.e.: I was gonna run out of the house like a scared little bitch.

I stood up and walked the three steps to the bathroom door. I opened it and stuck my arm out to where the camera was set up in the corner. I turned it around until it was facing the wall, so I could exit my self-made prison in the bathroom. I dressed quickly and left the house, before Bella could get here to pick up the lovely little peep show I had left for her.

It was Saturday, so I didn't have school today and really had no idea where I was going to go. All I knew was that I couldn't go home until she'd come and gone. Without a plan in mind, I jumped into my silver Volvo and took off.

Just drive…that was a great idea, as I figured it would give me time to regroup and focus on the issue at hand. At least I'd thought it was a great idea, but about ten minutes into my drive, I was stuck in gridlock on the I-5, with no end to it in sight. Typically, when you hit the highway, you'd think it should be smooth sailing, with the wind blowing in your hair, while singing really off-key to some rad eighties music. Not here in Seattle. Here, it was more like put the car in park and wait while rain pelted your car mercilessly and you flipped off the assholes sailing past you in the carpool lane. It was not like Chicago was any better, though. I really think I was turning into a whiny little girl these days.

Once I got about ten miles from my house, more than an hour had already passed, so I turned around to head back. I figured that by the time I got home, Bella would have come and gone, and I could crawl into my hole and die. But yet again, I found myself stuck in traffic, crawling at a snail's pace. I couldn't say that I really minded at this point. I wasn't really excited about getting home, truth be told. The longer I sat in my car, the more I thought about what had transpired. I couldn't believe what a dork I was. I was such a geek that I couldn't even be cool in my sleep. At this rate, I was going to end up being an eternal virgin.

Another hour later, and I was finally pulling into my driveway. I parked the car, got out and walked into the side door that entered directly into the kitchen. Rosalie was sitting at the table, drinking coffee and reading the paper.

"Hey, Sis," I said trying not to make eye contact, hoping she wouldn't try to initiate any conversation. I just wanted to make it into my room and stay there until further notice.

"Hey, Bro, how did your short-lived porn career go last night?"

Shit! She knew. How could she know already?

"I don't know what you were told, but I have no idea what happened last night. All I know is that my pants went AWOL at some point, and I realized it a second too late," I said a little louder than I'd meant, panic lacing my voice.

"Hmmm. Well, actually, I didn't know anything. I was only assuming, but you just confirmed everything I needed to know. Thanks for the ammo, baby bro!" she said with an innocent smile. Well, wasn't I just a colossal jackass. I'd just given her harassment material for the rest of my life.

By this point in time, I didn't even attempt to make any witty retorts. It would have just blown up in my face, anyway. I turned abruptly and marched straight to my bedroom, closed the door loudly, and vowed I wasn't going to come out until I was forty. Not a very realistic plan, I knew, but it made me feel better for the time being.

**BELLA**

"Okay, Jasper, we have to figure out a game plan here. This case just got a lot more interesting, and we aren't going to be able to get by with debunking anything. What you and I saw in that video, there's no logical explanation for it," I said hoping for a little guidance, since Jasper was one of the smartest, most levelheaded people I knew.

"We need to approach this as tactfully as possible. If they know what we saw in the video, it's possible that they'll be too embarrassed to let us continue our investigation," Jasper spoke in his eloquent self-assured voice. "I think we need to consider bringing Alice into the mix. She'll be able to get a read on what's going on in that house and what we can do to stop it," he continued.

I think Jasper's logic was spot on, but I always got a little uneasy bringing Alice into the mix. We hadn't really needed her services with a real haunting yet. We usually used her to reassure our clients that our assessments of their situation were correct. For some reason, when you brought in a psychic, and they told you your house was or wasn't haunted, people always believed them. The reason for my nerves, however, stemmed from the fact that Alice always had other little tidbits of information to bring to the party that had nothing to do with the situation at hand, usually with interesting results.

The last time we had brought her in on a case had been a little bit crazy to say the least. Mike and Jessica Newton, the people we had been investigating for, claimed to hear loud banging noises randomly throughout their house. Our investigation had led us to some pipes that had become loose inside the walls over the years and would rattle around whenever the toilet was flushed. Unfortunately, since Alice didn't have any ghosts to commune with on that case, her sixth sense picked up on the fact that Mike Newton had been banging the babysitter. She let that information slip out of her mouth with no forethought on the matter. As if that hadn't been bad enough, she also let them know that the babysitter had been getting it on with Jessica as well. I was not really sure if that had all ended in a divorce or a happy little threesome. At any rate, we really hadn't needed Alice's services on that one, and I hadn't wanted to bring her in again, unless it was absolutely vital. I think that time had come.

Judging by what we had witnessed on those videos, we were definitely dealing with a succubus of some sort, and I didn't have the first clue how to deal with it. Alice would know.

"Yes, Jasper, it's time to get Alice involved," I responded.

"Can you give her a call, while I call Esme Cullen?" That was going to be a conversation I was not looking forward to, but it had to be done.

"Sure, I'll have Alice come over here, and we'll show her this footage before we go back over to the Cullen house with her," Jasper replied.

I picked up the phone and dialed the number for Esme Cullen. I didn't want to freak her out, so I figured I would take the less-is-more approach with the information I gave her for now. She'd have enough freaking out to do once we arrived up with Alice and showed her what had really been going _down_ at night, literally. The phone rang twice, before she picked it up.

"Hello, Mrs. Cullen, it's Bella Swan."

"Hello, Ms. Swan, I hope you have some news for me regarding our situation. Tell me, what did you find?"

"I'd rather not discuss this over the phone, Mrs. Cullen. Would it be alright if we came over and discussed it in person?" I asked.

"I don't like the sounds of this," she replied hesitantly.

"We did capture some video evidence last night that definitely proves you're not crazy. That's about all that I'm comfortable with telling you over the phone."

"Yes, please, come over right away then," she said sounding a little panicked.

"We'll be over within the hour. See you then."

I hung up the phone and glanced over at Jasper. "Is Alice onboard?" I asked.

"She is. She's on her way over now. We'll all head over there together, after we show her the tapes."

Jasper, Alice and I pulled up to the Cullen house a little while later. We walked up to the front door and knocked. Carlisle answered and greeted us with a warm smile, looking quite hunky for an older dad-type. He led us into the dining room, where Esme was sitting, drinking a cup of tea.

"I'm so glad you're all here. Would anyone like some tea?" Esme offered.

"No, thank you, unless there's some vodka in it. I could use something calming right about now," I spouted nervously.

Esme reached behind her and grabbed a bottle of vodka off of the curio and held it up to me.

"What the hell do you think I've got in mine?" she said sounding like a bit of a smart ass.

"Well then, hook a girl up! We're definitely going to need it after this," I stammered.

She poured me a cup and handed it to me as I sat down. My nerves were getting the better of me, though. My traitor hand shook a little, as I tried to take a sip. Esme got a worried look on her face for a second, but then she glanced over my shoulder towards Alice and Jasper. Realizing my professionalism was slipping, I decided to take the attention off of me by making introductions.

"You've met Jasper already, and this is his wife, Alice. She's a psychic medium. We brought her along tonight to help us shed some light on this situation. Alice, this is Carlisle and Esme Cullen," I said smiling, as if we were meeting up for afternoon tea or some shit. I think I was really starting to hone my acting skills.

"Bella, dear, I can call you Bella, right? Why don't we cut out the pleasantry bullshit and get to the point here. You're scaring the hell out of me. What on God's green earth did you see on those tapes that has your panties in such a twist?" Esme said, catching me completely off guard. Who knew she was such a badass?

Since she didn't seem to be one for beating around the bush, I cut to the chase and let her have it right back.

"Fair enough, Esme. I can call you Esme, right? You have what is called a succubus in your home. They're spirits that prey on sleeping males and have their way with them sexually. It seems as though your son and your husband have both fallen victim to this entity, but they're not the only ones involved. You've also been included in this equation for some reason." With that, I sat my laptop on the table and turned the screen towards them with the video evidence ready to play.

I started the video, and we all watched with rapt attention at the events playing out in front of us. In the footage, Carlisle and Esme were both sound asleep, lying on their backs. They looked like how you would imagine Ward and June Cleaver slept, except they were in the same bed, of course.

Much like what had happened with Edward, their blankets slowly started descending down towards the bottom of the bed. Once they reached the end of the bed, Esme sat straight up, as if she was a marionette dangling from invisible strings. Her torso was rigid, while her head was bobbling back and forth, and her limbs lay lifeless at her sides. One leg then flopped over the side of the bed and onto the floor. The other followed close behind. With a jolt, her lifeless form rose from her sitting position and stood erect. Her head was now hanging towards the floor, and her shoulders were pitched high around her ears, as if she were being held up from under her arms. She stood there immobile by the side of the bed for around ten minutes, so I decided to fast-forwarded a little and get to the good stuff. I stopped the video just as she slowly turned around. Now facing Carlisle, her limp arm reached over to the nightstand and opened the top drawer. She grabbed something out of it, but it was hard to make out exactly what it was.

With the mystery object from the nightstand in her hand, she once again turned and slowly started walking around to the other side of the bed where Carlisle still slept soundly. Once she reached her destination, she leaned over and began pulling Carlisle's pajama pants down. She pulled them until they were just above his knees, revealing all of his manhood. Yes, it was safe to assume that he and Edward were related. Even limp, this thing could have been photographed and put on the cover of GQ. It was definitely one hot piece of peen.

Esme stood there for just a moment, motionless once again. Her eyes were still closed, and her head was still hanging towards the floor. It was actually pretty creepy to watch. I chanced a glance back towards Carlisle and Esme as the video played, trying to gauge the reactions they were having. I couldn't say I was surprised to see eyes popping out of their sockets and mouths hanging agape. You could tell by her reaction to seeing this and the unnatural way that her body was moving that there was no way Esme was moving on her own accord. She was a human puppet.

I turned my attention back to the video, just as Esme started to move again. She took the mystery object she had pulled from the nightstand and raised it up to eye level. It was still hard to make out exactly what it was, but it looked to be a squeeze tube of some sort. She popped the cap open, tipped it upside down and squeezed a clear liquid out all over Carlisle's still-sleeping trouser snake. On a closer look, you could just make out the "KY" lettering on the tube. Now one would think that since Carlisle was thoroughly exposed and lubed up, she would jump right into action. She didn't. She turned around and shuffled slowly over to the wall across the room and just stood there, completely still, with her back facing Carlisle.

What did happen next was what had me so worked up about coming here and having to show them this video. Up until this point, Carlisle hadn't stirred in the slightest in his sleep. Once Esme was out of the picture, he immediately woke up…and not in the literal sense. His perfect man parts went from zero to hero in 2.6 seconds. He lay there still, at full mast, glistening with the lube that Esme had so graciously applied, before retreating to her spiritually-enforced time-out corner. Apparently, she had not been wanted at the party. And what a party it had been.

A white haze appeared next to the bed, much like what we had seen in Edward's room. It resembled that cigarette smoke haze that lingered in a stagnant room. This haze didn't dissipate, though, like it had in Edward's room. It began swirling around on itself and then concentrated mid-air, forming what looked like two translucent female silhouettes. They descended upon Carlisle's sleeping form. One was positioned above his head, and the other was...well...above his other head, I guess.

As the wispy haze gravitated closer toward his body, his cock twitched and then began to gyrate around in a circular motion, much like my purple jack rabbit with the swirling beads did. Now, I didn't know about anyone else, but I'd never seen a real penis that was able to replicate that kind of motion on its own. It appeared as though he was being manually pleasured by whatever it was hovering over him, while Esme still lifelessly faced the wall.

His hips started moving in time with his penis gyrations. His head started thrashing back and forth, as his face contorted in pleasure, and his lips pursed. Just then, the second form moved over his face in what looked like an open-legged straddle. It stayed there, as his face made a "motorboat-type" motion between the spectral legs of the mist. After a few more minutes of ghost-tastic wanking and fellating, Carlisle popped a protein geyser, the likes of which I had never seen before. He could have definitely given Ron Jeremy a run for his money. I think he could have had a very lucrative porn career if he had wanted it.

Just after he came, the white haze dissipated. Esme stepped back from the wall, still looking like a rag doll, and walked back over to the bed. She flopped her upper body backwards onto it, as her legs were lifted by an unseen force and put up on the bed as well. Carlisle's pajama pants made their ascent back up his body to their rightful place around his waist, and the blankets soon followed suit. They were now back in bed in the same positions they'd started in. The rest of the night was uneventful.

I shut the laptop and turned to look at the very pale-faced couple, who looked like they had just found out there was no Santa.

"So, I guess now you can see why my panties were in such a twist." I looked over at Esme, hoping to get some sort of response, but she just sat there. Not blinking, not moving. I was not even sure if she was breathing. I turned towards Carlisle then to see if he could speak or if he'd turned into a deaf mute as well. He was about ten shades of red and looked like he might hyperventilate.

"So I'm assuming by your reactions that this wasn't quite what you expected was going on?" I asked hoping to break their trance.

Carlisle looked at me and began to stutter.

"I….I…had no idea…what _was_ that? I didn't even wake up? How could I not wake up? What in the hell is wrong with me?" He looked like a lost little puppy as he spoke, and I wanted so badly to reach over and pat his head. I restrained, fearing that would only make matters worse.

Just then, Alice interjected.

"You weren't able to wake up. They made sure of it," she said very calmly and knowingly.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"The moment I walked into this house, I could feel the hold they have over all of you. There's a female presence here that feels very possessive of the men in this house. They have the ability to induce what's called a psychic sleep on their victims. No matter how much commotion is going on in the room, they will not allow you to wake up or move if they don't want you to," she spoke as if this should have been common knowledge to anyone.

"What do they want from us?" Esme asked timidly, finally snapping out of her trance.

"I'm not sure yet. I haven't been able to get a read on their intentions. It seems like they may just be enjoying a good time at your expense. There are a lot of feelings of lust and playfulness I sense in this house. They don't seem to want to talk to me right now, so I can't be sure what they want without a séance to ask them directly," Alice responded.

Wow, a séance. I'd never done one of those before. It should be interesting to say the least. I hoped it didn't piss off whatever was in the house, though. Maybe next time, they'd forget to use the lube, and Carlisle would end up with a terrible case of chaffing. That would be a pity for such a pretty peen.

"When can we do it?" Esme asked, bringing me out of my inappropriate thoughts about Carlisle's genitalia.

"I'd like to do it tomorrow night. I'll have a few things I need to prepare, and we'll need to make sure your whole family is in attendance, as this affects everyone in this house," Alice said.

"Speaking of your family, where's Edward? I'm sure he'd like to know what's going on," I asked.

"He's been in his room all day. I haven't even seen him come down to eat or anything," Esme replied.

I couldn't say that I was surprised he was hiding out. He'd looked like someone had pissed in his Wheaties when he'd realized his junk was dangling in front of the camera for my ogling eyes to see. I hoped he realized that I had absolutely no intention of showing his tape to his family. I'd left that at home for the spank bank. Not to mention the fact that what had happened to him wasn't nearly as bad as what had happened to his parents. I think I needed to go put his mind at ease.

"Do you mind if I go speak to him? I want to make sure he's aware of what's going on, since he's involved as well," I asked Esme.

"Did something happen last night with him, too?" she asked with that worried mother-hen look. I got a dreadful feeling that if I told her what had happened, she was likely to try and shank a bitch at the séance. Less was more…less was more...I kept repeating this in my head, before I injected my foot into my mouth yet again.

"Nothing major, just some things moving on their own and stuff like that." It was a half-truth, but she didn't need to know that her son's very ample beef bayonet was drawn and at the ready for my viewing pleasure last night.

"Alright, I trust you remember where his room is? Go ahead and see yourself up."

I walked up the two flights of stairs leading towards Edward's room. My mind was wandering back to earlier that day, when I'd had the privilege of eyeing his package openly. He certainly made my insides tingle when I think about him. What was I going to say to him, though? I was sure he was going to be embarrassed to see me, but I figured I would work it to my advantage. I'd reassure him that I'd liked what I saw and possibly wouldn't mind seeing it again sometime. Boost his ego and get my foot in the door while I was at it. What if he didn't like _me _like that, though? Crap, I was going to go mental if I kept thinking. Just feel. That was my new motto. Just do what felt right, and good...ohhh, and I was sure it would feel good.

With my new-found confidence, I walked down the hall towards his room and came to a stop in front of his closed door. I raised my hand to knock, but I clearly heard him say my name, then some other garbled words, and then what sounded like come in. Huh...he must have heard me coming up the stairs and had decided to be nice and let me know to just come on in. I thought it was a nice gesture, and it reassured me that maybe he wouldn't be as uptight about the situation as I'd thought. I smiled, took a deep breath and opened the door.

Upon entering, I could see that I had clearly misjudged the situation. There, sitting on the bed, was Edward. He had that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look on his face, and it only took me about a half of a second to figure out why...

"Holy mother of fat midgets!" I yelped, unable to disguise the surprise from my voice.

Edward let go of the chubby he was currently nursing in his hand, jumped up off of the bed and quickly pulled his pants back up.

"Don't you know how to knock?" he spat at me, while frantically eyeing the room for the best escape route.

"I heard you say my name, and I thought you said to come in!" I spat back at him.

I saw his face turn crimson, then maybe a little blue, then…yep, there was some purple in there, too. I think he was about to go atomic on me. I'd come up here initially to try and ease the embarrassment I was sure he'd felt from this morning, only to catch him in an even more embarrassing situation. I had to alleviate the tension and fast.

"Edward, it's okay. You don't have to be embarrassed. I do it all the time. It's natural." Wait a minute...did I just out myself as a member of the frequent bean flickers club? Crap, now he was going to think I was some sort of perv. I needed to fix this.

"I don't do it _all _of the time…I mean I uh...do it sometimes. I think everybody does it sometimes…I mean."

He was just looking at me like he might cry or something. I didn't know what to do. My plan to get to know this guy kept blowing up in my face. I'd never been so attracted to anyone in my life. Now, I'd not only seen his father naked in the same day as I'd seen him naked, but add in the lubed-up gyrating jack-rabbit peen, the ghostly motor-boating, and now the self-loving I had just walked in on, and you had another fucked-up day in the life of Bella Swan.

I think I needed to go find Esme and that bottle of Vodka.

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**A/N: I hope you all enjoyed it! Next chapter will be Edward's take on the embarrassing situation he's once again found himself in. Not to worry, he'll redeem himself. Gotta keep reading to see, though!**

**Let me know what you think!**


	6. Chapter 6 Busted!

**I do not own Twilight, SM does, just perving her characters up a bit.**

**Here is Edward's POV on the whole getting caught red-handed situation...Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 6: Busted!**

**EDWARD**

The boredom was unbearable. I'd been sulking alone in my room all damn day. I was also starving to death and couldn't seem to get my hormones under control to save my life. Every time I thought of her, I couldn't help but get all warm and tingly inside, and then I had to fight the urge to go find her, throw her down and stake my claim. But I couldn't do that. Not now.

I kept replaying the fact that I'd been full frontal for that camera this morning, and that Bella had undoubtedly seen it by now. I would have definitely enjoyed showing her my nudeness at some point, but not like that. As embarrassed as I was, I could not seem to get her brown doe eyes, pouty full lips, and long, silky brown hair out of my mind. I'd never been so attracted to anyone...ever. I'd only had a few precious minutes in her presence, and I was completely smitten with her for some reason. I wanted so desperately to suck up my pride and face her, as if nothing had happened. Something had happened, though. I'd made myself look like a complete tool, and I was scared shitless of what she thought of me now. What if she didn't like what she saw? What if my inexperience would be a turnoff to her? I was sure she'd had her share of lovers in her life, so what could I possibly have to offer her? So many questions, so few answers…

The shutting of a car door pulled me from my self-deprecating thoughts. I stood up and walked over to the window to see who was here. Of course, it was Bella, sauntering across the lawn like the saucy little minx that she was. I wondered if she realized the way her hips swiveled looked like Jessica Rabbit's when she walked. Dear Lord, the affect this woman had on me. I could not even think clearly anymore, with all of the impure thoughts she inspired in my already-perverted brain. I could feel myself stiffen just looking at her. Great, now I had a raging hard-on to deal with. I sat in the chair by the window, willing the fat midget struggling to bust through my zipper to go back to sleep. My very prominent mortification of the day was still in the forefront of my thoughts, and I wasn't exactly in the mood for manual stimulation at the moment.

I sat there for at least forty-five minutes, trying to reason man-to-man with the bulge in my pants, to no avail. Every time I'd begin to will it away, an errant thought of Bella would cross my mind, and my stiffy was back in full force. As much as I didn't want to at the moment, I gave in to the needs in my southern region and decided to take matters into my own hands, literally.

I walked over to my nightstand and withdrew my preferred bottle of lube. Yes, I had a variety of them, depending upon my mood. Today it was the strawberry-scented one. For some reason, it reminded me of Bella. She smelled like strawberries. I just wanted to cover her in Cool Whip and devour her whenever I thought about her. The scented lube just seemed to fuel that fantasy in my mind a little. I dropped my pants and boxer briefs down to my knees and sat down on the edge of my bed, reaching for the box of tissues that sat on my nightstand. I was going to need them.

I glanced over at my door, thinking maybe I should lock it. Well...nobody in my family ever came in without knocking first, and I'd already dropped trou...so I wouldn't worry about it. I proceeded to squeeze an ample amount of lubrication into my palm and went to work on taming Cockzilla.

I reeled at the sensation I was giving myself, as I methodically stroked up and down my shaft, twisting and turning with just the right amount of pressure. I imagined it was Bella's hands on me, or maybe even her mouth. The thought sent my body pulsing with waves of pleasure. I thought of every position I'd like to take her in, what kind of sounds she would make, as I pounded into her relentlessly. Bella-fueled masturbation didn't seem to take as long as my previous flesh floggings had, though. Within a few minutes, I started feeling the telltale ball clenching that usually precluded my imminent eruption. It felt so good I couldn't keep myself quiet. I started moaning like a whore all of a sudden. I quickened my movements, anticipating the intense orgasm that was quickly approaching. I was so close, but something was holding it at bay for some reason. I needed something to push me over the edge. It dawned on me that Bella was what I needed. I called out her name, as if I was actually in the throes of passion with her, and instantly felt my pleasure peak. The indescribable feeling that came over me caused a low murmur of profanities to escape from my lips, just before saying I was cumming with a grunt. What happened next really shouldn't have surprised me.

Just as my load shot all over my hands, my bedroom door flung open. Before I could even react to take my hand off of myself or even attempt to cover up, I locked eyes with none other than Bella Swan. Fuck my life...again!

The look of shock on her face I was sure had nothing on mine. It took a few seconds for me to register the fact that I was still fondling myself while Bella stood there. Once I did, I quickly scrambled to my feet and pulled my pants back up, leaving a bit of the evidence of my activities smeared on the leg of my jeans in the process.

Shit! Why didn't she knock?

I spat my question about her not knocking, not intending to sound like a complete asshole, but failing miserably. She spat back just as hotly that she'd thought I'd said to come in! She said it as if it was completely obvious. Why on earth would I have yelled for her to come in...oh, saggy tits on a tomcat! She had heard me calling her name when I was cumming. The thought enraged and embarrassed me to the point I thought I might actually have a stroke. I could feel my face flush, and my heart was pounding in my chest hard enough that I thought it might fall out onto the floor. What was I going to say? There was obviously no way to talk my way out of this one. I might as well go stick my head in the toilet and just leave it there.

Then she started trying to back-peddle, saying it was natural and shit, and that she did it all the time…

Wait...what? Did she just say _she _did it all of the time? Well, that was a nice visual...shit, now I was getting hard again. Must not think of Bella touching Bella, bad idea...

Then she started trying to cover herself, sounding a little unsure of her previous statement. Was she only trying to make me feel better? Did she not really play with herself, too? Damn. My wonderful thoughts of a beautiful naked Bella writhing around on her bed with her fingers lost in her wet folds...illusion ruined. I felt like I might cry.

She huffed and threw her hands in the air in exasperation. She turned abruptly, shutting my door, and marched straight passed me and flopped down onto my bed, as if nothing had happened. I gave her a strange look, hoping she'd tell me what she was thinking and put me out of my misery once and for all. Just then, I got what I wished for and then some. She unloaded.

"Edward, I've got to tell you...I understand you might be embarrassed right now in light of what I just caught you doing, not to mention the video I watched today, but don't. It doesn't matter. I like you, and I hope you like me, too."

I didn't know what to say. She'd just told me she liked me. She liked me, even though she had just walked in on me with my wang in my hand. She was amazing.

I found my voice somewhere amidst the mortification that was still choking me.

"I like you, too," was all I could muster.

She smiled at me, and I felt the weight of the world lift off of my shoulders. She patted the bed next to her, beckoning me over. I went over and sat down, instantly feeling that zinging current crackling between us.

"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me. Let's just pretend like I've never seen you naked and go from there," she said, suddenly looking unsure of herself again.

I really, really like this girl, and somehow, I needed to make things right between us. She seems to be making an effort, so I owed her nothing less.

"I think you're quite an amazing woman, and I can say in all honesty that I'd like nothing more than to get to know you better...before I get to see _you_ naked."

She laughed.

We sat there for a while and talked about nothing and everything, neither one of us mentioning the awkward beginning of the day. I was somehow completely at ease around her now, as she was with me. I couldn't believe the change, considering what a day from hell it had been.

After a while, I noticed Bella's expression change into one of apprehension. I stopped talking and gave her a puzzled look.

"I need to talk to you about something, Edward," she said hesitantly.

The cryptic sound of her voice instantly rattled me.

"What?" I squeaked out, sounding like a scared little girl.

"It's about the tape. I know you don't really want to talk about it, but I think you should know why you were missing your pants when you woke up."

Oh great. Now she wanted to give me a play-by-play of my night-time antics. I was not sure this was a conversation I wanted to have.

"It's not what you think! You didn't do anything wrong. You were taken advantage of," she blurted out, sensing my unease.

Now I was intrigued. I was taken advantage of? How in the hell would I be taken advantage of and not even know it? This I had to hear.

"Go on…" I urged.

"You and your family have a spirit in your home that preys on men while they're sleeping. They have their way with them sexually, while inducing a deep psychic sleep. There's no way you could've done anything about it," she stated matter-of-factly.

Could she be serious? That was the biggest load of crap I'd ever heard. I didn't believe in ghosts to begin with, but she was sitting here, telling me with a straight face, that I had some lascivious spirits that liked to whip out my junk while I slept. Highly un-freaking-likely.

"Bella, I think you're an extremely beautiful and intelligent person, but that comment is making me question your sanity just a bit. There's no such thing as… "

"Do you want to see the tape? I think you'd change your mind after you see what I saw," she replied, completely un-frazzled by the fact that I had more or less just called her crazy.

"Or I could show you the tape of your dad. He had a lot more fun than you did last night," she said with a smirk.

I didn't exactly relish the thought of reliving the nightmare of the magically disappearing pants, but I'd hate to think that I was crushing on a looney chick. Maybe I should hear her out. If she was right, then she was not crazy, and I was actually getting a little action. If she was full of shit and needed prescribed Lithium or some shit like that, then I was no worse off than I was when I woke up this morning.

"Alright, Bella, show me the tape and prove me wrong."

"I can't right now. I uh...sort of left it at home," she stuttered.

Well, this was interesting. Why wouldn't she have it with her? I must have done something really embarrassing in that video, because now she was blushing and staring at a piece of lint on my blanket very intently.

"Why didn't you bring it to show me?" I asked.

"I didn't want your parents to see. It's kind of private. I didn't need it to prove anything to them, anyways. Their footage was all we needed to validate your mother's concerns. It was pretty...how do I say...risqué," she said with a slight smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

"Do I get to see my parents' tape?"

"The more I think about it, I don't think you want to do that, Edward. There's not enough brain bleach in the world to get that image out of your mind. Trust me on that."

"Can we go to your place and see the tape then?" I asked wiggling my eyebrows suggestively.

"Sorry, stud, not happening today. I've got to remain somewhat professional while in your mother's employ," she said with a coy smile and a wink. "I'll tell you what, though. I'll run home and get it, along with a couple of other pieces of equipment I'd like to set up in here...once I have your approval, of course. Then, if you wouldn't mind too terribly much, I was thinking of maybe doing a bit of a stake-out tonight?"

That perked my ears up.

"What would a stake-out entail exactly?" I asked, trying desperately to keep the Cheshire cat grin off of my face, because I knew exactly what that would mean.

"Well...I'd stay in your room tonight and document in person what happens."

Oh, hell yes. I was definitely onboard with this. Even if I still thought she was a bit crazy.

"I think I could deal with that," I said in a low business-like tone and nodded my head, like we were entering into some corporate contract negotiations or some shit.

"I'm going to go talk to your mother about the plan, just to make sure she's okay with it. I'll see if Jasper will stake out their room tonight as well," she spoke over her shoulder, as she was walking out the door.

I was grinning like a friggin' idiot. Bella was going to hang out in my room all night. The thought made me want to do a happy dance...so I did. I shuffled my feet along the floor and wiggled my ass a little, while flailing my arms around in a mock conga line motion.

"Ouch, son of pooter!" I shouted, as I suddenly felt a sharp pain shoot up my arm. I know, pooter wasn't a very manly word, but it was hard to control verbal diarrhea when you'd hurt yourself.

I looked down and noticed a sizeable bloody scratch spanning from my wrist to my elbow. How in the hell had I done that? I was in the middle of the room doing my happy dance with nothing around that I could have scratched it on. Weird. I wondered briefly then if maybe Bella and my mother weren't quite as crazy as I'd thought. This scratch had come out of nowhere. I'd seen this kind of thing happen on those stupid paranormal shows, but I'd always thought it was dramatized for ratings and shit.

Perplexed, I started checking out my clothes in an effort to debunk my irrational thoughts. Maybe there was something pointy in my clothes that might have caused this. I ran my hands over my torso, down around my hips, up my thighs...oh shit! I'd just cut myself on my own crusty spunk-stained jeans!

This problem was two-fold. One, I'd just cut myself on my own jizz. Two, for a split second, I'd thought it was some horny ghost who had done it. This day just kept getting better and better. I just couldn't wait for Bella to get back and see what other fucked-up antics I could get myself into before the day from hell was over.


	7. Chapter 7 Peep Shows & Kisses

**I do not own Twilight, just molesting SM's characters a little.**

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**Chapter 7: Peep Shows and Kisses**

**BELLA**

I left Edwards house and headed back to grab my masturbation material for him to watch. I needed to prove to him that there was nothing to be embarrassed about, but at the same time, his family had a very _big_ problem, and I was not talking about penis size, either. There were definitely no problems on the schlong-size front in the Cullen household. Those boys could participate in a naked pole vaulting competition without the pole! What they did have a problem with was of a supernatural nature, and I intended to help them in any way I could. It was not such a bad thing that I got to hang out with Edward in the process. Woohoo!

In the short time we'd spent together, even with the humiliating moments, I thought we'd really connected. I was excited to get to spend all night with him. Surprisingly, his mom was rather receptive to the idea. I think she was so rattled by what she had seen happen last night in her room that she was okay with an extra set of eyes in there. Even if it meant having a woman hanging out (_hopefully, in more ways than one_) in her son's room all night. Honestly though, he was a grown man and should have been able to have a woman in his room if he wanted to…as long as it was only me, mind you.

I got home and grabbed a zip drive to transfer Edward's footage onto. I also grabbed my infrared digital still camera, which cost me a fortune, but it was a pretty badass piece of equipment. It could photograph in different spectrums of light than an ordinary camera could. This meant that the possibilities increased exponentially of capturing something from a different realm on film. Pretty cool.

I packed a bag of snacks, my iPod and some various reading materials, in case I got bored if Eddie boy fell asleep on me. I power chugged a five-hour energy drink, showered, shaved, donned some decent underwear, and headed back over to Edward's. A girl could never be too careful with the personal hygiene, just in case. It also didn't help that I'd had such a dry spell lately that my nether regions had begun to resemble Chewbacca. That was never a good thing. Note to self: buy a new razor; the old one looked like it might have been used as a murder weapon on a Poodle.

I arrived back at Edward's house, only to find Emmett parked outside waiting for me. Crap, I could not let him stay tonight. He always screwed everything up. I got out of my old beater truck, which I had lovingly coined "The Beast," and walked over to my wayward friend.

"Hey, Em! What are you doing here?" I asked trying to sound casual and not pissed off; because I knew exactly why he was here and how bad he would screw things up.

"Well, Bella-boo…I heard through the grapevine that this is one happening spiritual hangout and that we've been invited for a sleepover. Like I would miss out on that!"

"Em, I don't think th-"

Emmett cut me off. "Don't even go there, Miss Pissy Pants. I'm staying, and that's that. No arguments," Emmett said as he pulled me into a headlock and proceeded to give me a noogie.

"Damn it! Now my hair looks like I stuck my finger in a light socket! Thanks, Emmett."

Resigned, I gave up, and we walked back into the house together. At some point while we were gone, Edward's sister, Rosalie, had come home. Emmett stepped inside the door, got one look at her and froze. His mouth was gaping open, and drool started gathering at the corner of his mouth. I think tonight might have just gotten even more interesting.

I hadn't met Rosalie yet, either. To say I was intimidated would have been an understatement. She was easily one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen. She had legs that went up to her throat, with voluptuous curves that would make any grown man cry. Her golden-blonde hair fell in full waves halfway down her back. I thought for sure I'd seen her in a Pantene commercial or something before. She had striking blue eyes that resembled two bright blue topazes twinkling in the soft light of the chandelier hanging in the foyer. Damn, what was it with this family and precious gems for eyes? At least none of them had ruby red eyes. That would have been pretty creepy.

Ever the hostess, despite the extenuating circumstances, Esme rushed out to make introductions. Rosalie seemed pretty down to earth, despite her goddess-like appearance, which was comforting. The last thing I needed was to have to deal with a bitchy diva on this case. When Emmett was introduced, he stammered and sounded kind of like Elmer Fudd when he spoke. I laughed inwardly, as I had never seen Emmett so affected by the opposite sex before. He thought he was God's gift to women most of the time, but he was still pretty grounded, with a great sense of humor. I could definitely see what women liked about him. He was the perfect mix of confident arrogance, with a little of the "guy next door" boyishness thrown in. It didn't have any effect on me, though, since he was too much like my brother. At any rate, it was funny to see him so frazzled.

"So, Rosalie, I'm not sure how much your mother has filled you in, but we have a bit of a situation here. We're going to be staying in the house with your family tonight to document anything out of the ordinary that might happen," I said with an idea forming in my matchmaking mind. "Under the circumstances, even though nothing seems to be happening with you, I'd like Emmett to keep an eye on your room tonight, as well as the rest of the house, while Jasper and I focus on your parents' and Edward's rooms," I said, smiling politely at Rosalie. Fortunately for me, she had the same dumbstruck expression on her face as Emmett and just nodded. Tonight should be fun.

We all went our separate ways to get ready for the night ahead. I walked back up to Edward's room to get my camp set up for the night. I planned on being completely professional tonight, but if he should hint towards anything a little naughty, who was I to deny him? This time, I knocked politely on his door and waited until he called me in. Yeah, I had learned my lesson with that one. I opened the door, and his entire face just lit up like I was a deep-fried, chocolate-dipped Twinkie just waiting to be devoured or something.

"What happened to you?" I yelled looking down at the gauze wrapped around Edward's arm.

"Um...I just scratched it on something, it's no big deal."

"Oh, okay. Well, I brought some snacks and music and stuff to listen to. I thought we could just chill for a while and wait for the house to quiet down."

"Bella, I want to see that tape. Can we please watch it now? I'm going out of my mind thinking about what happened last night, and I need to know if I'm going crazy or if you're...crazy, so please, just put me out of my misery now," Edward pleaded.

Without saying a word, I walked over to his desk and plugged my flash drive into the port on the front of his computer. I loaded up the recording to the appropriate part, pushed play and stepped back for Edward to see.

I watched his face instead of the screen to see his reaction, when he realized what had been going on every night since he'd moved into this house. At first, his face was aloof, like he was watching a re-run of the Golden Girls or something. Then, it morphed into one of surprise, and then it quickly changed to shock, and finally ended with...humor? He was smirking at the screen, like he was watching a really cheesy porno or something. You know those ones, where a guy would start humping a shoe or something random, and it was absolutely ridiculous, but you couldn't look away, because it was too weird, and then you didn't want to look away, because you wanted to see what he was going to stick his thing into next?

"What's so funny?" I asked. I had to know what humor he found in getting repeatedly molested by a spirit. Other than the look on his face after he'd woken up, of course...that was_ damn_ funny.

"I'm just glad I'm not really the hopeless virgin pervert I'd thought I was," he said softly, as if I wasn't really meant to hear.

"Virgin?" I asked in shock.

"Oh shit! I said that out loud, didn't I?"

"How could you possibly be a virgin? You're...HOT!" I sputtered out in disbelief.

Edward looked like a sad little puppy with his head down and tail tucked between his legs, as he turned and flopped down on the bed and sighed.

"It just never happened. I'm a bit of a geek, but I've had opportunities. Unfortunately, every time I'd get close to a girl, something bad would always happen, before I could do the deed. I must've been a whore in a past life or something, and now the sex karma is coming back to bite me in the ass," he said all dejected.

I couldn't help the smile that crept across my face. This guy was adorable. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I had to make sure I was following his train wreck of logic.

"Wait...so let me get this straight. You're okay with that spirit doing the hibbidy-bibbidy with you in your sleep, because at least it means that you're getting some hot shnookie lovin' and not just having really perverted wet dreams due to your virginal status?"

"Yep, that about sums it up," was all he said in response.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, while I thought of something to help ease the tension that was now brewing in the room. I could tell he felt stupid for sharing his lack of sexual history with me, and even more stupid for being happy about being molested by the ghost. I needed to level the playing field here.

"I have an idea." His ears perked up, and he looked at me, waiting for me to go on. "Since I've seen your naked parts, it's only fair that I show you a little bit of my naked parts. Then things won't be so uncomfortable in here," I declared with my chin up, thinking my logic was clearly undeniable.

His mouth fell open and closed several times, before he was able to form any words in response to my declaration.

"Wh...What parts would you show me?" he asked hesitantly.

"Your choice, tits or twat, but not both, as that wouldn't be fair." I didn't think he would actually take me up on my offer, being the gentleman he seemed to be, but I _was_ hoping to give him a little peep show. I didn't want to come off as slutty or anything, but I really felt attracted to him, and I needed to do this. So much for being professional…

A huge smile spread across his face, and his eyes lit up.

"Well...if I have to choose...I'll have to go with the titties."

Ladies and Gentleman, we have a boob man here! Who knew? Well, I guess all men technically were boob men, but whatever. At least he didn't want me to show him my angry beaver, with all the shave bumps I had inflicted on it while removing its pelt. Probably not the best nude first impression I'd want to make. I was quite pleased with the boobie flash scenario, though. I had rather nice big ones, if I did say so myself.

Well, now was as good a time as any, I thought. Without delay, I stood up and faced Edward and proceeded to pull my shirt and bra up, revealing my perky 34DD's in all their naked glorious boobiness.

**EDWARD**

Oh, for the love of perfect, dirty love pillows everywhere! Bella was showing me her perky, fluffy happy sacks! I had never seen anything more perfect. I'd definitely never seen any so up close and personal, either. I was sure I looked like a complete tool, with my mouth hanging agape and my eyeballs protruding from my head like a damn Looney Tunes character. I could feel my love torpedo come to life and begin to take aim at the sight before me.

"Oh shit!" was all I was able to mutter in response.

She giggled and lowered her shirt back down, wrangling her perfect tits back into their lucky fabric cages.

"Now we're even, so don't be uncomfortable around me, please."

That was the understatement of the century. Now I was nothing _but _uncomfortable. I was packing a weapon of mass destruction in my pants that was not likely to disappear any time soon. And to make matters worse, she was going to be here with me all night, so I could not even whip out my lube and take care of business. That little tease had left me panting for more, and I would not be classified as a man if I didn't at least ask for a little something else.

"Um...I know this might sound a bit forward or inappropriate, but under the circumstances, I'm going to ask anyways. Would you mind if I kissed you?"

I couldn't believe I'd had enough balls to ask that question, but I had. I had to have something more from her. She was my dream woman, and she had just shown me her boobies, like it was no big deal. I figured since she'd seen my meat machete already, a kiss would be minor in comparison.

I could see her rolling the question over in her head for a moment with a pensive look on her face. At least she wasn't laughing, which was good. She was seriously considering it. I held my breath, waiting for her response.

"Well, I suppose that would be alright," she said matter-of-factly.

My breath hitched, when I realized what she'd said. My knees felt a little wobbly, but I somehow found the coordination to take the three steps I needed to close the distance between us. She was smiling up at me, as I brought my hand up to caress her cheek. This was it! I was going to kiss her. I could feel the tingling energy surge through my fingers, as I touched her soft skin. I couldn't wait to feel that through my lips. I closed my eyes and leaned my head forward, as she tilted her head up to receive my lips. I could feel her breath on my face and was about to lose it from that sensation alone. The anticipation was killing me. I needed to close the distance and stake my claim on those plump, luscious pink lips. I felt that zinging sensation jolt straight down to my groin, just as our lips grazed, and then it was gone. I heard a thud and opened my eyes quickly. Bella was on the floor, holding the back of her head, wincing in pain.

"What the hell just happened?" I asked in shock.

"Something just yanked the back of my hair and knocked me down to the floor!" she screamed.

"What? Are you sure you didn't just fall? That was pretty intense."

"Are you kidding me? I may be a klutz, but I'm not an idiot! I felt my hair get pulled! I thought it was you for a second, but then I felt two hands on my shoulders yank me backwards...hard!" she shouted in her defense.

Just as she finished speaking, before I could even respond, one of my ceramic Scooby Doo figurines flew off of my shelf and shattered on the floor at my feet. I heard a low growl behind me that sounded like it was saying, "_Mine!" _But it was so low and feral-sounding that it was difficult to tell.

"Did you hear that?" Bella asked.

"Uh...yeah...I think I may have just shat myself." That voice scared the shit out of me, not literally, but my propensity for no verbal filter or social etiquette around Bella had just solidified the fact that I would never get to kiss this woman...ever.

"Did it say _'mine' _all bitchy and possessive-like?" she asked seemingly unfazed by the brilliant over-share I had made moments before.

"That's what it sounded like to me," I replied, relieved that she didn't seem to notice what a complete dork I was.

"You've got to be kidding me! A jealous ghost! This is perfect!" she exclaimed while picking herself up off of the floor.

"What do you mean perfect? How can this be perfect? That cock-blocking ghost just attacked you!" I screamed in disbelief.

Bella smirked at me while rubbing the back of her head.

"Well, my dear Eddie, you're apparently a trigger object for this odd haunting you have going on here. By making this spirit jealous, we'll be able to bring it out into the open and find out what we can do to stop it."

Wait a sec; did she just call me Eddie? Damn that was hot! Okay, mind out of the gutter and focus on what else she'd said. We had to make the ghost jealous. That didn't sound half bad, either. I could think of _many_ ways to make it jealous. But what if it hurt Bella? Nope, no matter how horny I was or how much I wanted this woman, I wouldn't put her in danger by being with me. She'd already had her hair pulled and was violently yanked to the ground. That was just from an almost-kiss. What if we went further? I could not even think about anything worse happening to her. Not a chance in hell. I had to get her out of here. Before I could voice my opinion, my bedroom door flew open.

"What happened? Is everything okay? I heard something smashing from downstairs," Emmett bolted across the room to observe the shattered pieces of ceramic strewn across the floor at my feet.

"We had a bit of an incident here," I said while looking over at Bella.

"We've got some jealous ghosties here, Em, and I think we can use it to our advantage."

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**A/N: Next chapter will be the rest of the sleepover. We've still got Emmett to have fun with...**


	8. Chapter 8 Emmett is Special

**So I thought it would be fun to get a little of Emmett's POV. He's my favorite character, and I love writing him. Let me know what you think!**

**I do not own Twilight unfortunately, just messing with her characters a bit.**

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**Chapter 8: Emmett is Special**

**EMMETT**

Finally! I was getting bored sitting around this place, thinking there was going to be a bunch of action. But _nooooo_, as soon as I got here, nothing even remotely interesting went down. That was until I heard the crash from upstairs. I was down in the kitchen, scoping out the grub sitch, when I heard it. Something was smashed and hard. I ran up as fast as I could to where I thought the noise was coming from. It was Edward's room. I swung the door open without a second thought.

I ran across the room to where Bella and Edward were standing, kind of gawking at each other. Bella looked quite pleased with herself, and Edward...well, he just kind of looked like he needed to take a dump or something. But who was I to judge? I could use a good old-fashioned pump and dump right about now, too.

"We had a bit of an incident here," Edward said motioning to the mess on the floor.

"We've got some jealous ghosties here, Em, and I think we can use it to our advantage," Bella spoke to me without even breaking eye contact with Ed-tard over there. He seemed like a pretty geeky tool to me, but Bella was looking at him like he'd invented the Slap Chop or something. Even I had to admit the Slap Chop was pretty badass. Wait a minute…focus, Emmett. We were having a serious conversation here...I think.

"Uh...what do you mean by jealous ghosts?" I asked in response. I made it sound like I was half paying attention at least.

Bella turned as red as my ass had after the time I'd thought it was a good idea to cannonball into the lake, butt naked, from the top of a tree. The red cheeks weren't as bad as the lake water enema I'd given myself, though.

"Ed-tard...uh, I mean Edward, what's Bella talking about?" Woops, forgot I wasn't supposed to call him that out loud. My bad.

"Bella seems to think that the ghosts are jealous of her and wants to use herself as bait to draw them out into the open. Just for the record, I think it's a bad idea," Edward said while holding his hands in the air in defense.

Bella got a look on her face like someone had just run over her puppy. Huh, that was weird. She didn't even have a puppy. Oh, wait a minute, I was thinking in meteors, no that was not right...metaphors! Thank God for college giving me a rad vocabulary.

"What's wrong, Belly, are you sad 'cuz he doesn't want to use your bait?" I asked, hoping to figure out the reason for her sad face.

She turned and glared at me. I felt my nuts crawl up inside my stomach cavity from the death daggers she shot at me.

"Emmett! Would it kill you to follow a conversation properly for two seconds? I was just attacked by an unseen force, thrown to the ground, and told in not so many words to back the fuck off, because Edward is apparently the property of some supernatural whore! And you're so clueless, you think we're talking about a day of fishing or some shit, and Edward doesn't want to use my bait? Freaking clueless! Just go back to whatever you were or weren't doing. We'll figure this out on our own." Bella was really pissed at me for some reason. Oh well, I'd been scoping out some pretty stellar-looking meatballs in the fridge earlier that I wouldn't mind getting better acquainted with. Not to mention that toe-curling, hottie blonde chick, Rosalie. I definitely wouldn't mind getting acquainted with her!

"Whatever, you guys are boring anyways. I think I'll just go back downstairs and see if I can't get my own little invisible freak on. They should leave you alone, now that there's a real stud muffin in the house," I said while flexing the guns at Edward.

I winked at Bella, she rolled her eyes, and I walked out of the room.

I headed back downstairs to raid the fridge again. Once I'd had my share of meatballs, I thought I'd go check on Rosalie. That was my assignment for tonight after all.

I walked up the stairs and saw the light from under the door, so she must have still been awake. I quietly tapped on the door, but got no response. I knocked a little louder the second time, but still no response. My mind started wandering, thinking maybe she was in some sort of trouble, so I overrode the voice in my head telling me not to open the door.

I turned the handle and slowly poked my head in the small opening. My eyeballs were frozen open at the sight in front of me. There was a five foot nine blonde bombshell dancing seductively, in her UNDERWEAR! A small part of my brain registered the fact that she had ear buds in and was listening to music, which was why she hadn't heard me knocking. That part of my brain was quickly shot down, when she started gyrating her hips and rubbing her hands all over her ass. Oh, sweet baby Jesus! Could life get any better?

Just then, three things happened simultaneously. My trouser snake decided to push forward in my pants so fast that it pushed the door open the rest of the way, causing it to creak loudly in the process. Rosalie turned and screamed, and a large object connected with my head, laying me out flat on my back, with my cock saluting proudly at attention in the air, through my now-broken zipper. Note to self: maybe going commando wasn't a good idea.

I looked over to my side and saw that an alarm clock was lying next to me on the floor. That was what Rosalie must have thrown at my head, I assumed. Then I looked down and saw that I was inappropriately hanging out of my pants. I looked up to see Rosalie, now clad in a terrycloth bathrobe, smirking and nodding emphatically down at my manhood.

I realized I should have probably been a little embarrassed and apologized for barging in, but she didn't seem too upset. I stood up, tucked my jimmy back in my pants as best I could, and shook my head a little to clear the dizziness the blow from the alarm clock had caused.

"You scared the beejebus out of me!" Rosalie said breathlessly, but she was smiling, so I couldn't be in too much trouble.

"Sorry, pretty lady. I did knock, but you didn't answer. I thought you might be in trouble, and I wanted to protect you."

"Well, aren't you just a chivalrous little man," she said.

"Listen, sweetheart, I don't know what the big fancy words your trying to throw at me mean, but I can assure you there's nothing _little_ about me."

She smiled and turned around, heading for her room and said goodnight, as she closed the door behind her.

Well, that kind of sucked. Now I was all worked up and in a strange place, so I could not exactly do anything about the unpleasant bulge still trying to weasel its way out of my zipper. Wait a tick...I was in a house full of horny ghosts. DUH! One of them could surely help me out, and to top it all off, it would be for the good of the investigation. Damn, I should start my own think tank or something. I had to be one of the smartest dudes on the planet.

With my plan formulated, I went down to the deserted sitting room downstairs. It was still under construction, but there was a nice leather couch on one end of the room that would definitely serve my purposes. I quickly dropped my pants to my ankles and laid flat on my back on the couch, still at full mast.

"Here, ghosty, ghosty, ghosty! Come out, come out wherever you are," I whisper-yelled into the dark room. "I've got what you want, so come and get it!"

I laid there still for several minutes, and nothing happened. I was starting to get restless and about to put my junk back in my pants, when I noticed the room get really cold. It was so cold in fact that my dick quickly crawled inwards towards my stomach, until it almost resembled a tic-tac.

"Did somebody come out to play?" I could see my breath as I spoke to the empty room.

Just as the words left my mouth, I felt a tingly sensation running up my thigh. It startled me to the point that I might have let out a small scream that sounded like a little girl. I sat up to see if I could see anything, but felt a pressure on my chest, pushing me back down. I panicked a little, since it was not cool to not see what was messing with you, but then I remembered that this was what I'd wanted. I decided to just chill out and let it happen.

The pressure remained on my chest, holding me down, but the tingling on my thigh slowly moved up towards the Promised Land. My tic-tac quickly returned to its full-sized glory, even with the iciness in the air still. Once the sensation reached my now-throbbing cock, my eyes rolled up into the back of my head, and I couldn't help the shit-eating grin that spread across my face. I could feel the pressure pushing up and down the length of my shaft in quite a pleasurable way.

"That's right, you invisible slut. How's it to work a real man's cock for once?" I said rather cockily (pun intended), thinking that ghosts must like dirty talk, too...I was wrong, though.

"OUCH!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, as I watched my dick form a right angle in mid-air. For those of you who were not aware, erect penises were not supposed to bend like that.

I bolted up off of the couch, not even bothering to pull up my pants, and ran straight out of the house, not looking back.

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**A/N: Hope you liked Emmett's little adventure. Next up...will Edward be okay with letting Bella make the ghosts even more jealous? We shall see…**


	9. Chapter 9 Something Stinks in Suburbia

**Chapter 9: Something Stinks in Suburbia**

**BELLA**

I was up in Edward's room, trying to formulate my next move, when I heard what I thought was a little girl screaming. I heard some banging noises, and then the front door slammed shut. I stood up quickly and ran over to the window and saw a bare-assed Emmett running across the lawn. He had his pants around his ankles, which looked like they were seriously hindering his ability to run, and his hand was holding onto his peen like his life depended on it.

"Huh...I wonder what kind of trouble Emmett managed to get himself into now?" I looked over my shoulder at Edward, who was staring out the window with an equally as perplexed look on his face as I had.

We both watched as Emmett jumped into his Jeep, screeching his tires, as he peeled out onto the street, forgetting to even turn his headlights on.

"I wonder what got into him," Edward muttered.

"I don't know. Emmett's a pretty big dufus most of the time, but I've never seen him look that scared before. And why in the hell were his pants down?" I questioned, not really expecting an answer.

This case was seriously starting to trip me out. I'd never in a million years thought that I would actually come across an actual haunting, much less one of such a perverted nature. I had to admit that the fringe benefits that I saw in my future on this case had me pretty excited, but after that almost-kiss, I could not ignore the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I might be in danger. Whatever was in this house, it seemed to have really taken a liking to Edward. Not that I could blame it, that man made my ovaries twitch just being in the same room.

"What do we do now?" Edward asked looking a little nervous at what my suggestion might be.

I'd made it no secret that I thought we should test the boundaries of what this spirit was capable of and how we should go about it. True, I was a little scared of what might happen to me in the process, but the idea of a little sexy fun with Edward had me not really giving a shit at this point.

"I think I made it quite clear what we should do now," I spoke in as calm of a voice as I could muster, while trying desperately not to piss myself from the excitement and fear coursing through my body simultaneously.

"Bella, I don't like this idea," he said with a mix of confusion written all over his face.

I felt my heart plummet into my shoes. He was rejecting me. How could I have been so naïve to think anything could have come out of this? Nothing ever went my way. I even had the perfect setup here with the supernatural molestations and jealous outbursts to get a break from my dry spell, but _nooooo_, I had to be shacked up all night with a man who could probably give me multiple orgasms just by farting in my direction, but who turned out to be the world's biggest prude! This sucked almost as bad as the time I walked in on Emmett trimming his ass hair with my electric razor. I couldn't burn that image out of my retinas if I tried. It looked like a grizzly bear was hibernating in his ass crack. Well screw this noise. I was not taking this shit lying down...or maybe I'd be lying down, or maybe against the wall, that was always fun. Shit, getting off topic again...Focus, Swan! Find your inner vixen and dominate this situation to your advantage.

After the interesting pep talk I'd mentally given myself, I brushed off my feelings of rejection and found my voice.

"Edward, if you think for one second that I give two shits about what you think is a good idea then you've lost your mind! I intend to find out what this ghost wants from you, and one sure-fire way to do that is by pissing it off. It's called 'provoking,' and it's been used successfully in this type of investigation many times. So, if you can think of a better way to piss it off, other than sticking your tongue down my throat, then by all means, enlighten me!"

Edward stood there completely still, but his eyes were frantically darting back and forth between me and the door.

That was just fabulous. He was probably looking for the quickest way out of the room, so he could run to his mommy and tattle on the bad old lady trying to con him into playing doctor behind the monkey bars. Maybe I was approaching this all wrong with him. Maybe I should have just whipped my tits out and asked him if he wanted a suck. It seemed like that was a little more up his alley. Freaking momma's boys.

"What's it going to be, Edward? Got any better ideas?" I huffed, losing my patience with the situation rapidly.

Seeing that I wasn't getting anywhere with him, since he'd turned into a human statue standing three feet away from me, I turned around to grab my backpack and was prepared to walk out of the room, hoping he'd call my bluff.

**EDWARD**

Hot damn this woman was feisty. Since she'd walked in here, all I could think about was sticking my tongue down her damn throat. I thought I was being chivalrous by not wanting to put her in harms' way. I was putting her safety above my own needs. What kind of man would I be if I didn't? But then again...I _was_ a man...and I had...um...needs. Oh, fuck chivalry!

I watched as she turned, obviously pissed that I'd shot down her idea. I could not let her just leave. I needed to man up. Being a pansy-ass gentleman my whole life had gotten me what exactly? Oh yeah, a large assortment of scented lubes and a scorching case of carpal tunnel, _that was what_.

As soon as her back was to me, I closed the distance between us in a nanosecond. I grabbed her around the waist and turned her around to face me. Before she could even register what I was doing, my lips were crashing down on hers so fast that I missed my target. Not my most graceful move ever, I think I might have sucked on her nostril for a second, but quickly recovered, finding purchase on her lips. She seemed stunned at first, but after a second, she returned the kiss with equal enthusiasm. I skimmed my tongue lightly along her bottom lip, requesting permission to take the kiss further. She parted her lips, allowing my tongue entrance. I darted it in and out a few times, but stopped when I noticed her tensing up and pulling back from me.

"What's wrong?" I asked through panting breaths.

"You really haven't done much of this kind of thing have you?"

Great! Now she was calling me out on what an inexperienced freak of a virgin I was.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize there was any skill involved in kissing. I'm pretty sure if I suck that bad at it, then I'm probably doomed to die a virgin." I stared at the floor, not wanting to see the look of disappointment I was sure I'd find if I were to look up.

"I'm definitely not big on the lizard tongue thing you've got going on there, but I think you've got potential. With the right teacher..." Bella trailed off with a smile.

"And who might the right teacher be?" I asked with a smile forming as well.

"I think I might be up to the task...as long as you promise to do exactly as I say."

I nodded, not able to form the words of gratitude that I wanted to convey.

"Okay…so you've got all of the basic ideas right, you just need a little fine tuning, I think. The tongue needs to be slow and sensual in its movements. There's nothing to be gained by licking the fillings in the back of my mouth. And while I appreciate your eagerness, take your time, go slow and enjoy the feelings. It's as simple as that," she grinned and motioned me back to her. "Now, let's try this again."

She cupped my cheeks in her hand and guided my face back to hers. Our lips met in an almost reverent embrace, barely touching, but all consuming. I felt an electric tingle on my lips as they brushed over hers softly. She parted her lips again, and I took the invitation, slowly pushing my tongue in. I didn't want to be referred to as a "lizard" again, so I took my time and slowly swirled it around hers. I think I must have gotten the hang of it now, since I heard a small, sexy moan vibrating in the back of her throat.

Feeling completely at home with my lips against hers now, I began to explore with my hands. I traced the lines of her back, down over her amazingly luscious ass, and squeezed gently. The intensity of our actions deepened, as she hitched her leg up around me, pulling me closer and grinding my rigid manhood into her in just the right spot, desperately seeking some friction. I growled into her mouth and lifted her other leg up off the ground wrapping it around my waist. I placed my hands under her ass for leverage and started walking towards the bed, the soft, sensual kissing becoming more frenzied. I couldn't seem to get close enough to her. Every inch of our bodies were touching, but I needed more. I opened my eyes to aid in my ability to make it over to the bed without killing us both in the process. Somehow, through my lust-induced dizziness, I got us both there in one piece. As soon as her ass hit the comforter, she grabbed the bottom of my shirt and swiftly threw it up my body and over my head. Since she was the one setting the pace, I didn't feel as if I was overstepping any boundaries by leaning down and ripping her black cotton t-shirt up over her head, too.

With all of the newly exposed flesh in the room, I decided to take a step back and marvel in it a bit. I'd never had a girl in my room before, and I had to say, the sight of a topless Bella Swan on my bed was a thing of beauty. Her pale creamy skin was softly glowing in the warm light of the bedside lamp. She was wearing a black bra with lace along the top and...oh, son of a motherless goat! She was reaching back to unclasp it and unleash the unknown treasures beneath! Okay, so maybe not _unknown,_ since she had flashed them at me once already, but it didn't downplay my excitement at their reappearance at all. Once her milky peaks were revealed and staring happily back at me, I couldn't help but notice the temperature drop in the room. It was cold. I saw it before I felt it if I was being honest. Bella's nipples pebbled and erected into a point that I was sure could have cut glass. I took a deep breath to calm myself a bit, before I did something stupid like jizz in my pants, before she even had a chance to touch me again. Yes, that had happened to me before. Don't judge, it could happen to anyone.

As I exhaled, I could see my breath. _That's weird, the heater must not be working_, I thought to myself. But the cold be dammed! I needed that nipple in my mouth, and I needed it NOW! I leaned back down over her body and took it into my mouth greedily. I licked and swirled and sucked, showing both nipples equal attention. She threw her head back and pushed those perky mounds of mammary marvelousness further into my mouth. My hands were roaming everywhere they could find flesh, but I was limited to the top half of her body only. Needing to rectify that situation, I reached down to undo the top button of her jeans. It popped free easily. I carefully pulled the zipper down. She looked me straight in the eyes, as she lifted her hips up off of the bed, encouraging me to keep going with the clothing removal.

My thoughts were racing at the prospect of having a naked goddess on my bed. Oh please, please, please, Gods of fornication, don't let me make an ass of myself this time, I silently pleaded in my mind. I needed this moment, and I wanted this woman more than I'd ever wanted anything in my entire life.

Our eyes still locked, I grabbed the top of her jeans and inched them down past her hips. Just as she lowered herself back down, I was hit with a nauseating smell that was a mix of rotten eggs and hot garbage. Completely offended by the odor, my brow furrowed, and my nostrils flared. I barely fought off the sudden arrival of bile in my mouth. What in the hell was that smell?

"Christ, Bella! Was that you?" I stammered, barely able to keep the contents of my stomach at bay from the putrid smell.

"Why in hell do you think that was me!" she screamed defensively.

"I _know_ it wasn't me, and there's nobody else in the room. _That's_ why I thought it was you. I'm not sure what you had to eat, but you might want to go grab a bottle of Bean-O or something, because that was just wrong," I responded calmly, but very disappointed on the inside that such a beautiful creature could create such a foul stench.

I could already feel little Eddie softening from the horrendous turn of events our little sexperiment had taken.

"Not to knock you off your high horse or anything, _Edward_, but there's no way that smell came out of my ass."

"Well, then where did it come from? I don't see anyone else in the room. Can you explain that to me?" She thought she could just play this off, like nothing had happened, like she hadn't just completely killed the mood or anything with her ass pyrotechnics. This was what happened every time I got close to closing the deal. One or both parties involved did something monumentally stupid or wrong, killing the mood completely.

"Edward, stop and think for a second. Why are we doing this? I'll tell you why, to provoke your pervy spirit, and that's exactly what we just did." She pulled her jeans back up and put her shirt back on while explaining.

"What does that have to do with the butt smell in here? It smells like someone went to an all-you-can-eat egg salad sandwich buffet and then had some refried beans and beer for dessert. It's just nasty."

"I'm not sure how much you know about the paranormal, Edward, but a disgusting sulfurous smell is typically accompanied by a demonic entity. You either have a copycat demon, pretending to be a succubus, or you've got more than one problem here."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't know that," I apologized sheepishly, knowing that I had probably hurt her feelings with my accusations.

"Apology accepted, but I still can't believe you thought that was me. Like I'm some trailer trash ho that would just bust ass in the middle of something like that. I know we don't know each other all that well, but give me a little credit here."

The smell was growing stronger as we spoke. It suddenly became overpowering, and I couldn't even breathe it was so foul.

"Bella, we've got to get out of here. I don't feel good about this, and the smell is making me want to blow chunks."

"I agree, let's go get your sister and your parents and see if we can talk them into staying in a hotel until after the séance, so we can figure out what to do next."

As she was speaking, I felt an overwhelming feeling settle into my entire being. It was cold, but powerful. I felt a mixture of anger, panic and lust welling up inside of me. I couldn't figure out which emotion would take hold of me at any given second, and I was terrified at the intensity of it. I wasn't me anymore. Something was controlling me. I felt myself slip into my own subconscious, while something else took me over completely. I sat there as a spectator in my own mind, as I watched the next events unfold before me like a movie.

"Mine!" the word ripped from my throat in a rough guttural sound, as my feet began to move on their own, heading straight for Bella.

I could see the fear in her eyes. I didn't want to hurt her in any way, yet I couldn't control my own body. I could sense what it wanted to do to her, and it was going to use my body to carry out its plan.


	10. Chapter 10 Horror Flicks & Chesticles

**Sorry this chapter is a little more on the serious side. I needed to get a little more plot into it. Don't worry, though...more funny antics will ensue later.**

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**Chapter 10: Cheesy Horror Flicks and Chesticles**

**BELLA**

"Edward? Are you okay? You're starting to scare me a little."

He was staring at me like I was something to eat. It was like it wasn't even him. The green sparkle in his eyes was replaced by dark, soul-less obsidian orbs that didn't even resemble a human's. The atmosphere in the room had taken a major negative shift in the last thirty seconds, and I would admit that I was more than a little scared right now. I think I might have just peed a little.

I turned around to head for the door, because I could tell that something bad had just entered into the equation between Edward and me. He wasn't Edward right now. I could see it. I could feel it. What I couldn't do was help it. What was I supposed to do now? I was in way over my head. I needed Alice, and I needed her now. With that thought, I broke out into a full-on sprint out the door. I could hear Edward's heavy footsteps behind me. I was trying very hard to focus on the hallway in front of me, willing my feet to carry me to safety. Of course, that was too much to ask for. I suddenly found myself the character of one of those cheesy horror flicks, where I played the part of the retarded skeeze that couldn't seem to stay upright, while being chased by a brain-eating zombie or something equally deadly. My toe caught on the hallway runner, and I nose-planted straight into the floor. I hadn't been lying there for more than a second, when I felt Edward's hands clamp down on my shoulders and flip me around to face him. His face was dark and menacing. There was nothing left of the Edward I knew in his expression.

"Edward, I know you're in there somewhere, please, don't do whatever it is you're planning to do. You have to fight this." I looked up into his eyes, hoping to see some sort of recognition, to no avail. His eyes were empty.

"Mine! I _must_ have you!" he snarled into my face. A little spit even came out of his mouth with the ferocity that he enunciated the "t" in must.

His hands started grabbing at my shirt. I could hear the sound of fabric tearing and nails digging into my flesh. I needed to get up or scream or something, but I couldn't. He had my hands painfully pinned to my sides in the tight vice of his thighs, and I couldn't have move if I'd wanted to. Realizing that this was going downhill fast, I mustered up the willpower to scream for help. I didn't even recognize the shrill panicked sounds that came out of my mouth once I opened it.

"NO, EDWARD, STOP! SOMEBODY HELP!"

Just as the words left my mouth, Edward's eyes closed, and he shook his head back and forth. When they opened back up, they were green again, but the sparkle was still gone. It was replaced with the dull hue of regret.

Before another word could be spoken, he was off of me and pinned against the wall.

"What the fuck is going on up here!" Jasper shouted in Edward's ear with his forearm wedged up against the back of his neck and the other arm wrapping around both of Edward's, holding them behind his back.

"Jasper, wait! He didn't know what he was doing. It wasn't him. Let him go, it's okay now." I was almost in a full-on sob, as the last words left my mouth.

Edward still hadn't spoken a word, seeing as his face was smashed against the wall. After a second of contemplation, Jasper finally let him go. Edward immediately turned and gave me a wary look, before coming back over and very gently helping me up off of the floor.

He pulled me into a fierce hug, while quietly whispering in my ear, "Bella, I'm so, so sorry. That wasn't me, I swear, I'll never hurt you...never," he kept repeating the words in a soft, endearing cadence, slowly lulling my heart back into a less-erratic rhythm. We were so lost in our own little world that I momentarily forgot we had company. I knew Jasper was there, but I didn't realize that we now had the audience of Edward's entire family.

"What's going on here?" I heard Carlisle's voice behind me.

I didn't really know what to say. I was still trying to put together what had happened. It had all gone down so fast.

"Uh...I'm not really sure what happened, but I think we need to get your family out of here until we can sort it out," I shivered slightly after the words left my mouth. I was pretty shaken up, but Edward's embrace was helping me calm down quite a bit. I didn't really want to let go of him...ever. I realized that it probably looked a little odd that we were standing in a rather loving embrace, in the middle of the hallway, with his whole family present. Probably not the best idea. I reluctantly pulled away from Edward and turned to face his family. They were all looking at me a bit apprehensively, but I realized none of them were making eye contact. All of their eyes were trained on...my chest?

"Oh shit!" I spat after looking down and realizing that Edward had not only torn my shirt down the middle, which was gaping wide open, but he had also ripped my bra completely in half. As if this situation wasn't bad enough to begin with, now I was showing off my dangling chesticles to his entire family.

I quickly wrapped my torn shirt around my nude torso, while flushing bright red from head to toe. Edward still hadn't said anything. He was just staring at the floor, with both hands knotted tightly in his hair. Jasper, Rosalie, Esme, and Carlisle were all looking at me confused, waiting for some sort of explanation. I realized they deserved to know what had happened, even if it was scary, and now seemed to be quite embarrassing as well.

I began to explain, with as little detail as possible, what had transpired. I'd omitted the obvious part of my planned taunting of the ghosts by getting my freak on with Edward. I didn't think they would have been onboard with that idea. While it wasn't one of my finer ideas, it did have some finer points to it, even if it did lead to the unfortunate situation in which I'd now found myself.

Everyone looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language or something. My words just weren't sinking in. Maybe they thought I was some sort of crazy person. I needed a little backup on aisle seven here.

"Edward, a little help here, please? Explain to your family what happened," I asked, annoyed that he was still standing there silent, not helping me explain the severity of the situation. I needed his family to understand that they might all be in danger and that we needed them out of the house until we could get Alice out here and figure out what needed to happen to make this nightmare go away for them. I still couldn't get away from the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that my hair-brained idea was the thing that had caused this situation to escalate out of control. I would never admit that out loud, though...I was not stupid.

"Mom, we need to leave. It's not safe here. I had no control over what I was doing at all." He looked at Esme, his eyes pleading for her to understand without having to explain any further. Unfortunately, moms tended to be nosy, and she wasn't going to leave it at that.

"Why would all of this start happening now? It was just doing things to _us_ in our sleep before now. Why is it all of a sudden taking possession of my son and making him do things that could land him in jail?" Esme inquired.

Well, that was just great! She asked the one question I was dreading having to elaborate on. I needed to think of an easy way to put this without sounding like the complete whore-bag that I was. What was I supposed to say, though? _'I'm very sorry, Mrs. Cullen, but I browbeat your son into having a semi-naked groping session with me. This in turn pissed the spirit off something fierce, and now you have to leave your home, since it now has a seriously large stick up its ass because of me.' _No, that wouldn't go over so well. Vague was good. Let's try that.

"I think our presence here, with the investigation and all, has caused the activity to escalate. It feels threatened now, and things are more than likely going to get worse before they get better. We need to get your family out of here for now, while we figure out a plan of attack."

Esme nodded and looked over to Carlisle. "Let's go get some things packed and go find a hotel for the night. I trust your advice, Bella, and I really appreciate everything you're doing for us, thank you," Esme's eyes began to look a little watery as she spoke.

That was just terrific! Now I felt like a complete douche nozzle. Since I couldn't seem to keep my vajayjay in check, this sweet woman was being driven from her home in the middle of the night. To make matters even worse, she was thanking me for it. I think I might need therapy after this.

I watched as everybody dispersed to go get ready to leave. I was left standing in the hall with Edward and Jasper.

"I'll go get you a shirt to wear, Bella," Edward spoke quietly with his eyes cast down to the floor. He turned around and went back into his room to get me a shirt, since mine was a little indecent at the moment. I could tell he was feeling pretty bad about what had happened. I hoped he didn't think it was his fault, though. I could tell it hadn't been him. I knew _he _would never hurt me.

"Just so you know, I'm not leaving you alone with him," Jasper's voice interrupted my thoughts.

"He won't hurt me, Jasper. That was not his fault. It was mine."

"It doesn't matter whose fault it was or wasn't, Bella. The fact of the matter is that he's obviously susceptible to possession, so I will not be leaving you alone with him in this house. End of story." Jasper's statement was harsh and final. Not having much fight left in me after the fuckery that had ensued this evening, I shut my pie hole and just nodded.

Edward returned a minute later with a t-shirt in hand. I took it gratefully. I stepped inside his room and closed the door to put it on, leaving Jasper and Edward standing awkwardly in the hall. When I emerged from the bedroom, there was an obvious tension between them. Edward's eyes were silently pleading with him, and Jasper looked like someone had just pissed in his Cheerios.

"Please, Jasper, just for a minute," Edward asked.

After another moment of contemplation, Jasper submitted.

"Fine, but I'll be right outside this door waiting."

Edward looked towards me with his hand outstretched.

"Come on, Bella, I need to talk to you alone for a minute. Jasper will be right outside the door, so you'll be safe. I won't hurt you, I promise."

I nodded and followed him into his room, closing the door behind me.

"Bella, I'm so sorry for what just happened. I hope you know that I'd never purposely do anything like that to you."

"Edward, stop apologizing. I know that wasn't you. I also know that it was probably my fault for taunting that damn thing in the first place. Don't you dare start blaming yourself for what just happened."

"I know it wasn't my fault. It wasn't your fault, either. Bella...I know what that thing wanted, and why it wanted it. It wanted you."

"What do you mean it wanted me?"

"It took over my body, but I could hear its thoughts, feel what it was feeling. Whatever is in this house is pure evil. It thrives on emotion, whether it be anger, sadness or even lust. It saw you as an object to own, to control and to use to help fulfill its own needs. You can't come back here. I heard what it was thinking, Bella, you can't ever come back here, for you own safety...please." Edward sounded panicked now.

"I don't understand. What was it thinking? It's just a ghost. How much harm could it do?"

"Listen to me, Bella. It wants you to be with it...forever."

"Forever? You mean it wants me dead?"

"That's exactly what it wants. I could hear it thinking of the others it's trapped in this house. It controls them. It's been making them do those things to us in our sleep, so it can watch. It feeds off of our energy, and the lust seems to make it even stronger."

"I see. So just let me paraphrase, so that I'm positive I understand what you're saying. This house has a supernatural pimp in it. He has a harem of succubae prostitutes that go out and do his bidding by getting aroused and leaving their ectoplasmic snail trails all over you and your dad, while this psycho pimp watches and collects his pay in the form of orgasmic essence?"

"You have a very colorful understanding of it, but yes, that's pretty much what I'm saying in a nutshell. I hope you can understand why I don't want you here. I know I don't know you very well, but I really care for you, and I don't want to see anything bad happen. Please, let's get you out of here," Edward caressed my cheek with his palm as he spoke. I wanted so badly to kiss him again. He leaned forward, and for a second, I thought he might, but he took a step back and dropped his hand.

"I can't kiss you here," was all he said.

"Why not?" I asked, completely bewildered after his soft touch had my hoo-ha doing calisthenics to get warmed up for what was coming.

"I told you, it feeds off of sexual energy, too. That was why it was strong enough to take over my body. We had the equivalent of an atomic bomb full of sexual energy in this room earlier. It's too easy to get swept up in the moment with you. I won't put you in danger here again. Now come on, let's get you out of here."

We turned and left the room. Jasper joined us, as we all congregated downstairs to formulate our game plans for the night.

"I'd like to go get Alice and bring her back to the house. I want to see what her impression of the situation is, so we can figure out what we want to accomplish at the séance. I'd like to do it tomorrow night," I whispered to Jasper, as we were walking down the stairs.

"I agree. I'll go get her and meet you back here in an hour," Jasper spoke in hushed tones as well. I didn't think Edward would like the fact that we were coming back after he'd left, but we had to.

We reached the bottom of the stairs, where the Cullen's were waiting with overnight bags in their hands.

"Esme, would it be alright to get a house key from you? We'd like to come back later with Alice. I think she'll be able to help," I asked politely, while averting my eyes from the displeased glare coming from Edward.

"Are you sure it'll be safe? I don't want to be responsible for anyone getting hurt, dear. You scared the poo out of me earlier. I'm not sure my heart can handle anything like that again," Esme visibly shuddered, as she remembered my psycho scream session from earlier.

"I can't guarantee anyone's safety, but we have to do something. You asked us for help, and that's what we're going to do." My response was short, but heartfelt nonetheless. I needed to help this family. I'd only known them for two days, but I felt a connection with them, and I had to make this right for them.

She handed me a key and gave me a timid smile, as she walked out the door, her family trailing behind.

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**Let me know what you think!**


	11. Chapter 11 Chickens On Crack

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. If I did, I'd have better things to do with my time rather than obsessing over it.**

**Quick thanks to OzellaMarie for pimping my story on her blog. I really appreciate it. You rock!**

**Also to Savory, the best reviewer ever...your words make me giddy, thank you!**

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**Chapter 11: Chickens on Crack and Libido Leachers **

**BELLA**

After Edward and his family left for the hotel, Jasper and I hauled buns back to his house to get Alice. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would know what to do about our current situation. I was feeling very anxious about going back into that house tonight, in light of what had happened with Edward, but I couldn't let that stop me. I had to man up, so to speak, and go balls deep into this investigation. There was a lot at stake for me and this family. I hadn't known the Cullen's for very long, but I definitely felt a connection to them, especially Edward, and I knew that my actions in this situation were going to affect them all greatly.

Alice readily agreed to go back in there with us, so we all piled into my truck and made the trek back to the house.

"Alice, I want you to be completely honest about what you hear and feel in that house. Don't hold anything back from me, even if it's for my own good," I asked, hoping that she wouldn't sugar coat anything. "I know there's something nasty in there, and I need to know why in the hell it's so fixated on Edward and me."

"Bella, you know me better than that," Alice scoffed. "Since when have I ever been one to hold my tongue?"

She had me there. She did tend to blurt whatever came to mind, _when_ it came to mind. I'd learned my lesson on that the last time I'd called her and asked her what she was up to. Without a second thought, she'd told me that she was busier than a wet cucumber in a women's prison. I still shuddered at the disturbing visual that comment had given me. It wouldn't have been so bad if it had just been me who had heard it, though. She had been in the checkout line at the grocery store and had ended up getting hit with a purse by an uptight, old blue-hair for her lewd comment. One could only hope she'd learn, eventually.

We pulled up to the house and piled out of the truck, making our way up the stone path to the front door. The porch light wasn't on, so I was having a hard time getting the key into the hole.

"Since when have you ever had a problem sticking anything in a hole?" Alice chided.

"Shut it, Psychic Network! If I wanted your comments, I'd dial your 900-number and pay the damn $9.95 per minute," I shot back.

I fumbled around for another minute and then finally felt the key slip in. Jasper and I walked inside with Alice hot on our heels. We parted like the red sea in front of her and let her go in ahead of us to do her thing.

Alice strolled around the place with her eyes closed, chin up, chest and butt stuck out abruptly. She looked kind of like a psycho chicken on crack. She was inhaling deeply, in through her nose and out through her mouth, like she was doing Lamaze or something. I'd never seen her do this before. I was intrigued.

"Not to interrupt, but what exactly are you doing, Alice?" I had to ask. It was just too weird looking not to.

"I'm becoming one with the house, Bella...duh," she chanted in a low, monotone voice.

"And why does becoming one with the house entail walking around like a stuck-up, hyperventilating crazed chicken?" I giggled as I stared at the ridiculous spectacle in front of me. The tie-dyed moo-moo-looking thing she was wearing just seemed to complete the scene.

"Never question the 'how' or 'why' of what I do, Bella." She opened her eyes, giving me a pointed look. "Just accept it. I _will_ get the answers you need."

Alrighty then, I'd just shut up now and let her do her thing. I guess I didn't know enough about this John Edwards, ghost-whispering-type shit to understand, apparently.

I decided to stroll over and stand by Jasper and just observe. That seemed to be my safest bet. He was leaning against the wall, arms folded across his chest, just taking in the show like it was nothing. I guess he'd been desensitized to the weirdness that was Alice. We followed her, as she went up the first flight of stairs, while still doing her chicken strut. She was making one of those deep, guttural, ball-hummer-types of sounds, while flailing her arms around in circles in front of her, in a kind of "wax on, wax off" fashion.

Just as I was about to comment, because hell, that shit was just too funny not to, Alice froze in her tracks, all movement and noise from her ceasing immediately. A few seconds later, she straightened her back into a normal posture, and turned around to face us. Her eyes had a far-away, glazed look in them.

"Alice! What is it? What's wrong? Did you see something?" I started rattling questions off, wondering what the hell had stopped her in her tracks like that.

She stood there, just staring blankly at me, for what seemed like forever. Not responding, not blinking, I was not even sure if she was breathing.

Suddenly, she blinked and focused her gaze on me.

"Oh, Bella...you...you...need to get out of here," she stuttered at me with a look of sheer terror on her face.

"What do you mean I need to get out of here? What happened, Alice?"

"This is just too overwhelming with you in here. The lust, the jealousy, the anger...I...I just can't feel them all at once. It's too much." Alice looked like she might collapse. "It's all directed at you."

"Alright, Alice, I'm going," I backed away with my hands in the air in surrender. "I'll just wait outside."

I turned and headed for the front door, so she could finish doing her assessment of the house, without my psycho, obsessed spirits interfering. I figured I could go sit in my truck and listen to my iPod while I waited.

I put my ear buds in and put on my 80's and 90's classics playlist, which had a little bit of everything on it. I definitely needed a distraction right now. Not being in the mood for anything in particular, I put it on shuffle, figuring I'd just listen to whatever came on. I laid back and closed my eyes, as the music began to play.

Oh, hell yeah! Just what mama ordered. A little Color Me Badd came on, and I couldn't help but sing along with it. I always changed the words a little, though, since I was not a dude and didn't want to sound like I want a good sexin' from a chick or anything.

B_oy, you make me feel real good_

_We can do it 'til we both wake up_

_Boy, you know I'm hooked on you_

_And this is what I'll do_

I was really belting it out now as the chorus came...

_I wanna sex you up_

_All night_

_You make me feel real good_

_I want to_

_I wanna rub you up and down_

_I wanna sex you up_

I was starting to feel the sexiness of the song seep in, and I started swiveling my hips in my seat, picturing Edward in my mind's eye. I let my hand roam up and down my body in a slow, seductive way, as I continued to sing along. I was kind of doing my own little lap dance to myself. What could I say? Color Me Badd tended to bring out my inner stripper.

_Let me take off all your clothes_

_Disconnect the phone so nobody knows, yeah_

_Let me light a candle so we can make it better_

_Makin' love until we drown_

_Ooooooohhhh Oooooooh Oooh Oooh_

I was almost screaming by the time the next chorus started, really finding my groove.

_I wanna sex you up…_

"Bella?"

"Oh SHIT!" I heard my name and turned around to see Edward standing at the window. He'd scared the ever-loving shizz out of me.

Once my heart re-booted, I rolled down the window.

"Don't you know it's not nice to sneak up on a girl like that, Edward?"

"Who was sneaking up? I tapped on your window and shouted your name about five times before you finally heard me," he snapped back, but had a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. I could tell he wasn't really pissed.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were staying at the hotel with your parents?" I asked while blushing furiously. I just realized that Edward had witnessed my impromptu, strip-club-like karaoke session.

"I was worried about you. I just wanted to make sure nothing happened." He stared at the ground and shifted back and forth on his feet while he spoke, seemingly unsure of his plans now.

I was moved by the sentiment. He really was a sweet guy.

"It's okay, Edward," I smiled up at him. "Do you want to keep me company, while I wait for Alice to finish up in there?"

"Sure," he said with a grin, as he bolted around to the passenger door and slid into the seat.

We sat in an awkward silence for a minute before he spoke.

"Why aren't you in there with them?" he asked.

"Well...um...Alice said that my presence was kind of hindering her abilities." That was a kind of half-truth. I didn't need to worry him more by telling him _why _my presence was affecting her.

"I'm glad you're not in there, Bella. I've never been more scared in my life as I was earlier. I couldn't even imagine how I would feel if I'd hurt you," he confided with a deep sigh.

"You didn't hurt me, Edward. You fought it. You fought it for me." It was almost a whisper.

"Can I ask you something, Bella?"

"Anything," I responded, looking up into his eyes, letting him know he had my undivided attention.

"Do you think I'll ever be able to kiss you..._just_ to kiss you?" I questioned him with my eyes, so he continued. "I mean, every time we've done anything, it's been for the investigation. I'd just really like to kiss you for no other reason than wanting to kiss you."

Well, what in the hell was a girl supposed to say to that? _No, Edward, I don't want you to electrify my panties with the touch of your lips, and I don't want my toes to curl from the almost-orgasm you can bring out of me just by one touch..._

"Yes."

It was the only coherent thought I could get out of my mouth.

**EDWARD**

She said yes. She wanted me the same way I wanted her. My insecure geeky side tried to win out by telling me not to get my hopes up. She was only doing what she was doing to help my family out with the haunting. But she'd said yes. She wanted me to kiss her, for no other reason than wanting to feel my lips on hers.

"Can I kiss you now?" I inquired with a shy grin.

"Please," she said in a low, seductive, sex kitten purr. Her words were telling me she wanted that kiss, but the tone in her voice led me to believe that she was game for a whole lot more.

I inched closer to her across the torn leather of the bench seat. She mirrored my movement, and we met in the middle. She smiled and closed her eyes, as I wrapped my hand around the back of her neck and pulled her lips to mine. The second they touched, all thoughts of a chaste make-out session flew right out the window. It was like our lips were generators for some sort of super sex electricity, that when harnessed, could power over a thousand boners, the likes of which had never been seen. If I could bottle that shit and sell it, the makers of Viagra would definitely go bankrupt.

She opened her mouth, and I immediately immersed my tongue into her warm depths, moaning loudly at the intense stirring it elicited in my love muscle. My hands wandered down the expanse of her back, coming to rest over the small swell of her ass. I swiftly lifted her up so that she was straddling my lap. She sank down and settled her searing, moist heat directly over my double-edged meat blade. I shit you not, that little fucker could have sliced a hole straight through my jeans to get to that vertical smile that was sheathed safely in her pants.

The intense feelings I was having for this woman were overwhelming. I'd never had sex; so technically, I didn't really know what I was missing. When I was touching Bella, though, I couldn't seem to stop the pornographic thoughts from running through my brain. I'd throw her down and take her bent over the dining room table at Thanksgiving dinner, with the whole family there to witness it, if I could. I wouldn't care. I had no sense of control around her. I wanted her more than I'd ever wanted anything.

She ground her hips down on me again, and I lost it. Everything about her consumed me so entirely, that I forgot about trying to keep my yogurt launcher at bay. I moaned again loudly and proceeded to fill my pants with a salty concoction of man cream.

To say that I was humiliated would have been an understatement. Bella pulled her lips from mine, as she felt my body still beneath her. I didn't want to open my eyes. I was sure to see a crestfallen, disappointed look on her face. How could she not? Three little hip swivels from her, and I was spent. What kind of man couldn't keep it together long enough to even get his wang out of his pants? Me, that was who.

Unable to prolong the inevitable, I opened my eyes. The look on Bella's face was unexpected. She was positively glowing, with a radiant smile that could have melted the polar ice caps.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I couldn't help it. You have no idea what you do to me," I sheepishly murmured.

"Don't be." She gazed at me through her thick brown lashes. "I've never had that kind of effect on anyone before. I'm quite flattered."

I felt myself smile, despite the uncouth display of my premature ejaculation. Before I could speak, we were interrupted by a tap on the window.

Alice and Jasper were standing there with smug looks gracing their faces. Bella quickly scampered off of my lap and hopped out of the driver's side door. Not wishing to display the now very wet spot in the front of my pants, I quickly took my jacket off and draped it over my arm and held it steadfast in front of me, as I stepped out of the truck.

"What's up, Alice?" Bella asked a little too loud and upbeat for the situation.

"Well, I could ask you the same thing," she retorted shooting a glance at the jacket hiding the evidence of what an incredible tool I was.

"Cut the crap, Alice. Tell me what you figured out in there," Bella sniped.

"I figured out quite a bit, actually. Now, if you'll cut the bitchiness, I just might tell you," Alice sniped back with a smug grin.

"Fine, Alice, I'll shut up now. Just tell me what's going on in there and what we can do to stop it," Bella relented.

"There are four entities in that house. Two of them in particular have fixated on you and Edward, as you were already aware. What I'm sure you were also aware of is that _you_ are the one in danger. Edward's problem is nothing more than good old-fashioned lust and jealousy from an obsessed spirit that likes to do dirty things to him. You, on the other hand, have a demonic incubus that has taken a liking to you and wants to make you his in a permanent way."

"What does that mean, Alice? Why me?" Bella looked confused.

"There was something about the sexual energy radiating from you. It feeds off of that. It was drawn to you, like you were some sort of super octane fuel for its libido-leaching engine, so to speak," Alice chuckled at her analogy.

"So what happens now?" Bella asked.

"What happens now is that you don't step foot back inside that house, until you get your rocks off in a big way," Jasper put his two cents in.

"What the hell are you talking about, Jasper?" Bella looked exasperated.

"What I mean is that you need to release all of that pent-up sexual tension that's rolling off of you in waves, before you're going to be able to go anywhere near this house again."

Now it was Bella's turn to go beet red. She looked over at me and tried to manage a smile, but failed miserably. As of late, I could definitely relate to how she felt, but I still couldn't help the crooked smirk that made its appearance.

"You can wipe that smirk off of your face, Mr. Jizz Stain. You're the reason she's so worked up, and you're the one that needs to fix it," Alice added.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I inquired, knowing full well what she meant, but needing to hear it just the same for my own ego.

"You've got her panties in such a twist and vice versa that you could cut the lust between you two with a knife. Hell, I'm getting horny just standing here talking to you. Imagine what a feast you're providing that horny-ass, sex-eating ghost in there!" Alice was nearly shouting at the end of her rant and talking animatedly with her hands.

Bella and I just stood there with flushed faces staring at her.

"Now, you two get out of here and go do whatever it is that you need to do to ease the tension before the séance tomorrow night. We'll need you two in order to get the answers we need, but I can't let you back in that house until you've both gotten your rocks off," Alice spoke over her shoulder, as her and Jasper hopped into Bella's truck and drove off.

It took Bella a good two minutes before she re-grouped enough to realize they had just left her there with me, and had taken _her_ truck.

"I guess I kind of need a ride now," she finally spoke.

"I'll give you a ride," I said with a sideways smirk. Oh shit! Well, that didn't sound like an innuendo or anything at all. Real smooth, Cullen…

Bella didn't seem to mind my double meaning, following me over to the Volvo and slid into the passenger seat.

"Let's do this," Bella stated confidently.

"Are you sure?" I questioned.

"I'm game if you're game," she replied.

"Then game on, baby! Where do you live?" I was almost bouncing in my seat with excitement.

She gave me directions, and I set my course for Bella's Den of Love. I was finally going to join the ranks of men tonight. Thank God!

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**A/N: Let me know what you think! Does everyone think it's time for B & E to go all the way?**


	12. Chapter 12 Let's Get It On!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I just enjoy making Edward squirm.**

**The consensus after the last chapter was that I should let these two finally shag. Well, I aim to please, so here you go...make sure you have a cigarette on hand for afterwards.**

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**Chapter 12: Let's Get It On!**

**BELLA**

We drove in almost virtual silence to my house. The only words being spoken were the few directions I gave him, since he didn't know where I lived. The sexual tension crackled around us like a lightning cloud had taken up residence in his anal-retentively-clean silver Volvo. Yes, being as nervous as I was, I was trying to focus on other things besides a naked Edward doing naughty things to me. His car was ridiculously clean, to the point that I could have run a white glove over his floor mats and come up without a speck. I felt like I was making it filthy just from the _dirty_ thoughts running through my mind. I laughed internally as I thought how funny that would be. _Oh, sorry, Edward, I don't know what came over me, but I think I left some sticky, gooey, sex fantasy essence on your dashboard. It's okay, though, I'm pretty sure Armor All will get that out._

I pointed to the parking lot entrance to my apartment complex, and Edward turned in quickly, finding the first parking spot he saw and damn near flew into it sideways.

"Excited much?" I asked.

"Sorry. I think I got a little carried away. But yes, I'm excited...very, very excited. In fact, I can't think of a time in my life that I've ever been more excited," Edward started ranting like he was Rain Man.

"Well, cool your jets a little. You're making me nervous, and I don't want to develop a case of performance anxiety. You're putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on me right now," I sighed, feeling rather exasperated.

It had just really hit me from the way Edward was behaving, that I was going to be his first. I would be the one he compared every future sexual encounter to. I suppose it was good for me that he didn't have anything to compare it to, just in case I really sucked at it. How did a girl really know if she was lousy in bed, anyway? Men didn't really give very good feedback in that department. Two tits, a hole and a heartbeat…that was what my dad, Charlie, had always said turned young guys on. He was never one to mince words. I liked to think it helped make me the worldly young woman that I was today. I think my dad might have given men a little too much credit with the heartbeat criteria, though. Hell, I was quite positive they'd be happy with a blow-up doll and a little lube. No heartbeat required there.

I shook my head to clear my ridiculous train of thought and squared my shoulders. I was determined to make this a memorable experience. I waited as Edward bolted around to the passenger side of the car and opened it for me, while extending his hand.

"My, my, such a gentleman," I mocked with a pretty terrible southern accent while batting my lashes at him.

"My momma brought me up right, Ma'am," Edward drawled.

Okay, his southern accent was worse than mine, but he had the cutest little grin on his face when he said it that I couldn't have cared less. I grinned in return, hooked my arm in his, and we almost danced up the three flights of stairs leading to my apartment. I was floating along in my la-la land daze, when I unlocked and opened the front door. It took a good thirty seconds before I realized that I hadn't been expecting company tonight.

Now, I wasn't what you would refer to as the most organized, clean person in the world. My life was 'organized chaos' as I liked to refer to it. Everything had a place. It might not have been a conventional place by most people's standards, but it had a place nonetheless. I had piles haphazardly strewn throughout my apartment. I was not a pig. I put dirty dishes in the sink and garbage in the garbage can, but everything else was just more easily accessible when it was not "put away." I had piles of folded laundry, magazines, shoeboxes full of bills that I couldn't pay, and other random things. Not a big deal, really. That didn't embarrass me. I was comfortable with who I was. What had my panties in a twist was the fact that I'd had quite the roto-rooting session with "Mr. Wiggly" this morning, after watching Edward's video. The shitty part of it was that I had just happened to have left it right in the middle of the coffee table.

I saw Edward's eyes gaze straight towards it, and he smirked.

"Is that some sort of trendy new coffee table sculpture? I've heard that 'vibrator art' is the newest decorating trend you know." Edward couldn't help the chuckle that escaped after his little quip.

"Ha, ha, very funny, smart ass. Don't make me remind you that I walked in on _you_ nursing a chub earlier," I jokingly punched his arm, as I not so graciously chucked the offending vibrator behind the couch.

"Point taken, I'll shut my mouth now," he said looking very humbled.

"So, this is my place," I said waving my arm. "It's not much, but it's mine, and I love it."

"It's nice. It suits you." Edward's excitement had kind of morphed into nervousness at this point.

I realized that I was going to have to be the aggressor with Edward. I was sure he had no idea what he was doing, and was too much of a gentleman to throw me down and ravage me. Not that I really knew what I was doing, either. My experiences in the land of sex had been limited to say the least. I had only dated one guy, Jake, and we had been together for three years. During that span of time, we'd had sex a total of ten times. For a guy, Jake was very standoffish about the whole thing. I had to literally beg for it every time we'd done it. Looking back, I now realized why. It became abundantly clear when he left me for Tyler Crowley, his personal trainer at the gym. I really should have known. He would get way too excited when I'd ask him to go shopping with me. What straight guy _liked_ to shop?

Well, it was now or never, I suppose. I needed to do something. Edward looked like he was about to pass out or something, and my hoo-ha was starting to have epileptic seizures from all of the anticipation of a new visitor.

**EDWARD**

I feel like I might pass out. This beautiful brunette goddess was willing to sleep with me, and I couldn't have been more excited if I'd tried…in _every_ sense of the word. All of my blood had rushed from my head, down to my lower extremities, leaving me feeling a little bit lightheaded.

"Relax, Edward. Everything is going to be great. I want this as much as you do," Bella reassured me with a smile.

Bella really was a beautiful woman. Her eyes were like two big windows. I almost felt like I was invading her privacy by looking into them. It was like they let me see straight into her thoughts and soul. One look into them, and I could see the sincerity in her words. God, I wanted this woman so badly. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the warmth of the desire she had for me, radiating all around like a damn electric blanket.

Bella grabbed me by the hand and led me down the short hallway and into her bedroom. She turned on the lamp next to the bed, and the room filled with soft yellow light. It illuminated her face in an ethereal way. She looked like an angel.

"Sit," she quietly instructed, as she pushed my shoulders until I was sitting on the edge of her bed.

She got down on her knees and inched her way between my thighs. She grabbed me by the shirt collar and pulled me towards her. Her fingers lightly skimming the skin behind my ears, making me tingle all the way to my toes.

"Don't worry, I'll be gentle. You really need to relax," Bella chuckled at my obvious discomfort.

It was not that I didn't enjoy this. I was just afraid that I would have another embarrassing premature explosion in my pants.

Oh shit! That reminded me; I'd already had a little accident in my pants that I had been too preoccupied to do anything about. My dick was probably glued to my stomach by now. That just wouldn't do at all.

"Um, Bella? Can I use your bathroom really quick?" She looked a little disappointed, but stood up and pointed in the direction of the bathroom.

"Thanks, I'll be right back."

I bolted into the bathroom. As soon as the door shut, I dropped my pants to inspect the damage. Sure enough, the gooey mess in my drawers had more or less super-glued my dick to my stomach and had left a gnarly-looking mess in my pubes. I grabbed a wet washcloth and used it as a chisel of sorts, slowly wedging it between my stomach and the extremely sensitive skin of my cock. After a few seconds of slowly shimmying it back and forth, I had succeeded in springing it free _and_ getting myself more excited in the process. I quickly wiped the residue off and went to work on the mess in my pubes. That wasn't as easy of a task. It was dry and crusty. I was thoroughly disgusted. I figured my best bet would be to just trim it all off. Hell, it would even make my Johnson look bigger. Win/win situation if you ask me.

I started rifling through the drawers, looking for some scissors or hair clippers…anything that could tame my "man-fro" down low. I came across a razor that looked like it might have been used to murder a poodle or something. It was pretty scary looking. I tossed it to the side with a shiver and continued my search. Bingo! There was an electric razor with a trimmer on one side. That would work great. I got to work, quickly hacking the crustified hair off. I stood over the toilet, so I wouldn't make a mess. I was just about finished, when I heard Bella's voice outside the door.

"Edward? Is everything okay?" Before I had a chance to react, the doorknob turned, and Bella's head poked in.

I couldn't move. I stood there frozen, with my dick in one hand and the clippers in the other. Her eyeballs sort of bugged out for a second, before rolling into the back of her head. What she did next was somewhat surprising. She laughed. Hard. We were talking doubled over, gasping for air, laughing.

"Oh, my God!" she wheezed between laughing fits, "I'm so going to have to burn that razor! First Emmett's ass hair, and now your pubes!" She was laughing uncontrollably now.

Did she just say Emmett's ass hair? Now I was grossed out. I dropped the clippers on the floor and quickly took a step away from the offending item.

"What exactly is going on in here?" Bella managed to ask once she got her laughing under control.

"Sorry…I…uh…had an issue from our earlier activities," I flushed from head to toe, as I pulled my pants back up.

"Oh." The light went on above Bella's head, as she realized what I was talking about. "I sort of forgot about that. Carry on. I'll be waiting for you when you're done," she smiled and closed the door as she left.

Why was it that I couldn't seem to refrain from embarrassing the shit out of myself around this woman? I wanted nothing more than to impress her, but _noooo_, every time I turned around; she caught me with my junk in my hand, doing something really stupid. I needed to redeem myself here. I needed to show her I was not a complete and utter moron. What was the best way to do that, you ask? I'd tell you. I was going to go out there and rock her world with my horizontal-mambo dance moves. True, I'd never done it before, but I'd watched enough porn that I think I knew what I needed to do. I was a very quick learner.

Determined, I sucked in a deep, soothing breath, puffed my chest out and walked out of the bathroom. I'd show her what a stud I could be. I entered her bedroom again on a mission. I was going to grab her and take her in any way she'd let me. Tonight would be memorable for both of us. I'd make sure of it.

As I breached the door to her room, I had the wind knocked out of me. All of the confidence I had built up vanished like a fart in the wind, when I caught a big eyeful of a naked Bella, sitting spread eagle on her bed, with her finger lost inside of her. I froze in my tracks instantly, afraid I might hyperventilate or possibly shoot another load off in my pants at the sight. She was breathtaking. Every inch of her body was perfect.

"What are you trying to do to me?" I asked, mesmerized by the show in front of me.

"I was just warming up for you," she said seductively. "Now get over here and help me out. My wrist is getting sore."

She didn't need to tell me twice. I dropped a different article of clothing with each step that I took. They were ripped from my body with lightning speed. I couldn't wait for skin-on-skin contact with her. My entire body was humming with desire. By the time I reached the bed, I was completely naked. I climbed onto the bed on my hands and knees, slowly tracing my fingers from her ankle, all of the way up her body. She quivered beneath my touch. I felt emboldened and took the liberty of grabbing her behind her head and pulling her in for a searing kiss. I lowered my other hand between us and replaced her fingers with mine. She moaned into my mouth, as I rubbed up and down her slick, pink lips.

"Edward?" she asked breathlessly.

"Hmmm?" I hummed.

"I want you inside me now. I don't have patience for foreplay right now. I need you."

Wow! She was direct. I was not complaining, mind you. I just didn't expect that to come out of her mouth. I thought all chicks liked foreplay. But who was I to deny her what she wanted? If she wanted to get it on, then let's get it on!

"You got it, baby," I said as I positioned myself between her thighs.

"Wait!" she exclaimed, as she shot out from underneath me and scrambled over to the nightstand. "Condoms!" she shouted, as she pulled two foil packets out of the drawer.

"I'm glad _you_ were prepared. I completely forgot about that. I'm sorry," I apologized.

"Don't worry about it. I'm on the pill, anyways, so we don't really need them."

"Oh, well, I haven't ever been with anybody else, so if you're worried about that..."

"No, I'm not worried," she interrupted. "I just thought we might want to double wrap it, for…um…sensitivity reasons?" she looked unsure of herself now.

"What are you talking about?" I was a little confused.

"They'll desensitize you…so you won't…you know, be done too soon," she stammered.

"Oh," realization hit me.

Well, that was just perfect. She thought I was such an inexperienced freak that I wouldn't be able to go more than two pumps before I blew my load. She was probably right, but the reality of her stating it out loud was a little humbling.

Bella carefully opened the package, questioning me with her eyes if she could put it on for me. I nodded and watched as she rolled the first one over my shaft. I flinched on the initial contact of her hand, since her touch tended to ignite a small electric spark between us. After that, I just melted into her sensually caressing fingers. Who knew rolling a condom on could be so pleasurable? Bella took her sweet time and made sure to give an extra stroke up and down to make sure it was all the way on. The second one wasn't quite as intense as the first. She was right; apparently it did desensitize you a little bit. It still felt damn good, though.

"There we go, all done. Now, come to momma," she purred as she finished sheathing me in multiple layers and leaned back onto the pillow.

My heart seized, as the sudden enormity of the situation crashed down on me. I was naked. She was naked. I had two condoms on and was aimed and ready to launch. This was it, the moment I'd been waiting my entire adult life for. Now, I just hoped I don't screw it up.

"Are you sure about this?" I questioned, hoping to God her answer was yes. I wanted her to have an out if she wanted one, though.

"I'm about as sure as I'm ever going to be. Now get over here. I want you inside of me now," she demanded. I kind of liked this dominating side of her. It was hot.

I did as she said and situated myself between her thighs once again. With all of the latex covering me, I could barely feel my target. With a deep exhale, I thrust forward and could feel my tip entering. The feeling overwhelmed me, and I stilled myself, hoping to regain a little control.

"Oh, my god, Bella! You're so fucking tight." I could barely speak it was so exhilarating. "I can barely fit in here."

"Um…Edward?" She looked up at me with a bewildered look. "You're kind of in the wrong hole."

My eyebrows shot up to my hairline, and I choked on my own spit a little at the shock of what she'd just said. I quickly pulled out the half inch that had found its way in.

"Christ! I'm so, so sorry. I don't know what it is about you, but I seem to make a complete fool of myself every time I'm around you," I huffed, losing my erection rapidly.

"It's not a big deal, Edward. Do you think you're the first person who's ever slid off course before? Hell no," she scoffed.

"I'm sorry I ruined this. It's like I said before. Every time I get even slightly close to having sex, something always goes terribly wrong. The Gods hate me, and I'm doomed to die a virgin," I pouted.

"Just knock off that attitude right now!" Bella scolded as she wrapped her fingers around the base of my nearly-limp dick and squeezed. The blood instantly rushed back into my raincoat-clad jimmy with a vengeance. "Now shut up and come finish what we started," she said with authority, as she lay back, pulling me with her.

I shook off my feelings of eternal virginal doom as best I could and re-focused on the mission at hand. If I was going to get laid, I needed to stop being such a pouty little whiner and just do it. I owed myself that much.

"Yes, Ma'am," I quickly obeyed, covering her body with mine once again. I fiercely pressed my lips to hers, as I repositioned myself where I needed to be.

This time, Bella wasn't taking any chances. She kept a firm grasp on the base of my cock, as she lined it up with the _correct _entrance. She rubbed it up and down her slit a few times, coating it, before placing it into her hot, moist love cavern. My eyes rolled into the back of my head as she enveloped me. One jerk of my hips, and I was balls deep in ecstasy.

"Holy-fucking-shitty-shit-fuck!" I groaned as I felt the first wave of pleasure pulse through me.

"Ooohhh, tell me about it," Bella panted.

I closed my eyes and began to slowly thrust in and out. If I were to look at Bella again, I'd lose it in a heartbeat. Her face was pure sex. Being sheathed within her, I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. She was the hard drive to my floppy disk. Metaphorically speaking, of course, I was not really _floppy._

She started rolling and grinding her hips against me with purpose now, meeting every one of my thrusts with a salsa dance-style hip swivel and a clench of her kegel muscles. I was thanking the dear Lord above right then that I was double wrapped, because I nearly came undone with that last cock-clench.

Somehow, I managed to keep it together and kept at a steady rhythm. I could hear Bella's moaning pick up a few octaves, as I lifted her leg up around my waist and angled myself to hit that elusive sweet spot I'd read up on.

"Yes! Right there! Oh, my god, Edward!" she screamed, and I felt her walls clamp down on my cock like an iron vice. They continued to squeeze and pulse around me, leaving me no choice but to finish. I didn't want to. I was enjoying it way too much. I felt my balls tighten, and blinding orgasmic waves shot through my body. I was spent.

I collapsed on top of her, breathing erratically and sweating like a whore in church. Once my breathing evened out, I rolled over, pulling out of her. It felt like I was a battery being unplugged from its charger when I pulled away. She was the docking station that I was meant to be plugged into. I couldn't wait to do that again...a lot!

"That was...wow...just wow," I said, finally opening my eyes and looking over at Bella.

"I've got to say, you're a pretty fast learner. First time out of the gates, and you got me off. I've _never_ gotten off during sex before. Kudos, Cullen," Bella confided.

A cocky smile took over my face with this newfound knowledge.

"Really? No one?" I asked.

"Really. I wouldn't joke around about something like that," she said trying to look all serious, but failing miserably.

"So does that mean that you'd be willing to do that again sometime?" I asked hopefully.

"Absolutely. In fact, I intend on throwing Mr. Wiggly away first thing tomorrow. I have a feeling I won't be needing his services anymore," she stated confidently.

"Who's Mr. Wiggly?" I asked confused.

"That purple thing I threw behind the couch earlier. It was my battery-operated boyfriend, but I just officially dumped him."

"Well, that's good to know. Do you think you'd be up for round two soon?" I was hoping beyond hope that she was, because I could feel myself getting hard again just gazing at her beautiful naked body.

"I think that's a possibility. But first things first, we need to go take a shower. We need to do something about the Mohawk you gave to your penis. It's very distracting to look at," she replied laughing at my botched attempt at trimming my pubes.

"Sounds good to me." She didn't need to tell me twice. I almost ran to the bathroom.

Just when I'd thought things couldn't get any worse tonight, my luck had turned and I'd just had the best night of my life. I think things might just have been looking up for me after all.

Bella walked in the bathroom behind me, and I was already turning the water on in the shower. Steam filled the room, clouding the mirror over.

"I think the shower's ready for us to get in," I said with no response from Bella. She just stood there, completely quiet. I turned to look at her to find out why she wasn't speaking. When I did, the look on her face scared the shit out of me. She was frozen, staring at the mirror, all of the color drained out of her face, and it didn't look like she was breathing.

"Bella! What's wrong?" I was freaking out a little by this point.

She slowly raised her arm and pointed in the direction of the mirror. "Hey, Edward? What do you suppose that means?" Bella spoke in a monotone voice, void of any inflection.

I turned my head to see what she was pointing at, and suddenly, I was just as white as Bella. Written in the steam on the mirror was _"Bella Must Die"_ in the creepiest-looking script I had ever seen.

Bella turned her gaze back to me suddenly. "They've followed us here."

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**A/N: Sorry for having to put Edward through all of that trauma just to get laid. You all know as well as I do that these two couldn't have had a perfect sexual encounter. It would be out of character for them.**

**I'm dying to know what you all thought. Please review and let me know!**


	13. Chapter 13 Near Death Experiences

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, or the characters.**

**This chapter starts out pretty intense, but don't worry...more fun stuff to come. Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 13: Near-Death Experiences**

**BELLA**

Never in a hundred years had I expected to have those bat-shit crazy, perverted ghosts follow me home. How in the hell did this shit happen? I was at a complete loss.

To make matters even worse, they chose my sexy-shower-time with Edward to make their presence known. Why couldn't they have waited until we were done? They might as well have just smacked him on the ass, while he was in the middle of accidentally stabbing at my brown starfish. That could have been interesting...wait, maybe not. He might have gone in too far. That was definitely an "exit only" hole for me. Gross.

At this point in time, I was not sure if I was more scared or pissed off at this whole situation. After all of the shit I'd seen go down in Edward's house, nothing should have surprised me. I was pissed about all of the cock-blocking and unnecessary harassment I'd endured. To say that I was a little unnerved at the threatening message directed straight at me, written on that mirror, would have been an understatement. Why did I have to die? It was not fair.

"This is bullshit, Edward!" I stomped my foot and flared my nostrils, as I decided to voice the fact that I'd had enough of this crap.

Determined, I decided that I wasn't going to let this ruin my night. After all of the shit we'd been through today, we were finally getting to the good stuff, and I'd be damned if I was going to let these see-through sluts get the upper hand here. "I'm not going to run and be scared over this. I say we don't let this cryptic-ass, jealous ghost shit ruin our night. We came in here to shower, now let's shower!" I ranted.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Bella. What if you get hurt? What if _I_ hurt you? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to you because of me." Edward looked like he was about to cry.

"Don't be such a princess, Edward! I'll be fine. Mind over matter. If we don't let them control us through fear, then they have no power over us. You'd do well to remember that." It sounded like a good enough theory. Let us just hope that Edward bought that load of crap and followed me in. I turned and walked passed him and went to step into the shower.

"Bella, please, let's get out of here. I don't feel good about this," Edward said, grabbing me by the arm, stopping me from getting in. I turned and looked into his eyes. They were pleading with me to listen to him. He really was worried about me. He was so sweet.

"Fine, we won't shower," I relented. "Where in the hell are we supposed to go, though? They can obviously follow us anywhere."

"I don't know. What do you think?" he answered, looking at me expectantly.

"You think I know what to do in this situation?" I questioned. "In all of my investigations, I've never actually come across a real ghost. This is a first for me, too, Edward." My admission caused Edward to blink several times in rapid succession, shaking his head back and forth in disbelief.

"Are you serious? You've never actually dealt with ghosts before now?" His mouth hung open in shock.

"No, I haven't. My whole idea behind these investigations was to prove that fear is what causes people to believe in the paranormal. It's easier to admit that there's a ghost rather than appear to be nothing more than a scared pansy-ass. I never expected that I'd actually come across any for real, I never actually believed in them," I confided, feeling my cheeks heating with my admission.

In all of the chaos that had happened since Esme Cullen walked into my office, I hadn't realized that my entire thesis was now a bunch of crap. Ghosts _did_ exist. I had proof beyond a shadow of a doubt, and they scared the shit out of me. I also realized that I was not equipped to deal with this situation. I barely had my head above water here. Edward was looking to me for guidance, and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Man, I was a jackass sometimes.

"Edward, I'm so sorry. I have absolutely no idea what to do." Now I felt like I might cry, I was in way over my head.

"Let's go get dressed. We can go back to my hotel room. Maybe they won't follow us there," Edward suggested.

"Sounds good to me," I agreed. We both wrapped towels around our naked bodies, suddenly feeling a little modest for some reason, and walked out of the bathroom.

As I was walking into my room, a chill ran through me, causing an epileptic-like shudder to shake my body violently for a moment. All of my hair was standing on end, and I just knew something bad was about to happen.

"Edward, something's not right. We need to get out of here now," I whisper-yelled across the room at him.

"What are you talking about? What's wrong?" The words had barely left his mouth, when I felt my body engulfed in a blanket of sub-arctic, icy air.

"Shit, Edward! Now! We need to go now!" My fear suddenly overwhelming me, I darted for the door. I didn't care that I was only wearing a towel. I needed to get out of there and fast.

I didn't get very far, though. As soon as I took two steps to leave, my body was jerked backwards and pinned against the wall by an unseen specter. I felt my arms being moved out from my sides, feeling intense pressure on my wrists and chest. I could hardly breathe. It was like a four-hundred-pound man was sitting right on top of my ribcage. I wanted to scream, but I could barely take a deep enough breath to keep me conscious at that point.

In my peripheral vision, I saw Edward make a move toward me, but he was halted in his tracks and pinned against the wall adjacent to me. His arms were pulled up and away from his sides also, making us both look like we were being crucified. I could feel my body slowly sliding up the wall, the old plaster raking across the skin on my back, leaving a blinding sting in its wake. My feet were now dangling in the air, arms splayed out to the side, and my towel had slipped off of my body, pooling on the floor where I had been standing seconds before.

I'd never been what you would call a religious person, but in that moment, all I could do was close my eyes and pray to God for help. I could feel my consciousness slipping away, as I struggled to take even the shallowest breath. With the last bit of strength I could muster, I turned my head to say goodbye to Edward, fearing I'd never see him again. It took everything in me to focus. Everything in my periphery was a black haze, but I could see him, only him. Our eyes locked, and I could see the same fear and longing, glazed over in his eyes that I was sure mirrored mine. About a thousand emotions rocked through my body at once, as I stared at this man that I had only just met a few days ago. There was such a familiarity to him that I felt like I'd known him all of my life, and wouldn't really mind having him around for the rest of it. That was when it hit me that it might never happen. I was not in the best of circumstances at the moment, and I had no idea how this was going to end up. I think at this point, I'd vote in favor of the invisible ass-pirate holding me against the wall, squeezing the life out of me.

Resigned to my fate, but determined to get the last word in, I arched my back off of the wall with the last bit of strength I had left in me. I sucked in as deep of a breath as I could to say goodbye to the beautiful man next to me.

"I love you, Edward," I croaked, shocking myself by what I had just said. I meant to say goodbye, but what came out was surprising to say the least. I'd never said those words to anyone outside of my immediate family before. Why had I said that just now? Was it lack of oxygen to my brain? Was it a cop-out because I knew I'd never have to own up to it, since I was just about dead? How in the hell was I able to have an internal rant like this when I was being choked to death?

I opened my eyes and noticed I was no longer pinned to the wall. I was lying face down on the floor, breathing deeply, oxygen flowing back to all of the deprived parts of my body. I coughed and sputtered for a moment, then looked up to see that Edward was doing the same. He looked up at me worriedly.

"Let's get the fuck out of here, Bella!" he rasped, still out of breath.

I stood, fumbling around to grab my towel and find something a little more substantial to wear. I was still butt-naked after all.

"Just grab the towel; we need to leave, now!" Edward was panicking.

I picked up the towel, just as Edward was grabbing my hand to take me out of there. He pulled a little too hard, causing me to stumble behind him, as he sped through my apartment. By the time I was able to steady myself, we were already at the front door. He opened it and flew out, glancing back at me at the same time, his protective nature wanting to make sure I was okay, I was sure, even though I was far from it.

Just as we rounded the corner, I felt a sharp crack on the back of my head, and Edward lost his grasp on my hand, as he crashed down to the ground on top of someone. I watched Edward's naked limbs flailing in an attempt to get back up from whoever it was that he had just ran into. Then I looked around to see what in the hell had hit me on the back of the head. A quick survey of the area around me revealed that I had been hit in the head with none other than Mr. Wiggly. What in the hell was that all about? Mr. Wiggly never hurt anyone. Was that the stupid, whore ghost's way of telling me to stick to my battery-operated boyfriend instead of being with Edward? Not going to happen, my friends.

"Christ, Edward! Put on a jock strap or something! You're going to give yourself dick-lash running around with that thing loose!" Emmett's booming voice brought my attention back to the naked-Edward-on-the-ground situation.

Apparently, a very naked Edward had plowed down Emmett on our way out of the house, while I was getting physically abused by my vibrator.

"Emmett, what are you doing here?" I asked while desperately looking for the towel I had dropped at some point during our desperate escape attempt. Not seeing it anywhere, I started crossing my arms over my girly parts in an attempt to hide them from Emmett's gaze. He was full-on bug-eyed, staring at me.

"I think I should ask you that question," Emmett shot back. "I don't think you're supposed to hang out naked outside of your apartment, young lady," he scolded me like I was a child, waggling his finger at me.

"Like we had a choice in the matter, shit-for-brains! Give me your jacket NOW, if you want to keep your testicles attached to your body!" I demanded.

"Hey now, no need to get all 'gladiator' on the twins," Emmett said as he shrugged his jacket off and handed it to me. "Big Jim's already been through enough trauma for one day. I definitely don't need anything else happening down there."

"I'd love to stay here and talk about your groin some more, but we need to get out of here. It's not safe." I wrapped Emmett's jacket around me and bent over to pick Mr. Wiggly up off of the ground. I looked over at Edward, who was standing shyly next to me with his hands cupped around his junk.

"Emmett, give Edward your shirt," I demanded, as I pulled them both along with me down the stairs quickly. I didn't want to risk anything else flying at my head. He did as he was told and handed his shirt to Edward. Fortunately, Emmett was a pretty hulky guy, and Edward was able to wrap the shirt completely around his waist and tie it off, creating a sort of Greek God, half-toga look.

The three of us continued down to the parking lot, each of us now only partially dressed. Thank God it wasn't a very cold night. We arrived at the car, and I took a deep cleansing breath, trying to shake off everything that had just happened. Edward hadn't spoken since we'd walked out of my apartment. Not that I could blame him. He was just almost killed, and I had blurted out my undying love for him, all within a span of seconds. That would be a lot for anyone to take in. The nude-in-public aspect didn't help much, either, I was sure.

"So what gives? Why were you two streaking your apartment complex?" Emmett was the first to speak.

"It's a long story, Em," I sighed. "Short version is, Edward was possessed earlier. He tried to attack me. He snapped out of it. We came to my place to bump uglies, because we apparently have too much sexual tension between us, Alice's orders. After we did the deed, we realized the ghosts have followed us. We were attacked and choked to within an inch of our lives. I professed my undying love to Edward. We ran out of my apartment. You and Edward did your little naked wrestling thing, while I got pelted in the head with my vibrator. Then we borrowed your clothes and here we are. Good enough explanation for you?" I ranted, nearly out of breath from the diarrhea I'd just spewed out of my mouth. "Wait a minute...what are _you_ doing here at this hour, Emmett? The last you knew, I'd still be at Edward's house."

"Oh...um...well, I sort of needed something I forgot at your place the other day," Emmett stammered. "Did you just say you love Edward?"

Oh, my God! Had I really just told him that? Of course I had. Why wouldn't I? I wondered if they had an athlete's _tongue_ spray. I was going to need it with as much as my foot was up in there. Of course, being Emmett, that was the only detail of my rant that he'd retained. I must deflect; answer a question with a question, that usually worked.

"What did you forget at my place that you just had to have at two in the morning, Emmett? And for that matter, why did you leave Edward's house in such a hurry with your pants around your ankles?" I'd only just remembered that little incident from earlier.

"You're going to think I'm crazy if I tell you." I didn't think it was possible, but Emmett actually looked shy and unsure of himself.

"After tonight, nothing you could tell me would surprise me, _or_ make me think you're crazy," I assured him. I'd seen my fair share of jacked-up shit in the last twenty-four hours. I think I could handle whatever he had to throw at me.

"Well, I thought I could provoke the ghosts into jerkin' my gherkin or something while we were at Edward's house. It's been a while since I'd 'sunk the submarine' if you know what I mean. How was I supposed to know they didn't like dirty talk?"

Just when I thought I'd seen and heard it all, Emmett proved me wrong. I couldn't even put two words together to chew him out for his stupidity. I was in complete awe of the ridonkulousness that was Emmett. At least he was always good for entertainment.

"What did they do to you?" Edward finally decided to join the conversation by encouraging Emmett and his ass-tastical story.

"The ghost-urbating didn't go quite like I'd planned. Those ectoplasmic snail-trail-leaving skanks thought they could bend my silly stick like it was a Gumby toy," Emmett looked appalled. "It's broken now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to use it again." I saw a tear slip from one eye. "I had to make a splint with Popsicle sticks and duct tape, and I think I might have a splinter in my taint now."

Whoa, and I thought my verbal diarrhea was bad. That was far beyond anything I could have imagined.

"That was...um...quite the story, Emmett. You still didn't tell me what you needed to get from my apartment, though." I was intrigued now.

"Oh, sorry, I forgot about that. I left my remote-controlled fart machine up there. I taped it underneath your office chair the other day. I thought it would be fun to fuck with you later."

"Emmett, why would you need that now?" I was thoroughly confused.

Without another word, Emmett walked over to his car and opened the door. He pulled out what looked like a tool belt that had been fitted with a jock strap, complete with the cup inside. There were wires connected to the strap of the belt, which then connected in a tangled mess all over the place and little blinking lights here and there. It was quite a sight. It looked like it could have been Robocops underwear.

"What in the hell is that?" I couldn't wait for his explanation of this.

"It's my new invention. I call it 'Erection Protection 3000.' I'm going to wear it for the séance. I'm not taking any more chances." Emmett was all business now. "I've got sensors wired to the cup that sends a radio signal out if there's any fluctuation in temperature or electromagnetic energy. I've programmed it to have the same radio frequency as my fart machine, so if any of those succu-bitches come anywhere near my package again, I'll know. This puppy will send a juicy cheek-screetcher out if they come within a ten-foot radius," he beamed proudly at his creation.

"That's pretty impressive, Emmett. Where did you learn how to do this?" I couldn't believe he'd come up with this on his own.

"I'm not stupid, Bella. I just choose to conserve my brain skills for things that are important. Protecting the goods is important," he said with finality.

"I can't argue that," I agreed. "If you're going to brave my apartment, do you think I could talk you into grabbing our clothes out of my bedroom? I'm pretty sure we'll get in trouble being nude in public like this."

"Do you think it's safe? I mean...I don't have my 'Erection Protection 3000' up and running yet. What if they're still up there? I can't handle any more damage to the baby-maker tonight." Emmett was serious now. I could see the apprehension in his face.

"I won't make you go up there, Emmett. It was pretty intense in there earlier, I won't lie. I don't think they want to hurt you, though. You provoked them before. Just don't do it again, and I think you'll be fine."

"You're right, Bella. I need that fart machine for this thing to work, anyways. I have to do it. I'll go." Still shirtless, he bravely walked back up the stairs to my apartment.

I turned to look at Edward, who was standing behind me. I chuckled quietly to myself, as I noticed a bit of his twig and berries dangling below the shirt tied around his waist. My laughter quickly died, though, and I felt a pang of panic rise up and clench my heart. There was no way of avoiding the conversation I was about to have with him. I'd told him that I loved him in a moment of desperation. Had I meant it? I knew I hadn't meant to say it, but had I really meant it? Did I love Edward? I knew that when I thought I was never going to see him again, there was an indescribable feeling of loss and regret that flooded my body. Was that love? Could he possibly feel the same way about me? We barely even knew each other, but I'd never felt a connection with anyone like I felt with Edward. I couldn't prolong the inevitable. The elephant in the room needed to be addressed. Let's just hope he didn't cut and run like a scared little bitch.

"Edward...I...uh-" I couldn't form the words I was searching for. I didn't know what I was going to say. Fortunately, I was cut off. Edward said the three most perfect words that my ears had ever heard.

"Me, too, Bella."

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**A/N: So, I know you all probably think it's a little too early for the "I love you's." But I happen to think that soul mates shouldn't fart around with things like that. You never know if there'll be another tomorrow to let people know how you feel.**


	14. Chapter 14 Mission EmPossible

**I do not own SM's Twilight, just borrowing her characters.**

**I thought a little comic relief with Emmett was needed after the tense chapter before. Here's Emmett's adventure getting the fart machine for his new invention. Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 14: Mission Em-possible**

**EMMETT**

Okay, I could do this. Just get in and get out. There was nothing to be afraid of. What could those skanky-ass, dick-breaking spooks possibly do to me that was worse then what they'd already done?

Resolved to get my hands on that fart machine, I carefully tiptoed down the hallway leading to Bella's front door. I took a deep steadying breath, while grasping protectively around my already injured manhood. I opened the door to the apartment as quietly as I could. Stealth was apparently not one of my finer qualities, though. The damn thing creaked with such vibrato on its hinges that it reminded me of the time I'd pulled Granny McCarty's finger on a dare. That was a day I'd tried to suppress from my memories since I was twelve. Strangely, the smell that suddenly invaded my nose reminded me an awful lot of that day, too. I jumped back abruptly, after sticking my head only inches inside of Bella's living room. It smelled like the Bog of Eternal Stench in there. I didn't even think Granny M's funk could have held a candle to this brand of stink. I felt my nose hair singe, as I took a shallow breath. I gagged, trying desperately not to puke in my mouth. Without my shirt on, I had nothing to pull up over my nose to escape the malodorous assault on me.

I couldn't let a little smelliness stop me. I needed to get that fart machine, and I would not let them stop me. I had to be quick, though. I trudged forward with stink-tears pooling in my eyes, seeking out the office chair that had my precious little piece of equipment duct-taped underneath.

"Ah, there you are, my sweet," I cooed at the flatulating little black box beneath the chair. I grabbed it and yanked, pulling it free.

"Fart machine acquired. Now I just need some clothes for naked and naked-er out there," I gagged as I spoke. I guess I should probably just keep my monologue internal for now. Talking was making my mouth taste like I'd licked a buffalo sphincter. Gross.

I crept down the short hallway leading to Bella's bedroom, confident that I would find their clothes in there. I slowed to a stop, since the air became even thicker with that sulfurous stench as I approached. It was at least twenty degrees colder back there, too. My skin erupted in goose bumps, as I stood there contemplating whether or not to proceed.

_Are you sure you want to go in there, Emmett? You do remember what happened the last time you decided to tangle with sexually-frustrated ghosts, don't you? You got a bad yanky on your wanky, didn't you?_

I grunted in frustration, as my subconscious decided to join the party. Maybe this wasn't the best idea after all. All signs seemed to be leaning toward going into that bedroom being a really bad idea. I'd had a run-in with these fuck-nuggets once already tonight, and from what Bella had said, they'd roughed her and lover boy up pretty good, too. The way I saw it, I'd already gotten what I came in here for. Those two twat-waffles could get clothes anywhere. I didn't need to risk my life, or my junk for that matter, for them to be clothed. This selfless bullshit definitely did not suit me. I was gonna make like a fetus and head out!

With my mind made up, I turned on my heel and made my way back to the front door.

"Well, I'm glad that was uneventful," I spoke out loud to myself as I reached for the doorknob. I twisted and pulled, but the door didn't budge. Should have kept my mouth shut.

"What the fuck!" I screamed out loud, tugging even harder on the door that still wouldn't budge. "Let me out of here you cock-breaking, taco-fart-smelling butt-monkeys!" Okay, so I got a little childish when I was pissed...sue me.

I yanked and rattled the door, trying desperately to get out of the apartment to no avail. I looked around the room and saw the kitchen window. I could definitely make my escape through there. So what if we were on the third floor. It couldn't hurt any worse than sticking my dick in a meat grinder, which was the logical next step if I were to stay here any longer. My penis didn't have the best track record around these ghosts, you know.

My feet were moving, before I could give my brain a chance to second-guess my plan. I bolted across the room towards the partially-ajar kitchen window. I'd never really noted what was underneath that window in all of the times I'd been over here, but I didn't really care at this point. I needed out of this room, for the sake of all of the future Emmett Jr.'s I planned on making someday.

I swiftly opened the window wider to fit my manliness through. Not wanting to break my neck, I very intelligently decided that I would go feet first. I stuck my feet out the window one at a time, shimmied my butt forward on the sill, and jumped. I closed my eyes tightly, waiting for the inevitably painful crash to the ground. The crash didn't come, however. What did come was a hot searing pain, radiating from my ass crack that I couldn't even describe in words. My trip to the ground, it seemed, had been delayed by a nail sticking out of the windowsill that had decided to grab hold of my boxers for dear life. I didn't fall, but I got the most epic wedgie of all times. The fabric crawled so far up my ass that I could taste the flavor of the dryer sheets mom had used. Snuggle Bear definitely smelled better than he tasted.

Now, I was effectively stuck, dangling mid-air, by my underwear. The ball-wrenching pain searing through me was overwhelming. I felt my boxers scraping mercilessly on the tender area of my taint, which had been previously inflicted with a festering splinter from my popsicle-stick splint. I couldn't help the sob that escaped my mouth. I didn't care anymore. I cried like a three-year-old little girl.

I couldn't stay like this a second longer. Through my tears and sobs that were racking through me, I managed to squeak out a frantic plea for someone to come and help me. Nobody heard me, though. I didn't know what I expected, anyway. If I'd seen some dude dangling by his skivvies outside a window, I'd just grab my camera instead of going to help. That shit would be rad on YouTube, and it'd probably go viral. Unfortunately for me, I couldn't video tape myself, but that was neither here nor there.

I decided to wiggle a little to see if the fabric would rip and release me. Several minutes of fruitless efforts and I still couldn't get down. Damn, these Fruit-of-the-Looms were strong!

There was bound to be a tremendous amount of chaffing involved if I didn't do something fast. In a last-ditch effort, I decided to unzip my pants, hoping to tear the fabric in the front with my hands. My rather loose-fitting, baggy jeans unceremoniously fell to the ground. I heard the fart machine crack into pieces, as it hit the ground with my pants. The same fart machine that I'd just risked my life to get. Fan-fucking-tastic.

I dangled three stories above the ground now, in nothing but my boxers. I was not even sure if they could be referred to as boxers anymore, though. They more closely resembled a thong, which aside from giving my butt a good flossing, was currently giving me a moose-knuckle of epic proportions. That settled it, from now on, I was going commando. Underwear were nothing but trouble, it seemed.

Ready to be out of this ridiculous predicament, I harnessed every bit of strength left in me. I gripped the elastic waistband at the front of my boxers and started tugging at them with all that I had. It only took a second before I heard the tearing sound I'd been anxiously awaiting. Then I was falling. Shit, I'd forgotten about that part. I closed my eyes, as I braced myself for the impact once again...and this time it came. Hard.

I laid there for a bit, momentarily stunned from the impact. I flexed my arms and legs to survey what damage had been done. I was sore, but nothing was broken. That had been a pretty long fall, and I wondered how I had managed it unscathed, I thought to myself as I rolled to my side to get up. Then I realized that something had broken my fall. It was soft and fluffy. What the hell?

"Oh no! Not Jackson McPube-erson!" I cried as I realized I had just squashed the little stray black poodle that had been hanging around here for months. I'd named him that because his hair was so black and curly that he reminded me of a cross between a Jackson Five fro and an untrimmed beav. I thought it was fitting.

With tears in my eyes, I picked up his limp little body and carried it back towards the parking lot with me. It didn't really cross my mind that I was now totally butt-ass naked, too. I was too distraught over the death of the innocent little puppy in my arms.

I rounded the corner of the apartment building and saw Bella and Edward sitting in his car waiting for me. Bella's eyes connected with mine, and I could practically hear the "What the Fuck?" radiating from them. This should be a fun one to explain.

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**A/N: No animals were actually harmed in the writing of this chapter. Reviews are welcome! I'd love to know what you think of this nutty little story so far.**


	15. Chapter 15 Puppy Love & Train Rides

**I do not own SM's Twilight, just borrowing her characters.**

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**Chapter 15: Puppy Love and Train Rides**

**BELLA**

"Me too Bella."

Edward's words sent my heart fluttering. I had been so sure that he would throw on a titanium chastity belt and run for the hills after my spur-of-the-moment declaration of love for him, but he didn't. He reciprocated. Shit.

This put me into completely foreign territory. I'd never been in love before, and quite frankly, it scared the shit out of me. I instantly pictured myself years down the road. I was staring at a reflection in the mirror that I no longer recognized. My youthful good looks had morphed into a disturbing image of an old, tired, wrinkly woman, with boobs sagging down to her ankles. She was surrounded by at least a dozen screaming little brats with peanut butter and jelly smeared all over their hands and faces, soiling everything they came in contact with. They were picking their noses and randomly flicking boogers throughout the room, screaming and running, with no regard for anything or anyone else. This image was not giving me the warm fuzzies. I suddenly felt dizzy.

"Are you okay, Bella?" Edward's concerned voice broke me out of the inner turmoil I was suffering from. I shook my head to clear the rancid image from it and turned to look at him. I instantly relaxed. Staring back at me were the two most gorgeous eyes I'd ever seen, looking at me with more concern and adoration then I'd ever experienced. What in the hell was I so worried about? No matter what the future held for us, as long as he looked at me like that, no amount of booger flicking or saggy boobs could scare me away from this man. He was everything I never knew I'd always wanted.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. A lot has happened in the last couple of days. It's a lot to take in," I answered sincerely, giving him a shy smile to let him know I was serious.

"I wasn't sure if…well, you know…maybe you didn't really mean what you said back there, and I'd just made things worse." He looked so unsure of himself. I felt bad for doing that to him. "I didn't want to confuse the situation. I can see that maybe I have."

"Stop!" I interjected. "I meant what I said in there. I'm a little surprised about it myself, I won't lie, but I can't deny that I _do_ feel that way about you…I love you." I closed my eyes and sighed, feeling good about getting those words out, under less dire circumstances than before. When I opened them again, I saw Edward's face glowing with happiness. Without a word, he grabbed me and pulled me into his chest, squeezing all of the air out of my lungs. I didn't care, though. I was right where I wanted to be at that moment.

"I'm glad," he whispered in my ear, "Because I really do love you, too." We stood there for a while, just holding each other. I shivered a little, as a cool breeze wafted up the back of Emmett's jacket that I was wearing.

"You're cold. We should sit in the car while we wait for Emmett to come back with our clothes," Edward suggested. I couldn't really argue with his idea. We _were_ mostly naked, standing outside in the parking lot of my apartment complex after all.

"Good idea. One problem, though, aren't your keys in your pants pocket upstairs?" I questioned.

"Yes, but I've got a spare." He reached under the front fender of his spit-shined Volvo and pulled a magnetic hide-a-key box out. You had to love a man who was prepared…even if he had forgotten condoms.

He unlocked the door and opened it for me to climb in. He turned on the heat, and we both sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, trying to defrost.

"Emmett is definitely taking his sweet-ass time up there. I hope he's okay," I mumbled softly to myself. I definitely didn't have enough backbone left in me tonight to chance going back in there to check on him.

"I'm sure he's fine. If he doesn't come back in a couple more minutes, I'll go in after him," Edward responded.

Before I could even comment, I looked up and spotted Emmett walking towards us. I sort of wished I hadn't looked up at that point, though. There were no words to describe the cluster-fuck that was now approaching.

"Why is Emmett naked, and what on earth is he carrying?" Edward asked, looking a little bit confused and concerned. I, however, was trying desperately not to laugh at the spectacle in front of us.

I shrugged my shoulders, not really knowing what to say, and hopped out of the car to see what was going on. As I got closer to Emmett, I noticed he was carrying what looked like a little dog.

"Please tell me you have an explanation for the shit-show that I'm looking at here, Emmett," I called out as I ran towards him. The closer I got, the more detail of the situation I could make out. He was definitely butt-ass naked, carrying a dog, and appeared to be crying.

"What happened?" I asked once I was in front of him.

"I killed him, Bella! Oh, God! The poor little guy never even had a chance to experience life, and I had to go and fall out of the sky and crush his dreams!" Emmett sobbed uncontrollably.

Just then, Edward showed up at my side. He took in the situation in front of him and immediately took control.

"Calm down, Emmett," Edward spoke with authority. "Give me the dog." Emmett handed him over and immediately covered his duct tape and popsicle-stick-clad penis with cupped hands. I chuckled quietly to myself at the ridiculous splint he'd made, and then remembered that this was a sad situation that I shouldn't be laughing during. I watched as Edward carefully laid the dog on the ground and began examining him like I'd imagine a vet would. I wasn't sure why, though. The poor little thing certainly didn't look like it was alive still. Edward carefully placed two fingers on the left side of the dog's chest for a moment.

"He's not dead," Edward looked up at Emmett with a smile. Emmett's face lit up, and I saw one last lone tear slip from his eye. "I can feel his heartbeat. I think you just knocked him out. I don't feel any broken bones or anything, either," Edward declared, as he continued poking and prodding around its body. Just as he finished speaking, the dog's tail twitched, and a muffled-sounding groan emitted from its throat. We all fell silent, as we watched the little guy wiggle and whine a bit, before getting up on his feet. He turned and looked up at Emmett, his tongue dangling and tail wagging.

"Oh, Jackson, you're okay!" Emmett exclaimed, while reaching down and picking him up. He hugged him tightly to his chest and twirled him around like they were ballroom dancing or some shit. "I'll never let anything hurt you ever again, I promise," he chanted as he continued to twirl around with the little fuzzy black dog.

"Emmett, I hate to interrupt your happy little bonding dance time, but do you mind explaining to me what's going on? We sent you up to get clothes for us, and not only do you not have them, but you're sporting _your_ birthday suit now, too. Please explain, because I can't wait to hear this story," I interrupted, very intrigued by what he could possibly have to say for himself.

Emmett seemed a little put out by my interruption, shooting me a death glare momentarily. He looked away to compose himself, and then turned to me with a worried expression.

"They wouldn't let me out of your apartment, Bella. I had to jump out of the window, but my underwear got caught on a nail. I got a really bad wedgie, and I think my sphincter may need some medical attention now. I couldn't get down, so I took my pants off so that I could rip my boxers to get loose. My fart machine broke in the fall, I landed on poor little Jackson here and knocked him silly, and I couldn't get your clothes 'cause it stunk too bad in your room. What a waste!" Emmett ranted, sounding completely butt-hurt, pun intended, while affectionately snuggling with the little dog he had lovingly named Jackson McPuberson a few weeks, ago when he'd first seen him lurking around the dumpsters.

"Christ on a cracker, Emmett! Who cares about your damn fart machine! I'm standing out here without any clothes, and so are you!" I shouted, very annoyed that I was still mostly nude, and Emmett's inability to accomplish even the simplest of tasks made my head spin.

"Come on, Edward; let's go back to your hotel room. I'm sure you have something I can borrow for tonight." Edward nodded in agreement.

"What am I supposed to do?" Emmett asked. "I'm scared to be alone. I can't handle any more injuries below the belly button tonight. What if they follow me?"

"Take Jackson with you. Maybe they're afraid of dogs." I was sure that wasn't true, but Emmett was gullible enough that it might just do the trick. "And go find your pants."

"Alright then, I'll take J. McPubes here with me," Emmett relented. "I'll take care of you, if you'll take care of me, little guy," Emmett cooed at the little black ball of snatchy-looking hair in his arms.

Edward and I rode in silence back to his hotel room. We waited in the car for a moment, scoping out the area to make sure nobody would witness us "streaking" into the room. We were able to make it in there without incident.

It had been quite the eventful day to say the least. I'd managed to get attacked by a possessed Edward, made love to by an un-possessed Edward, and then attacked again by ghosts obsessed with Edward. The common denominator here was obvious, but I couldn't bring myself to stay away from him. Now that I'd had him, I didn't think I'd ever want to let him go.

I followed him into his hotel room and sat down on the edge of the bed, while he dug around in his overnight bag.

"Here, you can put this on," he said as he threw a large t-shirt at me. I chuckled to myself, as I read what it said. "_Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole_? I didn't know you liked Supernatural. Are you a Sam or Dean fan?" I asked excitedly. "I happen to be their biggest fan."

"I'm not really a Sam or Dean fan. I just like how they kill shit," Edward replied. He was such a guy.

I slipped the shirt on, while Edward pulled a pair of boxer briefs on. I noticed as he was pulling them up that we still had a little matter to attend to down there.

"Hey, Edward, I almost forgot, we still need to do a little man-scaping down south. You're still sporting a peen-hawk," I chuckled. "Why don't we take that shower that was so rudely interrupted earlier?"

"Are you sure? What if they followed us here, too?" Edward asked.

"Does it matter? Are you going to spend the rest of your life afraid of what _might_ happen?" I asked, but continued on before he could reply. "I say we don't let them ruin tonight. Whatever happens, happens. I personally can't wait to get a little more 'hands-on' if you know what I mean," I replied in a seductive voice.

A shy smile graced Edward's face, as I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the bathroom. He turned on the water, while I rifled through his toiletry bag on the counter. I found his razor and some shaving cream and put them on the edge of the tub. I pulled my shirt off and stepped in under the spray. Seconds later, I felt Edward slip in behind me, grab me around the waist and pull my back flush against him. I could feel his erection pinned firmly between my ass cheeks. I wiggled and ground into him a couple of times before turning around. Before I even had a chance to look up into his beautiful green eyes, his lips were swooping in to stake their claim. He was all over the place. He bit my collarbone and then left a trail of open-mouthed kisses up my neck, stopping behind my ear. His hands wandered down and cupped my ass, pulling me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist, as he pinned me against the cold shower tiles.

"You sure have grown a pair since the last time," I panted breathlessly, as he continued his assault on my body. I was surprised by his bold actions, since he had been so hesitant before.

"I wust can't stay away fwom oooh," Edward murmured incoherently, not willing to take my nipple out of his mouth in order to speak.

"Then don't," I said as I reached between us and grasped his baseball bat-sized wonder peen firmly in my hand. I pumped up and down the length of it a few times, as he moaned into my neck like a whore on payday. I remembered that we'd had a little trouble with sensitivity and stamina before, and thought we'd better cut the foreplay if Mamma was going to be getting hers again tonight. Without warning, I shifted my hips up. I slipped his head up and down the slickness between my meat curtains for a moment, before slamming down hard. He filled me to the brim in that one swift motion, taking him completely by surprise. The stream of profanities that came out of both of our mouths at that point could have made a sailor blush.

"Oh, for the love of huge cocks!" I screamed as he continued thrusting mercilessly. I braced my hands on his shoulders for leverage and gave just as good as I got, meeting his every upward thrust, with a downward gyration that had him grunting like a caveman and me purring like a kitten. I felt him hitting that sweet spot that apparently only he could hit. I think Jacob's thingy was too small to hit it, which was unfortunate, because it felt fucking phenomenal! Every time his head tickled its way through that spot, I felt an exponential rise in the tightening that eventually led to orgasmic bliss. Tickle, tingle, tickle, tingle. It built and built, until I couldn't even see straight anymore. I threw my head back and slammed it hard into the shower tiles behind me, as the intensity of it hit me full force. I cringed momentarily from the sting of hitting my head, but I quickly forgot about it, as I rode that wiener train straight into "O" town.

Edward began thrusting erratically as my orgasm took over, causing his own trip on the Bella-gasm express. A chorus of unintelligible words came out of his mouth, as he rocked into me a few more times. I clung to him, both of us breathing heavily and shaking slightly, as the water had gone cold.

"Come on. Let's get you out of the cold water, baby," Edward said as he pulled out of me and turned off the water. He gently wrapped a towel around my shoulders and rubbed up and down a few times to help me warm up. Nobody had ever called me baby before, and I couldn't even describe the little flutter my heart did when I heard the endearment from Edward's lips.

I stepped out of the shower and began to towel myself off, as did Edward. Seeing as we were both drying off our nude bodies, I noticed that we had, once again, forgotten to do what we had set out to do when we got into the shower. Edward still had a rather funky-looking pube cut that he had given himself earlier, and it needed fixed if I was going to be able to continue looking at it without laughing. And let's face it; no guy wanted a girl laughing at his dick...ever.

"Hey, Edward, we forgot to fix your little situation down there," I said as I pointed towards the fuckery that was his pubic region. "Would you mind if I did it?" I asked a little timidly, since I had never done that for another person before. Oddly enough, I wasn't even slightly grossed out about it. There was just something about Edward that made me so comfortable that I would be willing to do just about anything for him.

"Sure, I guess so." He didn't look too sure about it, though. I could definitely understand his hesitance. Letting a woman near your pecker with a sharp object would bring about Lorena Bobbitt visuals in the bravest of men.

"Do you trust me?" I asked with a wicked grin. I had formulated a plan with this leftover quaff of hair that I couldn't wait to execute.

"With my life," Edward replied with a smile that made my ovaries twitch in excitement.

I grabbed the razor and the shaving cream off the edge of the tub and quickly went to work. It was nice, since we had just finished our hot shower sex, and Edward wasn't sporting his usual stiff belly-tickler at the moment. It hung flaccidly towards the floor, while I did my thing. I was very careful not to touch it too long or too intimately, because if it were to wake up, I wouldn't be able to finish what I was doing. About ten minutes later, my masterpiece was done.

"What do you think?" I asked Edward as I stood up and leaned back a bit to admire my handy work.

"Seriously? You shaved a 'B' into my pubes?" Edward asked incredulously.

"You've been marked. Your penis belongs to me now, and anyone who sees it will know," I said with a smile, "Except nobody else better see that, unless you're in a locker room or something," I added quickly, realizing that I was more or less condoning the fact that it was okay for other people to be staring at his junk. Not okay.

"I think that's so fucking sexy," Edward whispered in my ear, as he pulled me in close to him. "How do I get to mark you? It's only fair, you know."

"I'm sure you'll think of something," I breathed out sexily, as he began molesting my neck with vigor. I felt him sucking a little harder than was typically acceptable in these situations, at the base of my neck.

"Are you giving me a hickey?" I asked rhetorically. I knew just what he was doing, I just couldn't believe it. I hadn't had one of those since I had been a junior in high school.

"I needed to mark you, and I'm not very creative...sorry," Edward said as he finished off his little love mark with a small kiss and a lick. "It's been a long day. What do you say we go to bed and you let me hold you for the rest of the night?" Edward suggested. Who was I to say no? That sounded fan-fucking-tastic to me.

I nodded in agreement, and we slipped under the sheets, our naked bodies instantly wrapped around one another, seeking as much skin contact as possible. I let out a contented sigh, as I went to sleep wrapped in Edward's arms. It had been an incredible rollercoaster ride of a day, but if they all ended like this, I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

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**A/N: Let me know what you guys think. I may have upset some people by "killing" the dog, but not to worry, he only got knocked out by Emmett's stinky ass.**


	16. Chapter 16 Eye Shots & Dessert

**I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. **

**This chapter is just another quick little lemon and some story setup for the séance. Things are going to get a little more intense from here on out, and I thought these two needed a little more fun in the sack, before the shit hits the fan so to speak. Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 16: Eye Shots and Dessert**

**EDWARD**

The sun was streaming in through the semi-closed curtains of the hotel room, as I sleepily wiped my eyes with my free hand. My other hand was conveniently trapped underneath a sleeping goddess, and it just so happened to be glued to her left breast at the moment. A huge smile took over my face, as I remembered the previous nights' activities. Had I really had sex with Bella…twice? I'd gone my whole life without it, then I'd gotten it twice in one night, and I couldn't imagine not doing it again every night for the rest of my life. Was this what the rest of the sex-having world had to go through on a daily basis? Shit, it was exhausting. Worth it, but exhausting.

I looked over at Bella, who had her angelic face nestled into the side of her pillow. Her hair looked like a bird's nest, and a soft melodic snore resonated throughout the room with every breath she took in. I'd never been a fan of snoring, but Bella's seemed to be more like a lullaby to my ears. _Holy shit! I've got it bad for this chick. I just compared her snoring to a lullaby!_ That must have been what they meant by pussy-whipped. Yes, Edward Cullen was now officially pussy-whipped, and I couldn't have been happier about it. Pussy wasn't a very flattering word, though. I think peach-whipped sounded a little less vulgar...except it kind of made it sound like a dessert. Yummy.

I decided that since my hand was already plastered nicely around her breast, that it wouldn't hurt to take a few indecent liberties while it was there. I gently squeezed a few times, feeling her silky skin pucker under my fingers. I felt her nipple instantly harden, stabbing the palm of my hand, as I continued kneading. After a moment, she stirred and looked up at me. She seemed a little confused at first glance, and I thought she might punch me. Then, the look on her face shifted suddenly to a mischievous grin.

"What a nice way to wake up," she cooed into my ear, as she pushed my shoulders back against the mattress and threw her leg over my side. She was now straddling the morning wood cabin that I had pitched under the sheet. Let's face it, calling it a tent was a bit of an understatement.

"It looks like you have a little bit of a situation that needs tended to," she said as she glanced down towards Cockzilla. "We could probably hold a three-ring circus under there," she giggle-snorted. It was adorable.

"What do you suppose we do about it?" I asked with a smirk.

"Who said anything about we?" Her gaze turned dark, as she stared up at me from under her lashes. "I think you've had to take care of this on your own for too long. You just lay back, and I'll make it all better," she purred, and I was done for. I laid my head back and closed my eyes, as I felt the sheet being pulled down, revealing my happiness at having woken up next to her.

"Just relax. You're like a Roman statue," she encouraged. I hadn't realized that my entire body had gone as stiff as my dick. I took a deep breath and tried to release the nervousness pulsing through me. I had no idea what she planned to do, but I knew what I was hoping she'd do.

"Sorry," I muttered in response. She giggled again and continued.

I felt her hands scratch down my body, following a path from my nipples to that sensitive area on either side of my dick. I squirmed a little and tried not to laugh, because that shit actually tickled pretty bad. Fortunately, she moved on, her hands leaving my body completely. I sighed at the loss, but was completely caught off guard, as I felt her tongue snake up my length, and then her hot little mouth clamped around me. I almost lost it, as she slid her mouth down further, and I could feel my tip hit that dangly, punching bag-looking thing in the back of her throat. I was concentrating really hard on what that damn thing was actually called. It was the only way to keep myself from being a two-pump chump. Lord only knew my stamina had been called into question more than once in the last twenty-four hours.

Up and down she went, sucking and licking with the fervor of a fat kid with a lollipop. Her little hand wrapped around the base of my dick, pumping in time with her mouth. I smiled smugly as I moaned, noticing her fingers didn't touch when wrapped around me. I only hoped she didn't get lockjaw. It didn't seem to faze her, though. She was sucking like a sump pump on a sinking ship. My eyes crossed, and I held on like hell, trying not to blow my load too quick. I went back to trying to think of the name of that damn dangly thing in order to distract myself. Areola? No, that was not it. Usurper? Fuck, that was not it, either. Bella began humming, as I hit the back of her throat, and I was about to lose it.

"Uvula!" I shouted, as I finally remembered what the damn thing was called, but I didn't realize how close I was to actually launching my salty nectar into Bella's mouth at that point. My loud revelation startled Bella. She looked up at me surprised, causing my dick to pop out of her mouth at the same time. It all happened so fast, I hardly had time to register the fact that just as it sprang free, I launched a hot stream of man juice straight into her face.

"Holy Shit! I'm blind!" she screamed as she scampered off of the bed and ran into the bathroom.

"I'm so sorry, Bella!" I groveled, as I followed after her into the bathroom. She had her face held over the sink and was frantically splashing water up into her eyes. I grabbed a clean towel and handed it to her, as she finished washing the epic disaster of my orgasm out of her eyes. She took it and dried off, while I stood there sweating bullets, thinking I'd finally blown it with this amazing woman. She was sure to run out of here screaming now.

"Uvula, Edward?" she asked, as she continued to dab the towel at her eyes. "Really? I've never heard of anything more random coming out while cumming," she snickered. That was a good sign. She didn't sound pissed at all. "I would've swallowed if you hadn't interrupted me, you know," she said as she swaggered out of the bathroom, tossing the towel back at my face. I stood there speechless for a minute, confounded by the woman who had completely turned my life upside down in the last seventy-two hours. If I hadn't been entirely sure before, I was now. I loved this woman.

"You're amazing," was all I could say, as I stared at her in awe.

Bella was looking through my bag for something to wear. She pulled out a t-shirt and my gray sweats to put on, and threw a pair of jeans and a button-down at me.

"You need to put those on. We have a lot to do today, and I can't think straight with your ankle spanker on display," Bella said pointing at my now-flaccid dick. I snorted at her colorful adjective and did as she asked.

"What do we have to do today?" I asked, not knowing what the day had in store. We'd had a pretty intense night, and I was kind of hoping to just veg all day.

"We have the séance tonight. I want to go do some research on the history of your house. You know...see if we can find anything helpful," she replied.

"You're the professional. I'll do what you say," I replied with a wink, "Although, I wouldn't mind having a little dessert before we leave."

_************ S.H.I.T. ************_

About an hour, and a very tasty peach-whipped dessert later, we finally left the hotel room. We were going to the library to do some research on my house. I wasn't really sure if it would be helpful in the least, but I got to hang out with Bella, so I wasn't complaining.

I sat quietly, staring at Bella, thinking of what I wanted to do to her later. She had awakened the sleeping beast within me, and I could stop thinking about all of the ways I wanted to make her scream in pleasure. While she was busy scrolling through endless pages of microfiche, I sat there scrolling through various mental images of her legs wrapped around my head. Yeah, I was such a dude now.

"Edward, are you going to help or sit there drooling at me all day?" Bella snapped, acknowledging that my ogling wasn't getting anything done.

"Sorry, I just can't keep my eyes off of you," I said sheepishly.

"That's awfully flattering, but you've already gotten into my pants. You don't have to lay it on so thick anymore," she replied with a grin. "Now get to work."

"You got it, boss lady." I turned back to the screen in front of me and tried pushing my sexual fantasies to the back of my brain long enough to get some research done. I scrolled through page after page of old newspaper clippings and deed registries, coming up with nothing. I didn't know what exactly she expected to find, anyways. As if answering my internal question, Bella nudged my arm to get my attention.

"I found something! Check this out, Edward."

I scooted my chair closer to her and looked at what she had up on her screen. I read the small text out loud. It was a newspaper article dated June 20, 1918, with a picture of my house above the caption.

**_Four People Dead After Jealous Rampage_**

_Early this morning, four bodies were found dead in an upscale Queen Anne neighborhood. Details are still unclear, but it appears to be a triple homicide/suicide. Three women, purported to work in the house, which was a known house of ill repute, were found shot alongside the house's proprietor. Sources say that there was a disagreement between the four that ended in a jealous rage, leaving all of them dead. Police are still interviewing neighbors for more details about the incident. No other suspects have been named as of this time. _

"I think we've found what we were looking for," Bella looked at me with shock on her face.

"What do we do now?"

"Now we look in the county records and find out who owned that house in 1918, and then we find out everything we can about them," she replied.

"What good will that do us?" I asked, feeling like a stupid tool for not knowing anything. I had absolutely no idea what good any of this information would do for us.

"The more we know about who we're dealing with going into the séance, the better. We'll know what questions to ask and maybe get an idea of why they're doing this to your family," she explained.

"That makes sense, I guess." I really could see her point. It just made this whole thing a little scarier; putting names to the stinky perverts residing in my house.

"Let's get to it then," I acquiesced, and that was just what we did. We sat there for the better part of the afternoon, gathering all of the information we could. To say I was surprised at our findings would have been an understatement. We were loaded with ammo going into tonight's séance. That still didn't make me feel any better about things, though. I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that tonight was not going to go well. We were dealing with one smelly, mean-ass, jealous motherfucker, and I was scared to death of what tonight had in store for us.

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Next up is the séance. It should be pretty interesting...


	17. Chapter 17 Car Sex & Cookies

**I do not own Twilight or any other books or movies I may use quotes from. I'm just not original enough to come up with my own.**

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**Chapter 17: Car Sex and Cookies**

**BELLA**

I was loaded to the hilt with information going into tonight's séance. From the research Edward and I had done today, I felt confident we could get some answers and hopefully come up with a solution for Edward's family to live in that house in peace. I was definitely surprised to have found anything at all, especially with all the Edward pheromones I had wafting up my nose all day, turning my brain to mush and making my hoo-ha twitch in excitement. For someone with absolutely no sexual experience, he'd sure figured out fast how to make my body sing. Needless to say, it had been really hard to concentrate on our task at hand with all of the horniness surrounding us both. I wondered if Alice's plan might have backfired, and our being intimate had only _fueled_ the fire of our sexual tension instead of putting it out. I guess we'd find out tonight.

After leaving the library, Edward and I headed straight over to Jasper and Alice's house. We intended to share the information we had gathered on the previous tenants, who were now wreaking havoc on all of us. We pulled up in front of their house and parked the car, but neither Edward nor I made a move to get out.

"You ready to do this?" I asked, not really wanting to go through with all of this crap tonight, but not really having a choice in the matter. He must have been pretty nervous about it, too, if he didn't even want to get out of the car to go into Alice's house.

"Huh?" Edward replied, obviously not having listened to a word I'd said and was off in la-la land.

"Are you ready to go in? I'm sure Alice will be glad to hear everything we've found out today," I repeated myself, which I absolutely hated repeating myself, so he'd better feel appreciated.

"Oh. Yeah, sure," Edward replied, his negative tone contradicting his positive answer.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" I was really starting to get a little concerned. He looked like a zombie or something, just staring off into space. He had been fine all day, giddy in fact, and now something seemed off.

"If you really must know..." Edward hesitated for a moment, "I'm mortified right now. I have no idea what's going to happen tonight. I have no idea if something bad is going to happen to you, and possibly even by my hand. I'm scared to death right now, because I know for an absolute fact that if anything happened to you, I wouldn't be able to go on. I can't be in a world where you don't exist." I sat in quiet shock, as he finished his rant. I had no idea how strong our bond had become, and so fast. I knew my feelings mirrored his, but hearing his concerns voiced made everything hit home, and I suddenly had a very unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"We'll get through it, and everything is going to be fine. You'll see." I didn't know when my negative ass had turned into the eternal optimist, but somebody had to get rid of the Debbie-downer, emo mood happening in the car.

"I hope your right," he half-whispered as he got out of the car.

_***************** S.H.I.T. ********************_

To say Alice was pleased with the information we had gathered would have been an understatement. She reminded me of one of those twitchy, nervous Chihuahuas that would piss all over the place because they were so excited that you'd pet them. Girl really needed to cut out the caffeine if you asked me.

"This is fantastic, Bella!" Alice screeched, bouncing up and down like a pixie on crack.

"You and Edward need to go and get ready for tonight. I want you both to meditate and try and clear your minds of all negative thoughts and feelings. The less bad energy they have to feed off of, the easier it's going to be," she rambled at a million miles a second, as she pushed us out the door. "Now go do what you need to do, and I'll see you at the house in two hours. I have some baking to do."

What were we supposed to do for the next two hours? Hmmm, we were supposed to clear our minds of all things negative according to Alice. I think I had a pretty good idea of what to do.

"Hey, Edward…what's your stance on hot sweaty car sex? Pro or con?" I asked with a devilish smirk, as we both lowered ourselves into the Volvo.

"Definitely pro," he replied confidently while winking at me. It seemed that with that one little suggestion, Edward's bad mood just melted away. I think my panties might have just melted away, too.

_***************** S.H.I.T. ********************_

Two hours later, we pulled up in front of Edward's house. Were our heads clear? I didn't know about that, but it wasn't from a lack of trying. I was currently sporting an imprint of the stick shifter in the middle of my forehead and a rather large stain on my shoulder that looked like a bird had pooped on me. Note to self: car sex was not the time to experiment with new positions. But that was a story for another day.

I noticed Emmett's Jeep outside, as well as Alice and Jasper's car. It looked like we were the last to arrive. It was time to face the firing squad, so to speak. Except instead of a bunch of sweaty gun-toting thugs, we were dealing with horny ghosts with violent jealousy issues. Should be interesting.

We walked into the house, and all of the hair on my body instantly stood on end. A shiver ran up my spine, and an overall feeling of creepiness engulfed me. I turned to look at Edward, and he had a look on his face that told me he felt it, too. The look was sort of a cross between "someone just kicked my puppy" and "I may be blowing chunks in the very near future." Not a pleasant face at all.

We continued on into the dining room, where everyone was waiting for us. Alice had everything set up already. There was a black cloth covering the round dining room table, with a circle of white candles placed in the center. The lights were dim, but I could see the fear reflected in everyone's eyes flickering along with the flames. It was such a somber mood in the room, thick with tension and fear of what was unknown. Nobody knew how the evening would end, good or bad, just that we were about to stir the pot and either put an end to all of this madness or open a metaphorical Pandora's Box. One thing was for sure, though; we all needed to relax a little, or else tonight was going to be a disaster. Alice glanced over at me and gave me a little wink, letting me know she was on the same page. She might have been crazy, but she was one of the most intuitive people I knew.

Edward and I sat down next to each other at the table. Emmett was on my right, and Rosalie sat to the left of Edward. Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, and Alice rounded out the other side of the table.

"I think before we get started, everyone should take a minute to relax a little," Alice suggested with a hint of mischief in her voice. "I made some cookies and was hoping maybe some cookies and coffee might make everyone feel a little more at ease." She stood and grabbed a large plate with a huge mound of cookies on it from the large curio behind her. She set it on the table and gestured for everyone to help themselves, while she poured everyone a cup of coffee. Everyone took a cookie somewhat reluctantly and started eating. After a few minutes, most of us were reaching for a third or fourth helping and devouring each cookie faster than the one before.

"Veees ah fuggin amaving!" Emmett tried to compliment Alice's cookies, while simultaneously shoveling two at a time into his mouth.

"Don't be such a pig, Emmett. Keep your mouth closed while you're eating," I tried to scold him, but couldn't keep a straight face, as I watched cookie crumbs falling out of his overstuffed pie hole.

"Sowwee, Bewwah," Emmett attempted to apologize, which just made me burst out into a fit of giggles. I was surprised to find the rest of the table giggling right along with me. Alice's cookies must have done the trick, because the mood in the room was much lighter now. Everyone seemed to be relaxed and laughing. I could feel the tension rolling out of my body in waves. I felt light and uninhibited all of a sudden, like nothing in the world could bring me down.

"I love you guys!" I blurted out of nowhere. I instantly clamped my hand over my mouth. What the fuck was that? I'd just declared my love to a room full of virtual strangers. Maybe my confession of love for Edward had turned me into some sort of a lovesick jackass? Hell if I knew. I just hoped nobody heard me just now, or at least didn't call me out on it.

"I love you, too!" Esme shocked me with her response. "I'm so happy I met you and Emmett's moobs! Heaven knows what would've happened otherwise," she confessed with a genuine smile. Her eyes were a little glassy now that I looked a little closer. I wondered if she had been hitting up the vodka again before we'd gotten here.

"I love Bella's boobies!" Edward commented, joining in on the love-fest.

"Duuuuude," Jasper drawled while giving Edward the universal "guy nod."

Rosalie just sat there giggling at everyone's comments with bright pink cheeks, while Emmett was too busy shoveling cookies into his mouth to acknowledge anything that was going on around him.

"I want some nachos!" Carlisle chimed in from out of nowhere. That was so random. We were about to perform a séance, his wife and I had just confessed our love for each other, his son had confessed his love for my boobies, and he wanted nachos?

…And cue light bulb above my head turning on.

"Alice, you didn't!" I yelled.

"Didn't what?" Alice looked like the cat that ate the canary.

"What did you put in the cookies?" I demanded.

"I made them with love, and everyone is feeling the love I put into them right now," she gestured to everyone around the table.

"Would 'love' happen to be spelled with an 'M' an 'H' or a 'C' per chance?" I questioned, and heard an audible gasp from everyone at the table at my implication.

"It did the trick, didn't it?" she argued, trying to justify her actions with a shrug of her shoulders and another wink in my direction.

I thought for a second about a comeback, but I had nothing. She was right. Everyone had been tense and high-strung, and now everyone was just...high.

"Are you saying that we're eating hash cookies?" Esme whispered to Alice so loud that everyone heard.

"Yes, Esme, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but everyone here had a stick up their asses the second they walked into this house. There's no way this séance could happen without it. I need you all to be relaxed with clear heads, and that wasn't going to happen without a little chemical interference, if you know what I mean," Alice explained. Bitch had a point, too. I had been wound so tight when I'd walked in the door that I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt. Now, I didn't have a care in the world. The only thing weighing me down at the moment was my insatiable need for a peanut butter and spaghetti sandwich. Don't ask why, but it sounded really freaking good to me right now.

"Bella's boobies fit just right in my hands," Edward chimed in again. He was caressing his own boobs to help get his point across. Even stoned, my face flushed in embarrassment at his announcement. His parents were sitting directly across from us after all.

"That's wonderful, Edward!" Esme replied with a little more gusto than what was required for his comment. "I was starting to think you were gay," she confessed.

"Mom!" Edward shouted.

"Homoward," Emmett cough-spoke into his hands loudly. "I _thought_ I caught you checking out my package in the parking lot last night."

"Shut up, Emmett. If I was checking your package out, it was because I wasn't sure if you even had a dick under all that duct tape and popsicle sticks," Edward defended.

"Enough!" I shouted. "Everyone here is higher than a kite right now. Before we go getting ourselves all uptight again, let's get this séance underway, shall we?"

"Bella, what's that on your shoulder, dear?" Esme asked. What was it with the random comments coming out of nowhere tonight? Sheesh.

I looked over at my shoulder, seeing the remnants of the love stain Edward had left there earlier. I hadn't been able to get it completely cleaned off in the car, and I had totally forgotten about it until just now.

"Oh...I, uh...a bird pooped on me," I stammered out.

Before I even had a second to feel embarrassed, Edward decided to add his two cents in...again.

"Ha! That is soooo not what happened. She zigged when I zagged, and I blew my l-"

"Edward!" I interrupted before he could further my embarrassment. Stoned Edward was definitely a handful. He didn't know when to shut his damn mouth. Fortunately, Esme just gave me a knowing smile and let it drop. I think she was just relieved that her son was not gay.

After a while, the strangeness of getting unknowingly stoned wore off. We all decided that we needed to chill out a little more, before we started the séance. Everyone just sat back and relaxed, enjoying each other's company. I found out a lot more about the Cullen's and what a wonderful family they were. It was easy to forget the reason we were all sitting around that table. We all seemed so comfortable together, like we'd been friends for years instead of days. Of course, Murphy's Law being the prevailing law in the land of Bella, nothing could ever stay that good.

"Ppppffffftttttt!" a loud farting noise echoed through the dining room. Everyone stopped talking and looked over at me like I was the one who had done it.

"What? That wasn't me," I defended myself. The noise did come from my direction, though. I looked over at Emmett, and the stoic look on his face didn't let on that it was him, either.

I brushed it off and attempted to continue our conversation. A minute later it happened again. "Bbbbrrrruuuuummmpp!"

Everyone instantly looked over at me again. I was so embarrassed, that even though it wasn't me, I couldn't muster the words to defend myself. I glanced over my shoulder at Edward, and he was laughing so hard he could hardly breathe. I looked passed him to Rosalie, who chose that moment to belch rather loudly.

"What? I didn't want you to feel like the only unladylike one in the room." I sincerely appreciated Rosalie's attempt at making me feel better, but unfortunately, I HAD NOT FARTED!

I was getting rather annoyed at the fact that everyone in the room thought I was okay with just busting ass like nobody's business in the middle of a conversation. Give me a little credit here, people. Then I realized that everyone was laughing except...

"Emmett, was that you?" I asked over my shoulder. He just nodded his head while lifting his shirt up high enough to reveal his invention strapped around his waist.

"Did you get your 'Erection Protection 3000' working?" I asked, suddenly remembering that the fart machine was the alert system for a ghostly presence.

He didn't answer me. Instead, he drawled out in a horrible impression of Carol Ann from _Poltergeist_.

"They're here."

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**A/N: More séance to come...What did you guys think of Stonedward?**


	18. Chapter 18 Nachos & Boobies

**As usual, I do not own Twilight. I'm just perving out with her characters a little. Who could blame me?**

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**Chapter 18: Nachos and Boobies**

**BELLA**

I couldn't believe how weird tonight had gotten to be. The reason for our being here was odd enough to begin with, let alone adding to the insanity by being stoned out of our minds while we were at it. We were dealing with some pretty nasty spirits here, and I was sitting at a table, listening to one loud obnoxious fart after another, while everyone looked at me like I was some sort of disgusting pig. I'd admit it did sound a bit like a fat guy after having three bean burritos and a colonoscopy. Pretty gross.

Edward couldn't seem to stop giggling about my boobies, and Esme sat over there looking like Martha Stewart would after sitting down for tea and scones with Borat and Al Bundy as her guests. This séance was going to be a disaster. I could feel it in my bones. Damn Alice and her cookies. The reality of it all was killing my buzz really fast.

I realized quickly, as the disgusted looks kept coming my way, that I'd better enlighten the Cullen's about Emmett's invention before they threw us out.

"It's a fart machine!" I blurted loudly. "Emmett has it hooked up to an EMF detector. The fact that we're hearing it now means we're not alone."

I wasn't surprised by the look of shock and awe on the faces around me. It was getting increasingly harder to concentrate, though. I mean, who could keep a straight face with the booming sound of an ass symphony playing in the background?

"Emmett, can you shut that thing off, please? We know they're here, we don't need the constant distraction of flatulence _on top_ of everything else," I asked annoyed, while jabbing my elbow into his ribs.

"Ha-ha, I like you to be _on top_. Then your boobies bounce in my face," Edward chimed in, hearing only what he wanted to out of my statement, obviously. Then more giggling ensued...of course.

"I like cheese to be _on top_ of my nachos," Carlisle added, while high-fiving Edward across the table. Like father like son I guess. Currently, they both had one-track minds…Edward and boobies, Carlisle and nachos. Go figure.

"I like to go _without_ my _top_," Rosalie threw in there for good measure, causing Emmett to choke on his own spit, while inadvertently launching a green meteorite out of his nose in the process. It flew across the table, hitting Esme right between the eyes.

"I'm about to blow my _top_! I think this is getting a little out of control. Can we please get this started soon? I think I'm going to be sick," Esme said in disgust, as she wiped the offending booger off of her face.

"Ha-ha. She said _blow_," Edward added out of nowhere. Note to self: Edward and pot equals immature and horny. Who knew?

"Yes, let's get started," Alice said with confidence. She seemed to be the only one unaffected by the special cookies. That moo-moo-wearing bitch must have built up a tolerance over the years. Freaking hippy. "Everyone hold hands and close your eyes, while I try to make contact."

We all closed our eyes and attempted to concentrate, as Alice began the séance. I was having an incredibly hard time concentrating with Edward holding my hand, though. He kept trying to bring it down to his lap to feel his erection, while continuing to giggle quietly to himself.

"Edward, knock it off. It's time to be serious," I whispered at him, trying to reclaim his attention to the séance, instead of boobies and boners. This was proving _harder_ than I'd imagined, pun intended, as Edward succeeded in placing my hand over his sufficiently stiffened family jewels. Son of a...now I was horny, hungry and completely annoyed all at the same time. Where was Esme's bottle of Vodka again?

"Spirits of the past moving amongst us, be guided by the light of this world and visit upon us," Alice spoke with such a calm confidence that I actually got goose bumps listening to her. "Everybody, repeat this with me," she added. We all nodded and continued chanting along with her. Fear and trepidation crept up my spine, as I could feel the darkness descending upon the room. The candles flickered erratically, as we all continued chanting in unison.

"Please, tell us why you're here. Why have you not moved on? Why cause harm to this family?" Alice questioned, while we all continued chanting. A gust of cold air blew across the table towards me, causing every bit of flesh on my body to erupt in goose bumps. I felt Emmett's hold on my hand tighten to the point of pain. I glanced over my shoulder to look at his face. I wasn't prepared for what I saw.

"Emmett! Are you okay?" I shouted. His eyes were rolled up into the back of his head, and his mouth was gaping open, as his body twitched in a crazy epileptic-like fit.

"Alice, what's happening? What's wrong with him?" I stood up and began shaking his shoulders, trying to get him to snap out of whatever funk he'd fallen into.

"I don't know, Bella. Get back, though, just in case." Alice rushed around the table and grabbed me by the shoulders, pulling me back behind Edward. She slapped Emmett across the face really hard, trying to snap him out of it. His body instantly went limp. The silence in the room was palpable, as we waited for him to move. With an almost creepy slowness, his head rose. His eyes were still rolled up into the back of his head and were open. The bloodshot veins that laced the whites made him look like something out of a horror movie.

"Geet avay from me, you shtoopid leetle voman," the words came out of Emmett's mouth, but it wasn't Emmett's voice. He sounded like a Russian chick, and a bitchy one at that. Alice stepped back quickly, not wanting to aggravate the situation further.

"Who are you?" Alice asked in a commanding tone.

"I am Tanya, but dat ees not eemportant. You people need to leave dis place, or he vill do to you vut he deed to us," Emmett spoke, still sounding very feminine. His words sent a chill through me. I knew what he was talking about.

"Why are you letting him do this to you, even after death?" I asked before Alice could speak again.

"Vee are trapped here vith him. Vee can't leave. But you can." Emmett stood and walked over to Edward. He cupped his face with his enormous hands, gently stroking his cheekbones with his thumbs. Edward looked like he was about to puke. All signs of his previous boy-like giggling were gone like a fart in the wind.

"I vill be very sad to see _you_ go, though, my sveet," Emmett whispered in Edward's ear, while still intimately caressing his face. "Perhaps von last romp before you go?" Emmett's hand trailed down Edward's body, coming to rest on top of his manhood, giving it a little squeeze. That was all she wrote for Edward. He jumped back about ten feet in an instant, turned around, ran to the front door, and proceeded to empty his stomach off the side of the porch.

I turned to face Emmett, who was standing there with a rather smug look on his face.

"I think it's you who'll be leaving, not us," I responded. "I know what he did in this house, and continues to do. It's going to stop." I was getting pissed. If this body-stealing snatch of a ghost thought she could just fondle my man's goods and tell his family to leave their house, then she has got another thing coming.

"You've been vorned. Shtay heere at your own risk," Emmett/Tanya uttered, before collapsing to the floor.

The Cullen's all sat at the table in stunned silence, as Alice and I ran over to help Emmett, who was only semi-conscious on the floor.

"What on earth just happened?" Esme asked, as she came over to us. "What happened in this house that you're not telling me, Bella?"

"I'll explain everything. Let's just make sure Emmett is okay first." I wasn't comfortable having to explain the graphic past of this house to such a sweet lady, but it was inevitable.

"Emmett, are you alright?" I grabbed his face and forced his eyes open with my thumbs, trying to get him to look at me. He groaned and shook his head a couple of times before speaking.

"What happened, Bella? One minute I was sitting next to you, and now I'm on the floor." Emmett looked completely confused, and obviously didn't remember anything that had just transpired.

"Chill-ax, dude, you just had a chick inside you. Pretty freaking cool if you ask me," Jasper replied, sounding like a completely stoned surfer dude. I was wondering when he was going to join the party.

"Em, you were possessed. Don't freak or anything. Nothing happened to your junk this time, only Edward's," I explained calmly.

"What happened to Edward's junk?" Emmett asked.

"Oh...well...um...you might have fondled it a little." I guess I hadn't thought that comment through before I'd made it. Emmett was about as homophobic as they came.

"No fucking way!" Emmett shot straight up and ran outside to join Edward on the porch and launched his cookies, too...literally.

"Alright, young lady...explain," Esme demanded. No time like the present I guess.

"Edward and I did a little research on this house today. We found out quite a bit, actually." Edward and Emmett were wandering back in at this point, so I waited for them to sit back down at the table along with everyone else before continuing.

"The owner of this house, back in 1918, was a man by the name of James Hunter. He and three other women died in this house that year. It was officially ruled as a murder/suicide, and the case was closed. The three women were sisters, Tanya, Kate and Irina Belanova. James brought them over here from Russia to work as prostitutes, using this house as a brothel. We couldn't really find anything else on what their disagreement was about and why James killed them and then himself, but we did find something a bit odd.

"A woman by the name of Victoria Bennett was listed as the sole beneficiary of James' estate, but they weren't related or married or anything. Then we started digging up information on Victoria and found some pretty weird shit. She had insisted that the bodies be buried on this property for some reason. She lived in the house by herself after she'd inherited it and was sort of famous in the community as a self-proclaimed witch. She would hold séances and do some ritualistic chicken killing crap or whatever it is that witches do.

"Apparently, back then, behavior like that was frowned upon. She was institutionalized about a year later. She was diagnosed as a paranoid-schizophrenic, since they didn't know what else to call weirdness like that back then. She was only in the mental hospital for a few months, before she killed herself. After that, the house went to the state. There have been a lot of different owners since then, but no one ever stayed in this house for more than a year. It was left vacant for over ten years, before your family bought it."

"So what does all of that mean to us? Why did you say you knew what James was doing to them earlier?" Esme asked.

"Don't you see? He ran a whorehouse out of here, and he's still doing it. You and your family are clients that refuse to leave, and it's probably pissing him off or something. I don't really know for sure," I explained. I really didn't know what was happening in this house, or why, but it made sense on some level after finding out about James and his Russian harem.

"The thing that's not sitting right with me is this Victoria chick. I have a feeling she may have had something to do with all of it. The details of what happened in this house aren't things I can find in public records, though." I wasn't sure where exactly to go from here with what we knew, but I felt like we were a step closer to getting some answers.

"Alice, what's your feeling on this?" I asked. She had to have had more of a clue than anyone else about what was happening here.

"It's all making more sense now, Bella. I'm always hit with an overwhelming feeling of lust and rage when I come into this house. There's a lot of negative energy here, but the sexual energy is off the charts. You, my dear Bella, seem to exacerbate this energy for some reason. I believe our Mr. Hunter may have a bit of a demonic stiffy for you, and it has something to do with Victoria, but I haven't been able to make that connection just yet," Alice explained. Her gift was kind of hit and miss. If the spirits were unwilling to communicate directly to her, she relied on the feelings she got. In most cases, they spoke volumes, though.

"So what do we do next?" Esme asked. She had such a desperate look on her face, I wanted to be able to give her a good answer, but I had nothing.

"I'm not sure, Esme. More research I guess. I'd like to find out more on Victoria. Maybe find some old neighbors that have been around for a while that we can question," I responded, but not with confidence. How did one find out intimate information about people that lived nearly one hundred years ago? We'd tried the séance bit, but didn't get a whole lot out of it. What next? No freaking clue.

"If it helps at all, I found this under the floorboards when we were restoring my bedroom. I couldn't understand it, but it looks old." Rosalie got up and pulled an old leather journal out of the curio behind her and handed it to me.

"Uh...yeah, I think this will help. Why didn't you show this to me before?" I asked as I flipped through the pages of what appeared to be a personal journal of one of our three Russian sluts. The only problem was that it was written in Russian and who in the hell spoke Russian, unless they were Russian?

"Sorry, I actually forgot about it until just now," Rosalie replied with a shrug of her shoulders.

"Well, it looks like I need to go find a translator, and I think we'll finally have some answers," I smiled, having a new sense of direction.

"I think everyone should stay at the hotel again tonight, just in case. Tomorrow, I'll go see a professor in the foreign language department and see if they can translate this nonsense," I suggested, and everyone agreed.

"Why don't you go take Carlisle out for some nachos, Esme," I smiled and winked at her, thinking I was pretty damn funny.

"As long as you take Edward out for some boobies," Esme winked back.

Well, shit, I left myself wide open for that one. Who was I to say no, though? If Edward wanted boobies, then boobies he shall have. I know, I was so selfless...

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**Let me know what you think! Reviews are like sex, I want as much as I can get, but when denied, I turn into a cranky bitch. Help me out, people!**


	19. Chapter 19 Cheesburgers & Buicks

**Chapter 19: Cheeseburgers and Buicks**

**BELLA**

After about eight hours, and a very big favor owed to the University's Russian professor, we had a dictated tape of Miss Tanya Belanova's personal memoirs. She had definitely been an interesting woman, and she shed a lot of light on what had gone on in that house. There were still a lot of holes that needed to be filled in, but the picture was becoming a lot clearer now.

Edward stayed with me the whole day, never once leaving my side, as we sat and listened to the professor translate Tanya's diary. I couldn't believe the daily drama that had gone on in that house, and had continued to go on, more than a hundred years later.

"It's been a long day. Let's get out of here and relax for a while, before we fill your family in on what we found out. I'm exhausted," I suggested to Edward after the professor had finished.

I wasn't exactly exhausted, I was just really anxious to get back to the hotel and get a little _more_ exhausted if you know what I mean. Edward had turned me into an addict. All I could think about all day was Edward's pretty peen and what it could do to me. I didn't think I'd ever be able walk normally again if this kept up, though.

After the séance, Edward's need to prove his manliness from having Emmett/Tanya grab his junk was great, so we went back to the hotel, where he showed me exactly how manly he was. We shagged until the sun came up. My sweet little novice in the sack was now a full-fledged sex machine, with a libido as insatiable as my own. Quite the pair we were.

"Sounds like a good idea to me," Edward replied. "Maybe we could try out that sweaty car sex again on the way back."

"I don't need any more dents in my forehead or stains on my shirt, thank you very much," I laughed and punched his shoulder lightly.

"I'll make sure to turn the emergency brake on this time," Edward promised, sticking his bottom lip out like a pouting little boy.

Our last attempt at car sex had been a shit-show to say the least. Edward had had me bent over the center console and was taking me from behind. It was pretty nice until he got a little over-zealous when he came. He zigged a little for a better angle while I zagged, which caused him to slip out at the last minute. He then proceeded to unload his man juice all over my shirt and my face.

Of course this made me flinch, which sent my forehead right into the stick shifter. That knocked the car out of gear, which sent it rolling backwards out of our parking spot. The most unfortunate part of this whole thing was that we had decided to park in a church parking lot, thinking it would be safer for us with our paranormal stalkers lurking around.

We had found an out-of-the-way spot behind a tree, so nobody would see what we were doing of course, but that was all for not. We rolled backwards slowly out of our hidden spot and gently tapped into a bus full of little kids on their way to camp. The jolt from hitting the bus plastered Edward's bare ass right against the rear window. Those poor little kids got a traumatizing view of Edward's full moon, brown eye and all. We didn't stick around long enough to see the look on their faces, but I did hear one of the kids shout, "Crack kills!" at us. Without a doubt, that was one of the most humiliating moments of my life, and Edward wanted to try it again. I was going with a big fat NO on that one.

"I don't think I'm up for another round of humiliation just yet. Let's just get back to the hotel and do it like normal people," I suggested.

"That's fine. I wouldn't want to traumatize any more young churchgoers, anyways," Edward relented.

We headed back to the hotel, excited for another night of uninterrupted fun. I was glad that we hadn't had any encounters with our psycho-stalking spirits at the hotel yet. It seemed to be a neutral zone for us. Of course, uninterrupted fun wasn't on the agenda. Within five minutes of being in the hotel room, we had a visit from Esme, asking what we had found out. We told her a little, but thought we'd save our breath and wait for everyone before we played the tape. Then, the second Esme left, Emmett showed up with Rosalie. Apparently, they had hit it off and had spent the last couple of nights together as well. If nothing else came out of this investigation, we had at least met some very special people.

"So tell me what you know, Jelly Belly," Emmett asked while not-so-discreetly copping a feel of Rosalie's ass.

"I'm not going to repeat myself fifty times giving everyone the low-down individually, Emmett. We're all meeting at the Denny's across the street in two hours, and I'll tell everyone at the same time. Also, may I suggest that you don't try that grab-ass stuff in front of her parents? They've been through enough sexual trauma for one weekend," I recommended.

"Whatever, Bella, but I'd rather be an ass-grabber than an ass-jabber, so I'll take my chances with the parental units. Don't worry so much. I can control myself when I need to," Emmett called over his shoulder, as he and Rosalie left the room.

Emmett truly did worry me sometimes. It could be quite frightening taking him out in public. You never knew what was going to come out of his mouth at any given time. Once, I took him to The Olive Garden for dinner as a nice gesture for all of the help he had been giving me. Long story short, he told our waitress what a nice rack she had, and that he could probably park a Buick in her cleavage. Now, had he done this with any tact, we'd have probably been okay. Tact was not in Emmett's vocabulary, though. He followed up his comment by making car noises and doing a demonstration with his hands on an invisible steering wheel just _how_ he would park that Buick. Once he was done with that, he began making suckling noises with his mouth like a breast-fed baby would make. That was apparently too much for our poor waitress. After she was done smacking him across the face, her manager politely asked us to leave and never come back. This trip to Denny's was going to be my first restaurant adventure with him since that day. I hoped he behaved.

"I've finally got you to myself," Edward whispered into my ear, pulling me from my thoughts, as he gently pushed me backwards onto the bed.

"Yes, I'm all yours. Whatever are you going to do with me?" I asked innocently, while batting my eyelashes.

"Let me show you," Edward replied, as he began doing all sorts of tingly things to my body. I should probably just get used to walking bow-legged I guess.

_************* S.H.I.T. **************_

Two hours later, we were somewhat sexually sated, showered, dressed, and heading over to the restaurant to meet up with the others.

I felt like we were really making some progress with this investigation now. There were so many pieces to this puzzle, and only a few of them were still missing. With the help of the others, I was confident we'd be able to bring some closure to this situation soon.

Edward and I walked into the Denny's and spotted the rest of our crew awaiting our arrival. The whole gang was there, even Alice and Jasper. We sat down and exchanged pleasantries, but the underlying tension around the table was palpable. Everyone was on edge. We all wanted this to be over, no one more so than me.

"Edward and I found out a lot more details today about what went on in your house," I spoke, looking directly at Esme. She looked so worried and helpless that I couldn't shake the overwhelming feeling I had to just go and hug her and tell her everything would be okay.

"It seems as though Victoria hadn't been well-liked by Tanya. In her journal, she wrote about how James was madly in love with Victoria, but she kept refusing his proposals of marriage," I explained.

"Victoria told him that she didn't believe in marriage and that they could be together without that stupid piece of paper binding her to him legally. Not willing to be without her, James settled for that type of arrangement," I continued.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Esme questioned.

"Well, it seems as though Victoria's reluctance to get married had more to do with the fact that she was madly in love with Irina Belanova, not James. Society back then frowned heavily on that type of thing. Carpet munching was not on the menu, so to speak." I stopped speaking briefly, realizing my professionalism was slipping once again. I looked at Esme again to make sure I hadn't offended her with my colorful colloquialisms. She seemed okay with it, so I continued with the story.

"Victoria kept James wrapped around her finger, but he was around for appearances only in her eyes. She couldn't openly be with Irina, so she was with James in order to be closer to Irina, too. Tanya hated Victoria and wasn't very fond of James, either, so she kept a very close eye on the creepy little love triangle happening in the house. She had seen Irina and Victoria together many times, but always kept it to herself." I stopped to catch my breath, before going on to the really interesting part of this cluster-fuck of three-ways.

"Well, as it turns out, it wasn't really even a love triangle going on. It was more like a square or a pentagon or something." Who knew? I thought to myself before continuing. I suppose the shape didn't really matter. It all boiled down to this being one crap-tasticle situation that had obviously ended very badly.

"Tanya wrote about her other sister, Kate, coming to her and telling her how she was in love with James, and that she had told him as much. James told her he didn't return her feelings, but that didn't stop him from pursuing sexual relations with her, anyways. I guess that sort of thing must happen frequently in whorehouses, but that's neither here nor there," I continued.

"Apparently, Kate overheard Irina and Victoria plotting a way to kill James. Kate was torn over what to do, since she was in love with James, but she also loved her sister, and Tanya, being the doting big sister that she was, told Kate that she would take care of it." I took a big dramatic breath before continuing on to the next part. I was going to need it.

Before I could continue, Emmett interjected. "Dude, this shit would've been like a number-one-rated reality show nowadays. Badass."

"Thank you for your two cents, Emmett. May I continue now?" I asked annoyed.

"Sorry, go ahead, your highness," Emmett rolled his eyes and shut up so I could continue.

"Tanya went to Irina to ask her what was going on. Irina said she had no idea what she was talking about and denied any involvement with Victoria or in the plotting of James' demise. Knowing she was being lied to, Tanya went to James and asked him if they had paid their debt to him yet for getting them out of Russia. She figured the best way to remedy the situation was by leaving it. She wanted to take her sisters out of there and start over," I explained.

"James came unglued on her for even asking. He told her that he owned her and her sisters, and the only way they would get out of that house was in pine boxes. After that confrontation, Tanya was onboard with Victoria and Irina's plan to have James killed. Tanya was torn, though. She knew that her little sister was in love with James, and that killing him would be unforgivable in her eyes. She wanted Kate to see what kind of man he really was. The last entry in Tanya's journal told of a plan she had come up with to show her sister what kind of man James really was, and get Victoria out of their lives while she was at it." I stopped speaking, as the waitress had come over to take our orders.

"I'll have a rooty-tooty-fresh-and-fruity!" Emmett shouted at the poor waitress.

"Emmett, that's at IHOP. We're at Denny's, you idiot," I snarled at his idiocy.

"I'll just have a cheeseburger then, nothing better than a hot, juicy piece of beef between two buns if you ask me." Emmett's order caught the waitress off guard, which caused her to choke on some spit, which made her cough, which led to an unintentional fart in the vicinity of poor Esme's face. Why was it that the sweet, prim and proper one of the bunch was the one person who got boogers and farts hurled at her? Life just wasn't fair I tell you.

Esme handled the situation with grace, as she did with everything. She politely excused herself to the ladies room and came back when the noxious gas cloud had cleared.

Once we'd all placed our orders with the very red-faced waitress, I continued with the story of our Russian love pentagon.

"Tanya didn't really explain her plan in her journal, but I think whatever she had planned led to all of their deaths in one way or another," I concluded.

I couldn't be sure, but if my theory was correct, Victoria had been involved in some way, James was pretty pissed off at his Russian harem for whatever it was that Tanya had attempted to do, and he had been torturing and keeping their spirits captive for the last almost-one hundred years. I had a feeling that an exorcism might be in order very soon.

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**Let me know what you think. Just an FYI, the Olive Garden situation was inspired by the last time my sisters took me out for dinner. They haven't taken me out since. Apparently, I'm the Emmett of the group…**


	20. Chapter 20 Coat Racks & Corn Holes

**I do not own Twilight...**

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**Chapter 20: Coat Racks & Corn Holes**

**EDWARD**

After we had finished with dinner, I was half-listening to Bella finalizing plans with my mother and Alice for an exorcism tomorrow night. When I said half-listening, it was because I was intently watching Bella's mouth, instead of listening to the words coming out of it. Every time her mouth formed a word with an "O" sound, or when her tongue would peek out from between her lips, my dick would twitch spastically on its own accord. A few days with her, and I'd reverted to a horny, pubescent twelve-year-old. My mind was in the gutter twenty-four-seven now, and all I could think about were all of the new positions I'd like to try next. Even in the midst of all this crazy ghost crap, this had been the best few days of my life.

"Blah-blah-blah-bity, blah?" Bella screeched at me.

"Huh?" I stammered, clearing my head from the inappropriate thoughts running through it.

"I said, are you ready to go?" Bella repeated. Apparently, I had been less than half listening.

"Yeah, sure," I replied and stood up to leave. Everyone else was already standing with their jackets on and ready to go. I guess I'd been zoned out longer than I'd thought.

"Holy hell, Edward, you could poke someone's eye out with that thing!" Emmett's loud voice echoed throughout the restaurant, causing everyone in the place to look over at us. I wasn't even sure what he was talking about, until I looked around at everyone around me and noticed that nobody was making eye contact with me. They were all focused…a little further south.

"Shit!" I muttered under my breath, as I looked down and realized I was sporting some pretty serious wood, thanks to my previous thoughts of Bella. Damned sweatpants! I quickly grabbed my jacket and held it in front of the huge bulge in my pants. My face turned ten shades of red, once again, as I hung my head in embarrassment.

"Hey, Edward…catch!" I looked up just in time to see Emmett hurling his car keys at my head. Startled, I threw both of my hands up in front of my face to catch them, and to avoid getting my eyeballs skewered in the process.

"What the hell, Emmett!" I shouted angrily at him, as I chucked the keys back in his direction. Confused by his actions, I shook my head and glanced over at Bella. She had her hand over her mouth, and her shoulders were shaking violently with silent laughter. Then I heard the muffled chuckles of damn near everyone in the restaurant. I looked down, suddenly realizing that if both of my hands had been in use, then there was nothing holding my jacket in place over my embarrassing situation. I was correct, but only half-correct. The jacket was still in place.

Mortified for like the fiftieth time in the last few days, I turned around and stormed for the door.

"Oh, come on, Eddie! We all really like your new coatrack! Don't take it so _hard_!" Emmett called after me. I tried really hard to ignore his double entendre, but it was difficult to do with the roaring laughter that erupted behind me, as I exited the building hastily.

I didn't know what I'd ever done to deserve this, but it was really starting to piss me off. No matter what I did, I always ended up looking like a jackass. It was naïve of me to think that just because I was finally dipping my wick on a regular basis, that all of the nonsense would suddenly stop. Yeah freaking right. Not only had it not stopped, but it seemed to have elevated to an unbelievable level. I might as well have grown a mullet, worn jeans that were so small that they gave me a moose knuckle, and changed my name to Cletus. At least then I'd fit the profile of someone who was the butt of every joke.

"Are you okay, Edward?" I heard Bella's timid voice from behind me. I thought about telling her no and stomping off like a petulant kid again, but I was able to reign myself in somehow. I took a deep cleansing breath and turned around to face her. Out of all of the people in that restaurant laughing at me, Bella was the only one whose opinion I cared about, and she was the one who had been laughing the hardest.

"I'll be okay. I just can't seem to do anything right around you," I confessed. "You fluster me, and then I start thinking about you naked, and then I can't form a coherent sentence or thought. It affects my body, and then I make an ass out of myself. Enough is enough already."

"You know, Edward, there hasn't been one single thing that's happened since I met you that could possibly make me think any less of you," Bella confided. "In fact, most of the awkward things that have happened make you that much more endearing to me."

She smiled at me in such a reverent way that I felt my heart melt and my knees go weak. Without another word, I swept her into my arms and kissed her like it was our last minute on earth. I poured every ounce of passion and feeling I had for this woman into that one kiss. She was shocked at my abrupt actions at first, but melted into my arms a moment later. She sighed and returned the kiss with equal fervor. I felt myself start to relax a little, but the intensity of the kiss did nothing to help my 'coatrack' situation, unfortunately.

"Wow! What did I do to deserve that?" she asked breathlessly after I released her.

"I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you, and I'll never take you for granted…" I hesitated, "Even when you're laughing at me."

"Just so you know, Edward, I only laugh at what's funny. You happen to be one of the funniest, unintentionally funny people I've ever met. Don't take it personally. It's a quality very few people possess, and I just so happen to love that about you," Bella responded with a genuine smile.

Feeling a little bit better about the last five minutes, Bella and I decided to go back to the hotel room and call it a night. We'd had a long-ass day of boring college stuff, wild circus sex, and then a humiliating dinner to round it out. It was time to call it a night.

We talked a little about the exorcism that was scheduled to take place the following night. I was not sure why, but I had an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach about what would happen, and I felt an overwhelming urge to protect Bella from whatever could happen. I knew there was nothing I could say or do to stop her from being there tomorrow night, but that didn't help the uneasy feelings at all. The only thing I could think of to help, even in the slightest, was to occupy my mind elsewhere, and Bella was a very good distraction.

"Let's not talk about this depressing crap anymore," I suggested in my best seductive voice, my tone leaving nothing to the imagination as to what I was after. "I'm in the mood for something a little more…uplifting."

Bella snort-laughed and smacked me in the arm. "You know, Romeo, I'm not just a piece of meat," she mocked. "I swear I've created a monster!"

"Don't blame me, you little temptress. It's like I've been under your spell since I saw you bent over in that van, showing off your amazing Scooby tattoo. Does it have mind control ink in it or something?" I questioned jokingly. "It's had me hypnotized since I saw it."

"No mind control ink. It just so happens that Scooby is camped out right above my ass, which is what I'm sure you've been hypnotized by," she joked back. "Besides, you have no room to talk. I'm convinced that your previously underused and underappreciated skin saber had to have used some sort of Jedi mind control or something on me. Pot, meet kettle," she stated with finality.

I couldn't help but smile at our banter. It didn't matter what we were talking about, or the situation, we could always make each other laugh and forget about the oppressive situation ahead of us.

"Well, guess what?" I asked.

"What?" Bella responded coyly.

"Bella, I am _not_ your father," I said in my best Darth Vader voice. "Let me show you my master skin saber skills, so that you may be worthy," I continued Darth-style, while ceremoniously unleashing my weapon of choice. I unzipped my jeans and dropped them along with my boxers to the floor in one quick motion. I then proceeded to grab myself around the base of my shaft with both hands. It instantly sprang to life from between my palms, much like its _light-_saber counterpart would. I swiveled my hips and waved it around a little, while making whooshing sounds. I thought I was being pretty clever and was giving myself an internal pat on the back, when I heard it…

"Christ, Edward! Put that meat puppet away! You really are going to poke somebody's eye out!" Emmett bellowed through the window behind me. In my haste, I realized I had neglected to close the curtains in the front of the hotel room. Emmett had just witnessed the entirety of my impromptu Darth Vader impersonation. I might as well just stick my head in a corn hole and die right now.

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**A/N: Like I said, just a fun little chapter before more plot-thickening stuff. To the few of my faithful reviewers out there, just know I always appreciate hearing from you!**

**Any new readers...feel free to put your two cents in, too!**


	21. Chapter 21 The Beginning of the End

**SM owns everything Twilight, I'm just playing with her characters.**

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**Chapter 21: The Beginning of the End**

**BELLA**

Poor, poor Edward, he'd just made a fool of himself _again,_ and I'd found myself laughing at him uncontrollably _again_. I was such a shitty girlfriend.

"Shut up, Emmett!" Edward roared loudly towards the window, as he cupped his naked, jiggly man-bits, while trying to run over to close the curtains. I said "trying" to run, because his jeans were still pooled around his ankles, which only allowed him to take little baby steps. He looked like Chunk from the _Goonies_ trying to do the truffle shuffle and failing miserably. He reached the window and closed the curtains with so much force that the entire valance came crashing down in Edward's face, and it actually hit him rather hard in the eye.

"HA! I told you that you were going to poke somebody's eye out with that thing!" Emmett bellowed while clutching his stomach, doubled over in laughter at the antics that were playing out in front of him. Edward had stopped covering his naked parts now, in order to clutch his eye that had been injured in the carnage.

I decided that it was time for me to intervene in this situation, since every attempt Edward made had resulted in an even bigger cluster-fuck.

"Piss off, Emmett!" I shouted towards the window while rushing over and helping Edward pull his pants back up. I was trying desperately to stop laughing, because I was sure it wouldn't help the situation at all. I'd just gotten in trouble for the same thing twenty minutes ago. I could tell that Edward was about to go psycho from embarrassment, and I didn't really want to have to deal with that again. I mustered enough strength within me to silence the cackling whore that wanted so badly to come out to play, and put on my game face.

"It's okay, Edward. Don't even acknowledge him. It just makes him worse," I soothed as I fastened the button on his jeans and kissed the now reddish/bluish spot forming under his right eye. I turned around to see Emmett doing that "Oh, my god, I can't breathe" thing outside, because he was laughing so hard. I stuck my head out of the hotel room door and told him in not so many words that if he didn't exit the area immediately, I was going to tell Rosalie about his collection of My Little Pony dolls. Yeah, he really was that demented.

"You wouldn't dare!" Emmett straightened up immediately at my threat. I nodded and gave him the stink eye at the same time, telling him that I was completely serious.

"Fine. Sorry for laughing at you, Edward. Goodnight." Emmett sulked off into the night, without another word.

I helped Edward over to the bed and sat him down on the edge. I grabbed his head and held him tightly between my breasts for a moment to help him calm down.

"Take a little rest in my dirty love pillows. That should make you feel better in no time," I suggested with the straightest face I could muster. Edward laughed and wrapped his arms around me.

"I don't know how you do it," he said while looking at me in awe.

"What?"

"I was about ready to go join the circus as their latest freak show act, and with one comment about your dirty love pillows…all of my problems are forgotten. You're amazing," Edward ran his fingers down my face in reverence as he spoke. It was incredibly sweet.

After our little moment, we both got up and fixed the curtains, so we wouldn't have any more onlookers, and then we got back to our little role-playing game. Let me just say…Edward's skin saber skills were stellar. I decided I should call him Lukeward Peenwalker from now on.

******************** S.H.I.T. *************************

The next day, Edward and I went over to Alice and Jasper's house to help them get everything ready for the exorcism. Alice had been out to the Cullen's house already and had found where the bodies were buried. There were four flagstones along the back perimeter of the Cullen's backyard. There were no names on them, just weird symbols. Alice recognized them as symbols commonly used for binding curses in witchcraft.

"So what's the plan for tonight exactly, Alice?" I asked, because I had never done an exorcism, and I had absolutely no idea what to expect. If our previous dealings were any indication, it was set to be a cluster-fuck of epic proportions. Just sayin'...

Alice explained that we were going to say an unbinding spell, while salting and burning the bones of the four bodies buried there.

"Are you kidding me? We have to dig them up?" I couldn't believe there was any truth to that crap I'd seen on _Supernatural_. I'd always thought it was a load of crap, but I didn't really care, because I'd always liked watching Jensen Ackles bending over and shoveling. That man was seriously ass-a-licious.

"Yes, Bella, we have to dig them up," she sounded annoyed and looked at me like I was an idiot.

"Well, excuse me. I was just asking. Did you forget to put on your underwear again and that moo-moo crawled up your ass?" I sniped, not liking the attitude I was getting. "You might want to pull it out of your crack, before you start hacking up tie-dyed cotton balls at me." I couldn't help the smart-ass smile that split across my face from that comment.

Alice looked appalled for a second, before breaking down and laughing like a banshee.

"Sorry, Bella, I'm just a little on edge today," Alice confessed between her gasps for air, while she continued laughing hysterically.

"Well, let's put this tension to good use and get everything loaded and get over to the Cullen's house and start digging," I suggested. "You don't have any more of those cookies to take along, do you?"

"Yeah right!" Alice scoffed. "You guys would be useless then. We may as well just slap a sign on their front door that says _'House of Phantasmic Fellatio_' and start charging admission at that point."

I chuckled and conceded her point. We got to work and loaded Edward's car with bags of rock salt, kerosene and some marshmallows. The marshmallows were Emmett's idea of multitasking with the fire later. He was such a dolt sometimes.

We drove over to Edward's house in silence; all of us unnerved about finally putting this all to rest. I hoped that when this was all over with, I would still get to see Edward every day. The thought of not being with him made my heart feel like it would melt and fall out of my chest.

We pulled into the driveway of Edward's house, and everyone else was there waiting. Rosalie and Emmett were not-so-discreetly hidden behind his monstrosity of a Jeep and making out like teenagers, while Carlisle and Esme stood on the front porch, trying desperately to not pay any attention to the grope-fest going on in front of them.

"I'm so glad this is all finally going to be over with," Esme hugged me tightly, as I stepped up onto the porch. "My poor heart can't take much more. Please tell me this will work." Her eyes, filled with unshed tears, pleaded for me to say yes to her.

"I have a good feeling that this will do the trick," I lied through my freaking teeth.

"Good. I hope that when this is all over with, we'll still get to see you, my dear."

"I'd like that very much, Esme. I've grown rather fond of your family over the last few days," I confessed, not lying this time. I had really gotten attached to all of them. I had no idea that a family could be so loving and normal. I just hoped I didn't let them down.

Resolved to see this thing through, I led the troops into the backyard, and each of us grabbed a shovel and started digging. After about two hours, we finally hit the caskets buried deep in the rocky-ass dirt. If you'd never dug a hole in Washington before, I wouldn't suggest ever trying it. There was a little bit of dirt, then little rocks, and then really big rocks. I think I might have blown out an ovary hoisting boulders out with a shovel.

We cleared the dirt off of the tops of the caskets the best we could, before unceremoniously cracking them open with a large pick axe. I'd never seen human remains before and couldn't help the catatonic state that overcame me as I saw the decaying skeletons laid out before me. It seriously eeked me out.

"What now, Alice?" I heard Edward ask, but I couldn't pry my eyes away from the bodies of the spirits that had been causing all of the drama lately. I faintly heard her response, but I couldn't focus on anything. My peripheral vision started to darken, as I kept staring. I couldn't even blink. It was like someone had glued my eyeballs open and tied me up, so that I had no choice but to look at their remains. My eyes started to sting and began to blur. I tried to blink and look away, but I couldn't. I wasn't even able to move my feet. I was stuck and felt like something was overpowering me. I was defenseless. It wasn't long before everything went dark, and I had no feeling left in my body at all. I was floating through a sea of blackness and had no clue what was happening to me. Maybe Alice had slipped me an _extra_ special cookie?

After what seemed like an eternity, I saw light coming at me. It started as a small speck in the distance, then, like a rubber band, it snapped forward at lightning speed and knocked me flat on my ass.

I stood up and rubbed the sting out of my backside, as I looked around. I was still in the Cullen's backyard, but nobody else was there. I looked over to where we had dug the bodies up, but there weren't any holes. The flagstones weren't even there.

Confused as all hell, I decided to investigate. If this was an Alice-induced acid trip, I might as well take it for a ride. I walked up towards the house and noticed that the house and the yard looked a little bit different. The trees and bushes were smaller, and the house was a slightly different color. It appeared to be twilight, as I could see the sun just setting on the horizon. There were lights on in the house, and I could just barely make out the figure of a man in the kitchen window. I approached the house slowly, not wanting to alert anyone to my presence if I could help it.

I stood outside of the back door to see if I could hear anything inside. Before I had the chance to eavesdrop, the door swung open, and a man stuck his head out. I think I might have shat myself.

"There you are!" the man's face lit up when he saw me. "Dinner's almost ready. You're going to love it." He pulled me through the doorway and into his arms. I looked up into his eyes and realized I was in some pretty deep shit, as he leaned down and planted one hellacious mess of a slobbery kiss on me.

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**A/N: Only a couple more chapters left. Hold on to your butts, it's about to get crazy! **


	22. Chapter 22 Butt Breath & Murder

**I do not own Twilight, just a few pervy ghosts…**

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**Chapter 22: Butt Breath and Murder**

**BELLA**

I stood there paralyzed, as I stared up at the very attractive man who had just planted the most disgusting lip-lock on me that I'd ever had. He was boyishly handsome, with a smooth face and dirty blond hair pulled back into a small ponytail at the nape of his neck. His eyes were a dull blue, bordering on gray, but what stuck out the most was the crypt-keeper-like state of his teeth. They were a brownish color, and several of them were missing. The teeth that were still attached looked like they were hanging on for dear life.

"Are you alright?" Snaggle-Tooth asked me, pulling me out of my trance. I closed my eyes for a second and shook my head to try and make sense of everything. I was half-expecting to wake up back in reality when I opened my eyes again…but I didn't.

"Uh, yeah, super alright…thanks for asking," I stammered. My reply received a very weird look from him, causing me to squirm a little.

"Why don't you come inside and get comfortable, while I finish dinner. You must be nervous. I've never heard you so inarticulate before," he commanded as he pulled me through the door and pointed me towards the sitting room to my right.

Without a word, I went and sat down and carefully took in my surroundings. I still wasn't completely sure I wasn't on some sort of acid trip, so I decided to err on the side of caution and play it safe. The less I said the better.

Looking around, I realized that this was definitely the Cullen house, but everything was different. The room I remembered having holes in the plaster, wires hanging from the ceiling, and dilapidated wallpaper hanging in shreds from the wall now looked brand new. It was a little too French-whorehouse for my taste, but new nonetheless.

"Red or white wine?" I heard Skanky McNasty Grill yell from the kitchen.

"White!" I yelled back a littler overzealously, hoping that if I drank white wine, then he would, too. The thought of seeing those fugly teeth stained purple from the wine, on top of the layer of butt scum already on them, was just too much to stomach right now.

I sat there listening to the sound of dishes clanking in the kitchen, while nervously biting my nails. I wasn't sure exactly what was going on, but it couldn't be good. Five minutes ago, I was standing in the backyard digging up bodies, and now I was sitting in the middle of a whorehouse, nearly a hundred years in the past as far as I could tell. Snaggle-Tooth must have been James Hunter, the master of the whores. But who did that make me? He seemed to be affectionate towards me, so I was either Victoria or one of the whores he was diddling on the side. Either way, I felt like I was about one French fry short of a Happy Meal. I'd just jumped on a train to crazy-town, so I might as well enjoy the ride.

"Hey, James, where is everyone else?" I called out, hoping to find out if we were alone or not. That thought freaked me out a little more than it should have.

"The girls are up in their rooms," he responded as he walked into the room with two glasses of wine in his hand. He sat down next to me, placing the wine glass in my hand, and his now-empty hand on my thigh. I felt like I might vomit from the combination of the skeevy feeling of his hand, and the rotten stench seeping from his mouth. "I asked them to stay up there so that we wouldn't be disturbed."

I was very hesitant to engage him in conversation, for fear that I might pass out from lack of oxygen, since I couldn't breathe through my nose in his presence, but my curious side won out.

"Why wouldn't we want to be disturbed? What exactly do you have planned?" I spoke in my best seductress voice, hoping to be in the correct character for whoever's body I happened to be borrowing at the moment. When in a whorehouse, do as the whores did…right?

"Now, now, Miss Isabella, I can see that this place is taking its toll on your innocence. I'm not sure if this was such a good idea after all," he chided me like I was a child. "Perhaps we should reschedule this conversation to a more public place. I'm having trouble keeping my hands off of you, and your virtue intact, to begin with."

What did he mean by conversation? And what in the hell was he talking about me being innocent…wait a minute, beep, beep, beep, back that friggin truck up! Did he just call me Isabella? Holy freaking shit-balls, I was so confused right now.

"No! Please, let's just do this now," I replied sweetly, hoping to find out more information about what in the hell was going on.

"Alright, Isabella, we'll continue this in the dining room over dinner, though. It's ready, and I'm starving."

We walked into the dining room and sat down at the enormous mahogany table, side-by-side. His proximity was making me nervous, and I had an eerie feeling that we were being watched, but I had a role to play, so I put my big girl panties on and played the part.

"Why don't you start?" I suggested, since I had absolutely no clue what this conversation was supposed to be about. I slapped on a cheesy smile, and batted my eyelashes a couple of times to try and persuade him.

"Well, it seems as though we have a bit of an issue here, Isabella. I'm hopelessly in love with Victoria, but for some reason, I just can't seem to get you out of my mind. Can you explain that to me?" I wasn't sure what to say to that, so I just smiled, hoping he would continue. "Every day for the last week, I've woken up thinking of nothing but you, and how wonderful you are, and how much I'd love to make you mine. For some reason, though, I can't understand it, since we've not spoken more than three times in the last five years that you've resided across the street from me. I think you've bewitched me, Miss Isabella." He picked up my hand and gently kissed my knuckles.

"I don't know what to say. I have no control over these things. Perhaps it's you, not me," I insisted.

"Whatever it is, I don't care. I just want you, like I've never wanted anyone. Victoria will be furious, and that whore, Kate, will probably cry like a baby, but I can't bring myself to care right now. I can't let you go."

Well, shit on a shingle, I didn't see that one coming.

"I'm not so sure that this is a good idea. I don't want to cause any trouble," I offered timidly. The possessiveness in his voice was beginning to alarm me.

"Don't be absurd. You could never be any trouble," he sneered as he grabbed me by the arms painfully and pulled me over into his lap and began kissing my neck. I started to dry heave, as his putrid scent wafted up my nose.

"I don't think we should be doing this. What about the girls upstairs? They could hear us," I desperately plead with him.

"Fuck those stupid whores. They can all go to hell. They mean nothing to me, and I don't care what they think."

Getting desperate to get away from him, I looked around the room for something to slap him upside his head with, or at least a quick exit after I ripped his balls off. His disgusting saliva was dripping from my neck at this point, and his erection was stabbing me in the leg. I'd never felt more abhorrent in all of my life. As I looked back towards the sitting room, my eyes met with a tear-stained face that looked a little more than pissed off.

"A whore? Eees dat all I am to jew?" the pissed off, crying lady said while holding a gun up and pointing it directly at us.

"Put the gun down, Kate. Nobody needs to get hurt," James stood and released his grip on me. I immediately ran to the other side of the room. I watched as he approached her slowly, while her shaky hand still held the small revolver pointing directly at him.

"You are a whore, and that's all you'll ever be to me. We've had this conversation before, Kate. Why don't you understand?"

Holy hell was he stupid! How did he figure a statement like that was going to get her to put the gun down? What an idiot!

He didn't even have time to contemplate the idiocy of his approach to talk her off of the metaphorical ledge, because just as the words left his mouth, the gun fired straight at him. His body fell to the floor with a thud.

Kate turned towards me and lifted the gun again. I froze in fear and closed my eyes, waiting for my turn in front of the firing squad. The time between hearing the gun fire and the pain of the bullet seemed to last an eternity. In fact, the pain never came at all. Confused, I opened my eyes again to see Kate lying on the floor in a puddle of blood right next to James.

Shocked, I fell to my knees and watched the rest of the drama unfold before me.

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**A/N: This story is just about wrapped up. Only a few more chapters. Can't wait to hear what you guys think about the shit-show that's happening.**


	23. Chapter 23 Cat Fights & Iron Snatches

**Just a little more drama, before the funny ensues. It had to be done for the storyline. Hang tight, it's almost done!**

**I do not own Twilight**

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**Chapter 23**: **Cat Fights & Iron Snatches**

**BELLA**

I had somehow gone back in time and witnessed the reason for the situation Edward and his family had found themselves in. Either that or I was high. If it what I had been seeing was real, though, I knew the truth now, that Kate had killed James right in front of me, and then had taken her own life. That meant that the killing was not finished, though. Sometime in the near future, Tanya and Irina would also be killed. The realization hit me at the same time as I heard footsteps rushing across the dining room floor. I was still pressed against the far wall of the dining room in plain sight and decided to scoot over under the dining room table.

The footsteps belonged to a tall beautiful blonde, wearing a very slutty corset-style dress. Tears streamed down her face, as she sank to her knees next to Kate, not caring that the large pool of blood seeping from beneath Kate's body now soaked her entire dress.

"Katarina! Eet vas not shupposed to be like dis! I only vanted jew to shee who he really vas!" the woman cried out in a very thick Russian accent. She continued speaking to her sister in a hushed tone in her native tongue, which I could not understand.

I assumed this woman was Tanya, considering that I had read in her journal that she had masterminded a plan to get them out of the house without having to leave her sister behind. She had set it up so that James would be caught red-handed showing his true colors as a reprehensible human being, and her sister would leave readily after that. I'd bet my left ovary that Tanya had not considered that her sister would take matters into her own hands like she did.

"Git out of here. Undo zee shpell, und shpeak of dis to no von," Tanya turned and spoke directly to me under the table, startling me. I nodded, not knowing what else to do, and made a move to get out from underneath the table. Just as my head peeked out, another blonde woman came rushing in frantically. I quickly ducked back underneath.

"Tanya! Vat have jew done!" the woman screamed.

"Irina, eet is not vat…" Tanya was cut off by Irina tackling her to the floor, where she proceeded to open up a big ol' can of whoop-ass on her sister. If it hadn't been for the serious nature of the situation, I might have started clapping and yelled, "Cat Fight!" But I thought better of it.

They struggled on the floor ferociously, shouting the few obscenities that I actually knew in Russian at each other, among other things. I saw Irina grab for the gun, and I knew things were going to get bad fast.

"Shtop! Jew don't know vut jew're doing!" Tanya screamed, as Irina pointed the gun towards her. Tanya grabbed the gun, and they struggled some more, until the gun went off, and they both stilled. I saw Irina slowly roll to her side, coming to rest on the floor, her lifeless eyes staring at me from across the room. To say that it unnerved me a little would have been an understatement. That shit was down-right creepy.

Tanya sat up and covered her face with her bloody hands and sobbed. I wasn't sure what I should do. What was my role in all of this, anyways? Tanya had told me to undo the spell…I think. I couldn't be sure, because she was pretty freaking hard to understand, but that was what I think she'd said. James had said that I lived across the street, so I thought maybe I should go there and see if I could find a spell? Maybe that was why their spirits were trapped in the house or something. I didn't know, but it was better than anything else I had going at the moment. Resolved, with my plan in my head, I took a deep breath and attempted to push myself out from under the table. Once again, I hadn't made it very far, when I heard the front door open, and a woman with long, curly, fiery-red hair came into the room with a look like somebody had just kicked her puppy, but worse. Someone had just killed her _vag_itarian life partner. This was bad.

"You stupid, meddling whore! What have you done?" the redhead screamed at the top of her lungs. "You've taken everything from me!"

"Eet vas jew! Jew are zee von who made zis happen, Victoria!" Tanya cried out. She stood with the gun and pointed it straight at Victoria. Without a moment's hesitation, Victoria closed her eyes and began to chant.

"You've taken what is mine, so I will take what is yours. Never again shall you pass through any of these doors. In death, you shall serve, as you did in the flesh. Until recited in reverse, this shall forever be your curse."

She kept chanting the same words over and over as she walked closer. Tanya's eyes had glazed over, like she was in a trance, as Victoria continued to chant. I saw Victoria raise her arm with her hand out and her finger pointing like she was holding a pretend gun. As her arm raised, her elbow also bent, pointing her pretend gun at her head, and Tanya's hand holding the real gun mimicked her movements.

"Death shall be by your own hand, but it is as I command," Victoria spoke in an eerie low voice. A second later, I heard the gunshot and watched Tanya's body join the three others on the floor.

I held my breath, not wanting to alert Victoria to my presence. She stood there for a moment and then just walked out, as if nothing had happened.

It took about 2.7 seconds for me to realize that this was not a good place to be, and I high-tailed my ass out of there. I ran as fast as my trembling legs could carry me, straight across the street to what I assumed was my house. I ran in the front door, slamming it shut behind me. I stood there with my back pressed against the door, trying to regulate my breathing. Whatever was going on was freaking me the hell out. Was I dead? Had Alice slipped me a happy mushroom? Either one of those explanations made a hell of a lot more sense than the reality of what I had just witnessed. Once again, I closed my eyes and willed myself to wake up from this craziness, only to find myself still here.

"How in the hell am I supposed to get out of here?" I asked to no one, just needing to not feel so alone.

I started to look around the house, and I noticed a lot of pictures on the walls that looked an awful lot like me. There were also a couple of them that had a handsome man in them who had Edward's eyes.

"Well, it's official. They might as well just strap the straitjacket on me right now and cart me away to the loony bin. I've officially lost it," I threw my hands in the air, at a loss for why I was creating this whole scenario in my mind. I suppose talking to myself was grounds for a straitjacket, too.

I continued walking through the house and found a small stairwell that looked like it led up to an attic. I was supposed to be undoing a spell, so I figured if those _Charmed_ witches kept that kind of shit in the attic, maybe I did, too. I was right.

In the middle of the room was a wooden trunk with unlit candles on it, and a large, leather-bound book. I opened it to the page that had been bookmarked and found the spell that Tanya had been speaking of.

"The Love Spell," I read the title at the top of the page out loud. I continued reading. "This spell will make any who it is cast upon fall in love with you, but be cautioned, as the results may not be what you desire. The love may not be true, for if it is not, the one you cast it upon shall be denied love from all others, except ye who cast, until the spell is undone." Well, that was freaking depressing. And who in the hell still said ye? I kind of felt bad for Snaggle-Tooth now. That poor dude had been cooped up with three whores for damn near a century, and had no idea what it felt like to be truly loved. No wonder he was horny and angry all of the time. Guess you shouldn't judge someone until you knew all of the facts.

"If the love is true, it cannot be undone. It will bind two souls together in an unbreakable bond, even in death. If the love is false, the heart will know, and the spell must be broken. If left unbroken, the cast-upon will be cursed to walk the earth, unloved, for eternity." Well, that was convenient...all of these warnings, but no clue as to how to undo the spell. That must have been like general knowledge to witches or something, but I was not a witch, so what in the hell was I supposed to do?

I flipped through the book a little more to see if there was anything on how to undo a spell, but I wasn't having any luck. I was getting frustrated and was about to go root through the liquor cabinet and get my drink on, when I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head.

I was grabbed by the hair and yanked to my feet. I felt the smooth curves of a female body pressing into my back, as something cold and sharp pressed against my neck.

"You shouldn't have meddled in things that you know nothing about, little girl," I recognized Victoria's voice from before.

"I know what you're doing, and I won't have you undoing my hard work. His soul deserves to rot on this earth, just like that whore, Tanya's. They can suffer for what they've done."

"I don't know what you're talking about! I didn't do anything," I pleaded with her. I was not as stupid as James was when it came to reasoning with crazy bitches…you played stupid, plain and simple.

"Don't lie. Lies are what've gotten us into this mess. At least tell the truth before you die, which is in about three seconds," she threatened, as she pressed her weapon further into my neck. I could feel it pierce my flesh, and the warm blood quickly cooled against my skin from the frigid air of the attic.

Not knowing what else to do in this situation, I gathered every last bit of strength I could, planning on thrusting my leg up, which was perfectly aligned between her legs and kicking her in the vag as hard as I could. I realized it wasn't the smartest plan, because that just didn't hurt women like it hurt men, but it was all I had at the moment. So without further ado, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and connected my heel with Victoria's sideways sloppy-joe. It was gross.

With all of the force I'd put behind it, I would have thought my kick would have at least made her flinch…but it didn't. She laughed in my ear instead.

"It'll take more than that to hurt this iron snatch, honey. I like it rough. Well, since you don't seem to want to confess anything, make your peace now. I can't have any loose ends."

Without hesitation, she sliced through my throat and threw me to the floor. Everything went black.

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**Let me know what you guys think. **


	24. Chapter 24 Snogs & Cheese

**I do not own Twilight.**

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**Chapter 24: Snogs & Cheese**

**EDWARD**

"What now, Alice?" I asked, hoping that all this digging was finally getting us somewhere. It felt like we should have reached China by now, considering how long we had all been shoveling dirt and boulders out of the shallow four-foot graves we were all standing in.

"Now we get the bags of salt and pour them over the bodies," Alice instructed. I hopped out of the hole and went to go grab the fifty-pound bags of rock salt that were still in the back of my car.

"Hey, Bella, do you want to come give me a hand?" No response. "Bella?" She was just standing there staring at the exposed corpses, not moving or blinking.

"Baby, are you okay?" I grabbed her by the shoulders, just as her eyes rolled into the back of her head and her knees gave out from under her.

I caught her before she hit the ground and laid her down gently. "Dad! Something's wrong with Bella!" He rushed over and quickly assessed her vitals.

"It looks like she's just passed out. She should come around shortly. I'll run to the car and get some smelling salts just in case." He ran off, while I stayed and held Bella's head up off of the damp grass.

Carlisle returned moments later with the smelling salts and quickly broke the little packet open under Bella's nose. Nothing happened.

"Isn't she supposed to wake up now, Dad?"

"That's how these things usually work. I'm not sure what's going on. Maybe we should get her to the hospital?" Carlisle seemed unsure. I could understand his hesitance. With the crazy shit we'd seen this week, there was no way to tell if her problem was medical, or supernatural.

"I can't take any chances with her, Dad…I love her. Let's get her to the hospital."

As I moved to pick her up, she began mumbling something I couldn't quite understand.

"Bella, baby? Can you hear me?" I spoke close to her face, willing her to open her eyes.

"Snaggle…stinky…no more kisses," Bella mumbled again.

"What's stinky, baby?" I questioned. She wasn't making any sense, so I discreetly lifted my elbow and took a quick whiff of my pit, just to make sure she wasn't talking about me. Nope, all good.

"Scared…everyone dead…why am I here…" she trailed off.

"It looks like she's dreaming," dad said. "Look at the rapid eye movement," he pointed out.

"I don't know what you're talking about…didn't do it…" Suddenly, Bella shot straight up, her eyes opened, and she clutched furiously at her throat, gasping for air.

"It's okay. It's okay. I've got you, baby. Calm down," I did my best to soothe her, while she had her little freak-out.

"Edward?" she croaked unsure.

"Yes, baby. Everything's okay."

"Oh, Edward! It was awful! I know what happened. It was my fault all along. I didn't reverse the spell. I should've never helped Tanya in the first place! What's wrong with me?" she cried shuddering sobs into my shoulder.

"Calm down, baby. Tell me what happened. How is it your fault?"

"I was there, Edward. I'm the reason they're all dead and haunting your house."

She was just talking crazy now. I had half a mind to ask Alice what she had slipped her.

"There's no way that any of this is your fault. Why would you think that?" Surely she could see how absurd the idea was.

"I can explain." She straightened her shoulders and put her game face on. To say that I was a little aroused at that point would have been a gross understatement. I needed to find out what was going on with her, though, so I tamed the trouser snake and listened intently.

We all stood there and listened, while she explained the several-hour journey to the past that she had taken; which in reality, only lasted a minute. By the end of her explanation, I was speechless. This couldn't have been true. Bella couldn't have been there nearly a century ago. Had she traveled through time? Had she been there in a past life? The whole idea sounded way too Sci-Fi channel to me.

Bella explained that the spell Victoria had cast right before Tanya died had condemned her soul to be stuck in the house forever at James' service, but it had backfired and condemned her sisters as well. She also explained that the love spell that "Bella" from the past had cast on James had condemned him to wander the earth forever without love.

"Don't you see, Edward?" Bella pleaded. "If I had never meddled and cast that spell, all of this wouldn't be happening now."

"Stop blaming yourself. Shit still would've hit the fan, you just wouldn't have had ringside seats is all," I tried to reason with her, but she just continued to sob into my shirt. I could feel the warm wetness seeping through to my skin, and I tried to not think about the fact that it might or might not have been snot. That was just gross.

"Victoria killed me, Edward. That bitch sliced my throat open and left me for dead. There was a reason she didn't want that spell reversed. She's not here to stop me now, though. I'm going to reverse both spells and set them all free." Bella stood up and with a fierce determination, walked directly across the street, and knocked on the door.

"Bella…wait!" I shouted after her, while running to catch up with her. "What are you doing?"

"This is where I was killed, holding the spell book that can fix all of this mess. I have to see if it's still here, or if there are any clues as to where it is."

Before I could respond, the front door opened. Now, I was not sure what exactly I was expecting at that point in time, but this certainly wasn't it.

"Can I help ya?" the man answering the door asked in a very thick British accent.

"Uh..." Bella was tongue-tied, so I thought I should step in and help her out.

"Um…Sir? May I inquire as to why you don't have any pants on?" I asked. That was the only thing that came to mind to say, since this guy answered the door wearing a white t-shirt and nothing else.

"Just lettin' the ol' twig and berries get a little air, mate," he said while fondling his…berries? I couldn't really tell through the fro-bush he was sporting. I half expected to see a pick or a rake sticking up out of it.

Bella's eyes had sort of glazed over, and she looked as if she might vomit.

"Sir, would you mind maybe putting some pants on so that we can have a word with you? My girlfriend is a little uncomfortable with the nudity," I suggested.

"Well, that's bollocks! Any gent with a set of eyes can see that your bird over there is frothin' at the gash for these goods," the Austin Powers wannabe responded rather belligerently, while once again cupping his hand around himself. I might have just thrown up a little in my mouth, too.

"That won't be necessary, Sir. I can handle it if you can," Bella shocked me by giggling and extending her hand to the disgusting perv in front of us. "Bella Swan, pleasure to meet you."

"Told ya, Lad…she's a feisty lass," he winked at me, as his ball-sweat-covered hand extended towards _my _Bella. "Name's Peter, but you can call me Pete." They shook hands, and I tried desperately not to wince at their skin-on-skin contact. I was sure I had a bottle of hand sanitizer in my car. I wondered if they would think me odd if I went and got it. Oddly enough, in my anti-germ-induced haze, the fact that this half-naked man was aptly named after a phallus had almost escaped my notice…almost.

"Well, Pete, I'm helping out the Cullen's across the street with some historical background on their home, and I have some questions for you about this house and any previous owners," Bella continued on, as if she didn't have this man's fromunda cheese all over her hand.

"Well, I've never been one to say no to a lady. Would you fancy a snog after?" he winked again. Bella cringed.

"Pete, that's very kind of you to offer, but my snog card is full right now. This handsome man next to me is Edward Cullen, your neighbor and my boyfriend," she introduced us, as if I hadn't already seen the no-no parts of this man.

"You seem like an uptight bloke, but if you landed this bird, you must be alright." He extended his hand to me to shake, and I froze. No way in hell was I touching that.

Sensing my distress, Bella came to my rescue. "Edward has had a cold and doesn't want to risk you getting it, Pete."

"Very well, come in then." He opened the door and motioned us past. I tried to stay as close to the other side of the doorjamb as possible, so as not to come in any closer proximity to the naked parts.

We walked into the house and were pointed towards the formal sitting area off to the left. We both went in and sat down. Pete and his dangly things followed right behind us and sat down in a chair across from me. He grabbed a throw pillow and placed it on his lap.

"Sorry 'bout the pants, thought you were another bloody salesman. This usually scares em' off before they can even start their spiel," he confessed looking a little sheepish all of a sudden.

"It's okay, Pete. I'm glad you got the awkward part out of the way for us," Bella confessed.

"Let me guess, you've come lookin' for that sodding book that's caused so much trouble 'round here. Maggie always said some lass lookin' like me great aunt Izzy would come round for it one day."

I didn't see that one coming, either.

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**A/N: Hope you guys liked it! Let me know what you thought about Pete, he was almost as fun as Emmett to write.**


	25. Chapter 25 Mushroom stamps & Wildebeests

**I do not own Twilight, just having fun with the characters.**

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**Chapter 25: Mushroom Stamps & Wildebeests**

**BELLA**

"You know about the book?" I asked pervy Pete in disbelief.

"That I do, Lass. The question is what do you know about the book?"

"I know that it has a spell in it that could help put a lot of souls at rest, and help your neighbors out tremendously. You have no idea the kinky, messed-up shit that's been going on," I explained.

"I can only imagine," Pete agreed. "You see, I've had a bit of a personal experience with that love spell that I'd bet my left nut is what's vexin' you lads right now."

I leaned forward, eagerly awaiting his explanation.

"You see, before I met Maggie, I only had eyes for Angela. I called her my angel, in fact. She was beautiful, smart and everything I ever thought I wanted in a woman," Pete spoke in a soft, reverent way. "She wouldn't give me the time of day, though, unfortunately. Every day, I watched her from afar and wondered if I'd ever get me heart back. I couldn't even imagine looking at another bird, as long as she walked the earth."

I listened intently, knowing that this pant-less sap might just have the answers we needed to put this nightmare behind us.

"I'll never forget the day I got me heart back, though. That was the day that I met my Maggie, and she's been the proud owner of it ever since." A lone tear slipped from his eye. "She took it with her to the grave near ten years ago."

"I'm so sorry for your loss, Pete," I tried to comfort him, but I was getting impatient at the same time. I really needed answers, and his stroll down memory lane was taking far too long for my liking.

"Don't be silly, Lass. I haven't lost a thing. My Maggie is here with me every day. I may not see her whenever I want, but I know she's here. The few times that she's shown herself to me, I've cataloged and kept close to me heart to get me through the lonely days, until I can be with her again."

"Do you mean to tell me that your dead wife is haunting this house?" Edward asked hesitantly.

"I wouldn't exactly say she haunts it. It's more like she keeps an eye on it. This house has seen some shite in its day that would knock the lot of you on your arses," Pete chuckled boisterously, causing his stomach to jiggle wildly, interrupting the restful sleeping place of his man bits. I cringed, as his little turtle head poked out from its furry habitat below once again.

"Believe me when I tell you that nothing you could tell us would shock us after what we've been through this week." _But if I have to look at your old saggy balls for another second, I might just need to be committed_ I thought to myself, but continued smiling at him. "Tell me about the book, and great aunt Izzy, and what exactly you know about the love spell."

"Straight to the good stuff I see. No beatin' 'round the bush with you," Pete chuckled again, as he stood and headed for the stairs, while I tried desperately not to retort to his "bush" comment. "Well, no sense in lollygagging then; let's get to the good stuff," Pete signaled for us to follow him up the stairs.

"You go first," I whispered to Edward. "I don't want to follow him up the stairs without pants on."

"So you want me to follow the wildebeest?" Edward asked incredulously.

"Please?" I batted my eyelashes at him in the hopes that I might persuade him to go first.

"Fine. You're lucky I love you, because the emotional scarring this may cause could be quite severe," Edward relented.

We followed Pete up the stairs carefully, so as not to get too close to the swingin' nuts. I never realized that gravity played such a dramatic roll on men like it did on women, 'cuz holy hell the man was sagging halfway to his knees!

Edward turned around to look at me and rolled his eyes at the ridiculous nature of our trek up the stairs. I giggled, glad that I was a safe distance away, as Edward turned back around. Unfortunately for him, it was right at that moment that Pete decided to bend over at the top of the stairs to pick up his cat. Edward went head first into no-man's-land.

"Oh, holy hell, you just tea-bagged my forehead!" Edward shouted.

"Sorry, Lad, my pussy needed pettin', and who am I to deny her?" Pete soldiered on down the hall, all the while cooing to the fuzzy little kitty in his arms. We came to the end of the hall, where there was another flight of stairs that led to the attic.

Pete stood to the side of the staircase and let us go up ahead of him.

"I don't really fancy another head-on collision with me two veg, so I'll just follow you up," Pete said with a wiggle of his eyebrows. I hurried past Edward to go up first. Yes, I was a selfish bitch sometimes. So what…

As I came to the top of the staircase, I stopped and looked around, as the worst case of déjà vu I'd ever had hit me. This was the room I had been in just a short while ago, where Victoria had slit my throat.

"I've been here," I gasped. "It looks exactly the same."

I walked further into the room and saw the trunk that the book had sat on the last time I'd seen it. I slowly opened the lid and pulled out the very old-looking leather book and sat it atop the trunk. I immediately opened it to the page containing the love spell.

"Looks like you know yer way round that sodding thing," Pete commented. "It's no wonder. You're the spittin' image of Izzy."

"Tell me about her?" I asked, hoping that his explanation might shed some light on the last few hours of my life.

"Izzy was killed in this house at the same time all those murders took place across the street back in 1918. Her murder was never solved, but it was suspected it had something to do with what had happened across the street." Pete held his breath for a moment before continuing. "She dabbled in the witchy stuff, you see. She'd cast a love spell on Anthony Masen. As I understand it, that type of spell only works if their feelings are true, and as it turned out, he truly did love her. They were set to be married that spring when everything happened. She never got the chance."

"How do you know about the spell?" I questioned.

"Well, as it turns out, my entire family was into that witchy shite. My aunt Eleanor was only a few years older than me and moved over here from Brittan with my family and me when I was sixteen. She told me the story of Aunt Izzy, or Isabel as she was formally called, and explained how the love spell worked. My Maggie was a good friend of Eleanor's. She told Maggie about the love spell and helped her cast it on me. The best damn day of my life," Pete smiled wistfully.

"Whatever happened to Anthony Masen?" I asked, remembering the pictures of the young man with Edward's eyes that I had seen pictures of while I had been on my acid trip earlier.

"Ah, that young man lived another thirty years and died sad and alone. After Izzy died, he had nothing to live for and just shut himself in. Unfortunately, he was a healthy young bloke, and it took three decades for his body to finally give up what his heart already had the day Izzy died."

Unable to form a coherent response or question, I turned my attention back to the book and continued flipping through it. There had to be something in here about how to reverse the spell.

"Eleanor told me what she did. She also told me that it wouldn't have worked if I didn't truly love Maggie," Pete continued on. "She even told me what would happen if the spell didn't work, and it wasn't reversed. I'd be bettin' that's what yer here to fix, ain't ya?"

I simply nodded and continued looking through the book. I felt tears well up in my eyes for Pete's lost love, as well as Isabel's and Anthony's tragic story. I couldn't help but feel as though they were getting their second chance through Edward and me. I had to make this right.

"I found it!" I shouted standing up and turning to face Edward. "Look here," I pointed to the book, "To reverse a spell, all you have to do is say it in reverse."

"Well, that almost sounds too easy, what's the catch?" Edward questioned.

"The catch is that it has to be done by the same person who originally cast the spell." My shoulders sagged, as I realized there was nothing I could do.

"Now don't go gettin' yer tits in a twist, Lass," Pete chimed in. "I think it's a pretty safe bet that if you ain't me Aunt Izzy in spirit, then I'm a daft idiot."

"You're not presenting a very good case, Pete," I deadpanned.

"Fair enough, maybe I am a daft idiot, but then so are you. Don't you see? You _are_ Izzy. You can reverse the love spell."

I sat there for a moment, letting his words sink in. It all made sense. In all likelihood, I was Isabel from 1918, and I could feasibly reverse this spell.

"You're a genius, Pete!" I hopped up and kissed him on the cheek, while simultaneously grabbing Edward's hand and pulling him back down the stairs of the attic.

We trudged back across the street quickly to the very confused-looking Cullen clan standing in the front yard.

"What was that all about?" a perplexed Esme asked.

"That was me finding the solution to all of your problems," I answered smugly.

"Well, what on earth happened to Edward's forehead? It's all red," Esme inquired further.

"Oh…it's just a little mushroom stamp, nothing to be alarmed about," I shrugged dismissively, not wanting to have to go into the specifics of Edward's run-in with Pete's genitalia.

"Oh my! Edward's allergic to mushrooms!" Esme cried. "Let me get you some Benadryl, that'll help with the rash," Esme began looking through the drug assortment stocked in her purse.

"It's not that kind of mushrooms, Mom, just forget about it, okay?" Edward looked embarrassed yet again, and his face flushed the same bright red color as his forehead.

"I don't understand?" Esme looked confused.

"Drop it, Mom!"

"Okay…sorry for caring," she looked crestfallen, having been shot down so rudely by her son. I chuckled under my breath, realizing that my careless explanation had led to this little outburst, and I couldn't be bothered to care, because an embarrassed Edward was like a drug to me. I craved it.

"So, what's the solution?" a highly-amused Carlisle asked, trying to steer the conversation back to the point.

"It's simple," I explained, "I just have to reverse this spell, and we can send all of the ghosts in your house on to the hereafter," I held up the book to show them what I was talking about.

"Really? That's all you have to do?" Emmett looked pleased that the solution was something simple enough for even him to understand.

"Yes. Now let's do this, before anything else goes wrong," I said, as I was already making my way over to the freshly-unearthed graves.

"Once I've reversed the spell, we can go ahead and continue with the exorcism as plan…" I was cut off by a branch falling violently from an overhanging tree and landing right in front of me.

Before I could even scream from the shock of it, a strong arm came around my neck in a chokehold, pulling me flush against a solid body. The situation was eerily reminiscent of the last time I had tried to reverse this spell, with one glaring difference…there was a dick poking into my back instead of boobs this time.

"What the-?" I tried to turn to see my assailant, only to be met with a throat-crushing squeeze that prevented any breath from escaping and a pressure that made my eyes feel like they would pop right out of my skull.

"Don't you ever learn?" I could feel the hot breath in my ear. "You will not reverse that spell; you will join me, so that we can finally be together, lover." My mind whirled with the last bit of oxygenated, lucid thought I was capable of. It was a voice I recognized well, but I couldn't figure out why he would hurt me.

As Edward's grip around my throat tightened further, I could feel consciousness slipping away from me. I closed my eyes, ready to succumb to the numbness I was beginning to feel with one final thought.

_I love you, Edward, and you can kiss my ass, James!_

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**A/N: This story is getting close to wrapping up. I hope you all are enjoying it. Let me know what you think.**


	26. Chapter 26 Nut Bra's & Wedgies

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I just like humiliating her characters.**

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**Chapter 26: Nut Bras & Wedgies **

**EDWARD**

It was a breath of fresh air leaving Pete's house. It was a visit full of revelations, as well as a cluster-fuck of incongruous situations. After getting testicular-ly assaulted, I didn't think my day could get much worse…but of course, it did.

To my absolute mortification, my mother was the one to notice my run-in with that dangerously low-hanging, fast swinging ball sack of Pete's. I'd swear, had I been any closer, I might have gotten a concussion. Dude needed a nut-bra.

At least we walked away with some answers, and Bella seemed to have a solid plan moving forward.

Bella began walking back towards the graves, as she mentioned not wanting anything else to go wrong. In hindsight, she really shouldn't have tempted fate by commenting about anything else going wrong, but I couldn't really be bothered to worry about it at that point, since I was mesmerized watching the sway of Bella's ass cheeks, as she walked away from me. I stood there for a moment, just admiring the swing of her _ass-_etts, as she sashayed across the yard. It was hypnotic, watching as one cheek rose, while the other would lower. It was like a harmoniously choreographed ass-dance, flawlessly executed. It was ass-tacular!

"Hey, _Ogle-ward_, put your tongue back in your mouth, and let's go help the girl out," Emmett broke me out of my ass-induced trance.

"Uh…yeah, sure," I started for the graves as well, trailing right behind Emmett, so that I wouldn't get distracted again.

"Jesus, Emmett! Don't you know it's inappropriate to bust ass when someone's walking so closely behind you?" a familiar rotten-egg smell invaded my nose with its putrid essence, and it took everything in me to keep the contents of my stomach in.

"Wasn't me, dude. Whoever smelt it dealt it," Emmett shrugged as he continued walking.

The smell continued to engulf me, until I couldn't see straight. My vision blurred, and my body tensed. I was clenching my fists so hard I could feel my fingernails digging into the flesh of my palm. Something wasn't right. I felt a red haze of anger and evil rise within me, along with the bile in my throat. This was much more than just an Emmett fart.

Without any control over my actions, I watched like a spectator, as I picked up a large branch off of the ground and swung it violently at Emmett's head. He fell to the ground like a rag doll. I turned and felt my feet moving towards Bella before I even saw her. I watched in horror as a large branch fell, missing her by centimeters. Before I could even register what was happening, I had my arm wrapped tightly around her throat.

I couldn't stop myself. My mind was a cluster-fuck of thoughts, as I thought about how much I loved Bella and how I wanted to take her life away from her to keep her with me forever. I was at war with myself. Of course I loved her and wanted her to be with me forever, but something felt off. There was no sense to be made of that line of thought. If Bella were dead, I would _never_ have her.

The light bulb went on over my head suddenly. Everything made sense now. I was no longer myself. I shared my body with a man who had the same level of love and adoration for Bella as I did, but with one minor difference…she _returned _my love, not his.

Once I realized why I had no control and such conflicting feelings within me, I gathered every last bit of energy I could grasp on to and started shouting in my head at the unwanted visitor.

_She doesn't love you! Let her go, and you can be free!_

I repeated the mantra over and over in my head, hoping to break through to the body-snatching asshat that I now shared a brain with. I could feel Bella's struggling lessen, as she began losing the battle to remain conscious. I could feel the conflicting feelings still swirling around in my head, and I could feel both Bella and myself losing the battle against the war we were waging against James. Worst of all, I could feel Bella's life slipping away at my hands, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Just as I gave up all hope of either one of us coming out of this alive, I felt a searing pain rip up the crack of my ass, as my underwear was pulled up and over my head. My grip on Bella loosened, and she toppled to the ground, as I struggled to see through the white cotton of my tighty-white's. Before I was successful, a very large fist connected with my face, launching me to the ground.

As I lay there, trying to shake away the little fairies that were flying around my head, I felt the hate and wicked thoughts leave my body, seeping out through every pore. I managed to remove my underwear from my head and reached down to make sure my scrotum wasn't ripped in half, 'cuz it sure felt like it was. It was all good.

"What the fuck did you think you were doing?" Emmett towered over me, anger radiating out of him like I'd never seen.

"It wasn't me!" I pleaded, as he fisted the front of my shirt and drug me to my feet. "It was James…he possessed me again, damn it!"

Emmett's eyes softened and he released my shirt. We both ran over to Bella, where my father was on the ground next to her, checking her vital signs. She was okay.

"Baby, I'm so sorry, you know I'd never-"

"Edward, it's okay. I know it wasn't you," she looked up at me with a peaceful, loving look that spoke volumes for how she felt about me.

"I'd never hurt you. I love you," I cupped her cheeks and tried to convey to her how I felt with my eyes as well.

"I hate to break up this Lifetime Movie moment, but could we get this shit done? I don't want to be possessed by another Russian chick and feel up Edward's nads again." Emmett looked like he was about to make street pizza at the thought of grabbing my boys.

"Yes, I'm fine. Let's get this done." Bella stood up and made her way back towards the graves. This time, I was right next to her, holding her hand.

"Emmett, I need you to pour the salt and gasoline over the bodies. Edward, I need you to get ready with the matches. And whatever you do, do not let your guard down," Bella started barking orders like a drill sergeant.

With a deep breath and a sigh, she opened the book and began reciting the spell backwards. It sounded like she was speaking a foreign tongue, the words sounding so different when read backwards. I looked around at the scene before me and observed Emmett dousing the bodies as instructed, while Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie stood huddled together, bracing each other with looks of worry etched on every single one of their faces. Jasper and Alice stood to the side of them, holding each other as well. Jasper stared worriedly at Alice, and she looked like she'd taken a trip on the ganja train again.

"Stop, Bella, it won't work," Alice spoke out, causing Bella to pause her reading.

"What do you mean it won't work?" Bella questioned.

"Victoria cast a counter-spell. It won't work," she said sounding resigned.

"Then how do we get around it?" I asked.

"Victoria's soul isn't at rest, either, otherwise the counter-spell wouldn't matter. Victoria just told me so." We all looked at Alice like she'd just grown a third head. "We need to put Victoria to rest, and then we can end this."

"Well, where in the hell do we find iron snatch?" Bella demanded rather loudly.

"She's buried across the street. Pete's been holding out on you."

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**A/N: Sorry, I couldn't resist having more fun with Pete. **


	27. Chapter 27 Turtle Heads & Nut Shells

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight**

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**Chapter 27: Turtle Heads & Nutshells**

**BELLA**

I walked across the street reluctantly with the Cullen's. This poor family had been through enough this last week, and the thought of sweet Esme being subjected to Pete was deplorable. Oh well, it was a means to an end, I guess.

"Hey, Esme? Please try not to get offended by Pete. He's…rather unique, and I'm sure he means well," I warned Esme, before she could actually witness his particular brand of crazy unleashed on them.

"Thank you, Bella, but after all of the shit I've been through this week, I don't think anything could surprise or offend me," Esme surprised me with her use of foul language. Then again, I shouldn't have been surprised, since I tended to bring out the truck driver tendencies in everyone.

"Way to be, Mama C!" Emmett slapped her on the back encouragingly. "I'm glad to hear that. Now I can let my true colors show."

"Oh, dear, if you've been holding back, Emmett, then I'm afraid I may have to retract my previous statement," Esme offered jokingly.

We all chuckled at their banter, taking the edge off of our tense situation, if only for a moment. Edward and I were taking up the tail end of the group, not wanting to be the ones to knock on Pete's door again. Fortunately, Emmett stepped up to bat, letting us off the hook. He knocked firmly three times and then stepped back, awaiting an answer.

The door opened to the familiar sight of Pete's head poking out. And yes, when I said head, it was the other one I was talking about. All at once, I heard Esme gasp, Rosalie snort, Alice giggled, Jasper drawled out a long-ass, "Duuude," and Carlisle muttered a "What the…?" Strangely, Emmett was silent, but I knew that could only last so long.

Slowly but surely, Pete's second head joined his other in the small opening of the door.

"Oh! It's just you lads again," Pete relaxed his timid posture and opened the door the rest of the way.

Then, as if on cue, Emmett's silence ceased. "Dude! What's with the One-Eyed Willy greeting? I thought I was hallucinating that turtle head pokin' out for a second, but clearly, I wasn't."

"Is that a hint of jealousy I see in your eyes there, lad? Yer wishin' you were packin' this kind of heat in yer trousers, don't ya?" Pete antagonized.

"For the record, there's 'nothin' yer packin' that I'm jealous of," Emmett used air quotes as he spoke, "But I am curious about how your balls got so saggy. Did you have a taffy puller incident or something?" he asked sounding genuinely concerned for the state of Pete's overly-saggy scrote.

"Naw, just too much jerkin' the gherkin," Pete waved off his concern. "Come on in again, I guess. I figured you'd be comin' back this way. Maggie never steers me wrong."

"Maggie told you we were coming?" I interrupted.

"Aye. She said I shouldn't tell you about Victoria until you figured it out yourselves. You wouldn't have believed me otherwise."

"She's buried here?" I pushed my way through the door and to the front of the group. I only shuddered slightly, as I took in the pants-less wonder again.

"Aye, but that's not somethin' one goes about advertisin' if ya catch my meaning."

"Why is she here? Where is she?" My mind was racing, as I tried to figure out all of the possible reasons for this.

"Vengeance, Lass…pure unadulterated vengeance."

"What…Who…whe…huh?" I sounded like a stuttering dork, but I was so confused. I took a deep breath, looked around at the rest of the confused faces surrounding me, and I suddenly didn't feel like such a dork. "Explain," I crossed my arms over my chest and stuck my hip out, tapping my foot like the bitchy diva that I was.

"Did you think young Anthony was just going to let his soul mate go without a fight? Not a chance in hell. That boy may not have been a witch, but he was head-over-heels in love with one, and he definitely wasn't ignorant to it, either. He got his payback."

"What do you mean? Did he kill her? I thought I read that she killed herself?" I was really confused now.

"She did kill herself. She just had a little help along the way," Pete smirked. "Ya ever heard that sayin' turnabout is fair play?" I nodded. "Well, Anthony cast that love spell on Victoria. Izzy told him all about it and how she'd cast it on him. Lies and deceit are not a good way to start any relationship, so she put that out there early on," Pete continued.

"That woman, Victoria, was convinced she was in love with Anthony, and when he didn't return her affections, the old bird went bonkers," Pete chuckled. "He had her committed and went to see her every week. He'd urge her to do harm to herself, because it would please him. In order to win his affections, she did as he requested. Each time she hurt herself, he'd give her just enough attention to get her to do it again. Finally, she slit her wrists too deep and bled out before anyone found her."

As Pete finished his explanation of how Victoria had died, my mind swam with a million unanswered questions. "How did Anthony know it was Victoria who killed Izzy?" I blurted the first question that formed on my tongue.

"Just like I know everything I do. Soul mates can communicate beyond death. Just like how Maggie whispers in my ear, Izzy whispered in Anthony's."

"Nice! Skank got witch-slapped! Serves her ass right," Emmett whooped behind me.

"Let me get this straight. Izzy told Anthony who'd killed her. Showed him how to cast the love spell on her, and then he talked her into killing herself, so she'd be doomed to wander the earth alone without love for eternity?" I pieced the puzzle together out loud, ensuring the rest of the group was following.

"In a nutshell," Pete agreed while nodding.

"Maybe you should get a nutshell. Those things are hangin' so low I think they might need protection," Emmett piped in again.

"Shut it, Emmett!" I shouted. "Don't you understand what this means? Edward can reverse the spell on Victoria, and I can reverse the spell on James, and then we can exorcise all their asses back to the grave and be done with this mess!" I couldn't help the excitement that bubbled up, mixed with the frustration of Emmett's stupid comments.

"How can I reverse the spell?" Edward wondered out loud.

"If I'm Izzy, you sure as hell better be Anthony." I turned to look at Edward and grabbed his face between both hands. "Don't you see? This indescribable attraction we've felt for each other since the first time we met has to mean something. We've been together before. We'll be together again. Every lifetime, we're put here with the sole purpose of finding each other. You're my other half." A lone tear slipped down my cheek, as I realized the reality of the situation I'd just described.

Edward was stunned silent in thought for a moment. Suddenly, he smirked as he reached up and wiped my tear away with his thumb. "When did you become such a sap?"

"Shut up! It's your fault, Nancy-boy," I playfully swatted at his chest.

"You know what you need to do, Bella. I suggest you get started," Alice interrupted with a warning tone in her voice.

"James is still determined to have you join him. Don't give him another opportunity. Victoria is on our side at the moment, because she wants to be at rest. Take advantage of that," she added with finality.

I nodded and looked at Edward. He nodded as well, and we all turned back to face Pete.

"Show us where Iron Snatch is buried," I asked with confidence and determination.

"See, Lads…uh…that might be a problem," Pete looked sheepish.

"What do you mean?" I demanded.

"I may or may not have accidentally used the map to wipe my ass."

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**A/N: You guys still with me? Hang in there and let me know what you think.**


	28. Chapter 28: The End

**Well, this is the final chapter. I'm not sure if I'll do an epi or not yet. We shall see. Enjoy and Review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight**

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**Chapter 28: The End**

**BELLA**

"What! How does that even happen?" I screamed. "How did you accidentally wipe your ass with it?"

"Well, I didn't have any TP, and the map was framed and on the bathroom wall…"

"Never mind, I don't want to know." I didn't know why I'd even asked, really. Everything with Pete so far had been either disgusting or perverted, so why should this have been any different?

"Nice work, dude!" Emmett exclaimed. "I hope you didn't get a paper cut on your taint, though, 'cuz that happened to me once...Not pleasant, I can assure you," he added seriously.

"Thanks for the overshare, Emmett," I deadpanned. "What are we supposed to do now? How are we going to find her?"

"It's okay, Bella. Victoria showed me," Alice spoke softly behind me.

I turned and my shoulders relaxed, as I nodded gratefully and followed her out the door. The rest of the Cullen's tagging along behind. Pete thankfully kept his naked ass in the house.

We followed her towards the back of the property, where the grass met the tree line to the surrounding forest. Alice stopped in front of an ancient tree that had a large stub of a branch that had been cut off at about three feet in length out from the trunk, and it sat very low towards the base of the tree. The end of the stubby branch had been smoothed and rounded throughout years of weather and lack of new growth. A couple of big roots bulged up out of the ground just below it, which had also been rounded and smoothed by time and weather.

"She should be here," Alice pointed to a place on the ground next to the tree.

"That looks like a huge cock and balls!" Emmett exclaimed excitedly pointing out the obvious.

"Yes, she said we'd find her where the 'devil's phallus' points," Alice snickered. "I didn't quite understand what she meant, until I saw this tree."

"Don't just stand there, start digging!" I ordered the guys, who were all standing around snickering amongst themselves as well. My sense of humor was no longer present enough to acknowledge the hilarity of the tree branch that looked so shlong-like.

Edward and Emmett started digging in the vicinity that Alice pointed out. After about forty-five minutes of shoveling, they finally hit a rotted wooden box that held the remains of Victoria Bennett. She was the witch who was responsible for perpetuating the shit storm that we had faced for the last couple of weeks. She was also the means by which it would all end.

The guys finished unearthing the top of the casket and broke open the lid. They quickly doused the bones in rock salt and readied the gasoline to torch her with as well. I could feel an excitement bubbling up within me. I almost couldn't contain it. The anticipation at getting vengeance after almost a century was palpable.

"Edward, are you ready to un-do the love spell?" He nodded at me, as I handed him the spell book, so he could recite the spell in reverse.

"I'm ready for this to be over," Edward replied as he reached over and squeezed my hand.

Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Carlisle, and Esme all stood behind Edward and I in a semi-circle quietly, as Edward began reciting the spell in reverse. I closed my eyes, as he chanted the words, every hair on my body standing on end, and my muscles tensed as I waited for something bad to happen, since that seemed to be the way things went lately.

Edward stopped speaking and squeezed my hand once more. "It's done, love."

My heart skipped a beat, as I realized that we had successfully crossed one hurdle. The love spell had been broken. Now we had to send her spirit off to the hereafter.

Alice nodded her approval at me, and I recited the exorcism to cast Victoria's soul out of this realm and off into the hereafter.

I finished reading the incantation and nodded to Emmett, who was poised with matches, ready to ignite the bones. He threw the flame into the casket, and we all watched mesmerized as the bones quickly turned to dust, emitting a bright green flame as they did.

"Well, that was rather anticlimactic," I spoke out loud to myself. I thought for sure that something or someone would try to stop us. Not even Pete's ass wiping had slowed this process down. Nothing was ever that easy, though.

"Let's not take it for granted," Edward replied. "Let's just hope it goes that smoothly across the street with James."

"Good point. Let's go." We started walking back across the street, while Jasper stayed behind to watch the fire until it was out.

We came to stand at the foot of James' grave and stared into it with trepidation. The decaying bones scattered and twisted, barely resembling the man they used to be. I could see his snaggled teeth still attached to his skull and felt a shiver run through me at the memory of his heinous breath. That memory brought me back to the present and kicked my ass into action.

I took a deep breath and recited the love spell in reverse, releasing James from his cursed love of Izzy without incident.

"Well, that was easy," I smirked arrogantly. I felt like we were finally making some uninhibited progress, and it was hard to contain my excitement.

"Don't get too cocky yet, love. We still need to send their spirits packing," Edward grabbed my shoulder and squeezed, reminding me that we still had one last hurdle to cross.

"Sorry, I guess I was getting ahead of myself." I was ready to start the exorcism and looked over to Emmett to make sure he was ready to go with the matches for all four bodies. He was standing immobile, his eyes transfixed at the ground.

"Earth to Emmett, are you ready?" I shouted playfully. He didn't respond.

I looked over at Edward, and his face looked anxious and worried. His brow furrowed, and he approached Emmett cautiously.

"Are you okay, Emmett?" Edward hesitantly reached out to touch Emmett's shoulder. Emmett's eyes slowly raised and met Edward's, as a sly grin spread across his face.

"I am now zhat jew'r touching me, my sveet," Emmett winked.

Oh shit.

Edward jumped backwards quickly, but Emmett's reflexes were quicker. He grabbed Edward's arm and quickly wrenched it behind his back, holding him immobile, tightly pressing Edward's back to his front.

"Jew'r not going anyvere, my sveet. I haav jew now, und I vill not let jew go." Emmett licked all of the way up Edward's cheek, and I watched as Edward shuddered, and then his cheeks puffed out as he dry-heaved into his mouth.

"It's time to move on, Tanya. You can't have Edward. He's mine," I glared at him/her. I was ignored, however, as he/she continued staring at Edward with unbridled lust in his/her eyes.

"Come, luvah. Do jew not remember all those sveaty nights vit me in bed? I know jew vant dis as much as I do." Edward couldn't respond, as he was in a chokehold.

I'd had about enough of this shit.

I turned to Rosalie, who was looking a little bit pissed off that her man was fondling her brother so openly, and I knew she would be my greatest ally.

"Rosalie, go get some matches and let's finish this," I ordered.

She nodded and ran back towards the house to get the matches. She was pretty freakin' quick and was back within a minute. I nodded my gratitude, and she cautiously walked toward the graves, as I began chanting the exorcism quietly.

The he/she apparently did not notice, as it was too busy rubbing Edward's junk through his jeans and saying disgusting things into his ear. I had to hold back the dry heave that was threatening to crawl up my throat as I chanted.

I finished chanting, and Rosalie promptly tossed the match into Tanya's grave and then the others very quickly. Within seconds, all four unearthed skeletons were glowing bright green.

I looked back over to where Edward was still being held captive by Emmett. He was still in a chokehold, but Emmett's hand had stilled over Edward's junk instead of rubbing it. I saw a flicker of recognition in Emmett's eyes, as he dropped his hands from Edward and pushed him away.

"What the fuck, dude! Why the fuck was I touching your dick again? And why was it hard?" he yelled.

Edward coughed and sputtered for a moment, recovering from the chokehold he'd been in. When he stood up straight, I could see…he had pitched a big-ass tent.

"Shut up, Emmett!" Edward defensively covered his front with both hands. "You were rubbing it, and I had to think of Bella doing it, or I was going to throw up and choke. It was a coping mechanism. Geesh."

Emmett looked green all of a sudden, as did Edward. They were quiet for a moment, as they both contemplated what had just happened.

"We never speak of this again," Emmett spoke seriously.

"Agreed," Edward replied.

They both then proceeded to turn around and vomit rather unceremoniously into the grass behind them. I could hear Carlisle and Esme snickering behind me, and I had a hard time suppressing the laughter that was threatening to spew from my own mouth. Rosalie ran over to comfort Emmett, and I went to Edward's side.

"Did you really get hard thinking of me while a man was touching you?" Edward nodded reluctantly. "I'm flattered," I smiled and pulled him to me for a hug. I wasn't gonna kiss him with barf breath, after all.

"Is it over now?" Esme asked from behind me.

"I think so."

I looked over at Alice, and she nodded her agreement. "They've crossed over. The curse has been lifted, and their souls can finally rest."

Alice's assurance gave me a feeling of relief that was indescribable. It was really over.

"What do we do now?" Edward asked.

I thought about it for a moment, because I really didn't know. In all of the time that I had been investigating the paranormal, I had never come across anything like this. Now that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that ghosts did exist, I was hooked.

"I think we should keep on going and help others. Do you want to join my team?"

Edward smiled, "Just as long as nobody else gets to touch my man bits except for you."

"Deal."


	29. Chapter 29 Epilogue

I had a bit of inspiration hit, and decided to write an epi. I've left it wide open for a sequel, so I may just write one if I'm feeling frisky.

As always, even though the only similarities my story has with it are the character names...I do not own Twilight.

Read and enjoy!

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**S.H.I.T.**

**Epilogue**

**One year later…**

"Edward! Hurry up and get down here. They'll be here any minute!" I shouted up the stairs. He had been in the bathroom trying to tame the hot mess on his head for an hour now, and I was getting impatient.

"I'll be there in a sec!" he shouted back, sounding a little bit pissy.

I didn't have time to dwell on his attitude at the moment, though. I was at the Cullen home, where I now resided with Edward, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie. Esme and Carlisle had decided that it was too much house for them, so they rented it out to us and moved into a high-rise condo downtown. I really knew it was just too much for them living with the memories of everything that had happened here. We were all currently pacing the floor, big balls of nervous energy, waiting for the next big phase in our lives to begin.

After the events that had transpired with Edward's family, I'd decided to capitalize on my newfound knowledge of life after death. With everyone's help, I made a documentary detailing everything that had happened. I put it up on YouTube, and it went viral. Eventually, it was picked up, edited with special interviews they'd conducted with us, and aired as a special feature on the History Channel. We were now waiting on the producers and camera crew to arrive at the house for our pilot episode of _Supernatural Hunters_.

The History Channel decided that they would try and go more _mainstream_ and introduce a reality show, featuring our everyday lives and the cases we took on. Supernatural Hunters in Training had been busy over the last year, so much so that we were able to drop the "In Training" part of the name, much to Emmett's dismay. He said that S.H. didn't have the same appeal, but we were professionals now and needed to start acting like it. The notoriety we'd received from the documentary made my little team the most sought-after paranormal group in the country, and we were never without work.

"Chillax, _Worryella_. It'll be great," Emmett soothed. I wasn't so confident, though. All of our dirty laundry was about to be aired for the world to see. To say that I was nervous would have been an understatement. I was positively scared shitless.

"My spirit guide tells me this is going to work out great, Bella. He's never led me astray," Alice added.

I didn't have time to dwell on her freaky outlook on things at the moment, either. Edward had just descended the stairs.

"What have you done?" I yelled. "You look like Boy George!"

"I didn't mean to," Edward huffed back looking dejected. "I just wanted to make a good impression, and my hair is always so crazy…I just…wanted to look good for once."

"Baby, you always look good. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different," I soothed, feeling bad for blowing up at him. "How on earth did you manage _that,_ though?" I gestured to his head. His hair was greasily slicked back, and he looked like he'd gotten a face lift. His eyes were pulled so tight, that if he hadn't been so damn pasty white, you would have thought he was Chinese.

"I was in a hurry. I didn't look at what I was putting in my hair," he explained. "I thought it was hair gel."

I busted out laughing, when I realized what he had done. "You used the hemorrhoid cream, didn't you?" I choked out, laughing like a banshee. I always keep a tube around to help with the bags under my eyes I sometimes got when we pulled all-nighters. It was sitting right next to the tube of styling cream in the medicine cabinet.

"It's not funny!" Edward huffed. "I had no idea the amount of skin tightening ability that shit has!"

"I'm sorry," I apologized. It was damn funny, but I still felt bad. Edward always managed to get himself into embarrassing shit, though, which was one of the things I loved the most about him.

"You should be! That stuff is greasy as all hell, too!" He was turning red. "I washed my hair three times, and it still won't come out!"

Emmett walked into the room just then. "Dude! You're supposed to use lube to make your _other_ head slippery, you dolt," he chided shamelessly.

"Shut up, Emmett! Don't make me have to tell Bella you borrowed her razor to shave your pubes again," Edward threatened.

"You used my razor? That's fucking disgusting, Emmett!" I barfed in my mouth a little at the thought.

"Chick razors rule! They never cut or nick," Emmett exclaimed. "I couldn't risk skewering the boys. One slip of the wrist and my livelihood could be gone. You just don't understand, because you don't have balls!"

I just shook my head at the ridiculousness of Edward's hair situation, and Emmett's lack thereof in the southern regions. Suddenly, the doorbell rang loudly, interrupting our conversation. The camera crew had finally arrived. I opened the door, and four burley men walked in carrying cameras, microphones and other various film equipment. I recognized one of them instantly.

"Jakey! What are you doing here?" I squealed, running and tackling my ex with a fierce hug. We had parted on pretty good terms. He liked men and had been trying to be something he wasn't with me, so I understood completely.

"This is my new gig, beautiful," Jacob pulled back from me slightly, smiling warmly as he stroked my hair sweetly. "I get to film everything your sweet ass does."

"Uhhh Huummm," Edward cleared his throat loudly behind us. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your…friend?" He was radiating jealousy out of every pour in his body.

"Relax, Guido, I prefer _sausage_ to tacos. No need to get your panties in a twist," Jacob interrupted before I could say anything. He'd obviously picked up on the jealous vibe my man was exuding. "What's with the greasy mobster look, anyway?"

"Edward, Bella's _boyfriend_," he held his hand out for Jacob to shake, ignoring his question.

"Jacob, Bella's very _gay_ _ex_-boyfriend, I look forward to working with you," he held Edward's hand just a little too long and gave him a little wink.

Edward pulled his hand back quickly and, not so discreetly, wiped it on his jeans. Jacob just snickered. When we had dated, he'd been very manly and macho. He had obviously started embracing his feminine side, since he'd come out of the closet.

"Let's get started, people!" a tiny but loud little dude who resembled an Asian Lewis Skolnick from Revenge of the Nerds, complete with thick, taped-in-the-middle glasses and a pocket protector, shouted from behind us. "I'm Eric Yorkie, the producer," he held his hand out for me to shake.

"Nice to meet you, Eric, Bella Swan," I greeted, "and this is my team; Edward, Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, and Alice."

"Well, let's just get started then. Do whatever you'd be doing if the cameras weren't here. If you're too boring, I'll give you direction to spice things up."

Eric went right to work. He was barking orders at his crew, getting them into position, and instructing them to film everything…no matter what.

It was a lot to take in, and I had no clue how to act natural with a bunch of cameras in my face. The rest of the team seemed to be taking it in stride, except Edward, of course. Jacob was standing next to him, stroking his bicep and causing my man to have that constipated look I'd come to know so well over the last year. He was extremely uncomfortable. Emmett brought that look out of him frequently, which was why I knew it so well.

"Alright, guys, let's gather around," I commanded. They all sat down at the dining room table, as I relayed the plans for the day. "We've been called in by Alistair and Didyme Schlotzky for help. They claim to be having some spiritual activity in their home. They've only been living there for a couple of months, and strange occurrences have been happening since shortly after they moved in. They want us to come and take a look and see what we can find," I explained. "It's about an hour drive, so we should get going."

Eric looked pissed at the lack of drama displayed, but I didn't really care. My team would give him what he wanted, eventually. I wasn't worried at all, especially with Emmett around.

We loaded up our equipment and headed up towards Bellingham, where the Schlotzky's lived. The relatively short drive was slow and torturous. Not only did we have a camera man filming our commute, but I had Emmett behind me with a case of the taco farts, Jasper cracking his knuckles incessantly, Alice communing with her freaky spirit guide rather loudly, Rosalie with her ear buds in and singing incredibly off key to music nobody else could hear, and Edward next to me, covered in ass cream. _Not_ a pleasant commute at all, but I was sure Eric would be pleased that they were being themselves for the cameras.

We finally pulled up in front of the little two-bedroom bungalow that was currently under a paranormal siege. A couple, who appeared to be in their early forties, came out to greet us.

"Are you Did-me Shlong-skies?" Emmett ran up to the woman excitedly.

"It's _Did-y-me Schlot-zky," _the woman annunciated slowly for Emmett. "But don't worry; we get that all the time."

"Damn. That's not as cool. You have no idea the cool mental images I came up with, when I thought your name was shlong-ski," Emmett pouted.

"I can only imagine, Emmett," I cut in front of him and introduced myself. "I'm Bella Swan. It's nice to meet you."

"Didyme, and this is my husband, Alistair, but you can call him Al," she said, as she shook my hand. "We're so glad you're here. It's just been awful," she complained.

"Don't worry, Mrs. Schlongski, we'll make it better," I assured her. _Shit! Now Emmett has me saying their name wrong…fucking perfect!_

She didn't acknowledge my slip, fortunately. She waved us into the house and began explaining some of the things that had been going on. There was all of the typical stuff, like furniture being moved frequently, strange sounds at night, and horrible smells that would come out of nowhere. All of this I was very familiar with at this point in my ghost-busting career.

"Would it be okay if I had Alice try and communicate with the spirits here?" I asked the Schlong-dongs. "She might be able to put things to rest the quickest in this situation. Once we know what's going on with the spirits, then we'll know how to approach them," I explained. I had started unleashing Alice on our clientele right out of the gates lately, since she seemed to get right to the root of the problem people were having with the most ease.

The Shlongslingers agreed, so I set Alice to work on the house, with a camera crew on her tail. She walked through every room, talking quietly to herself. I was glad she'd toned down the theatrics a bit, because I didn't want anyone coming in and hauling her off in a straitjacket after the show aired. She continued through the house, but suddenly stopped when she came to the bathroom. She zoned out for a minute and then proceeded to bark out a huge laugh.

"What is it, Alice?" I asked. "Did you figure out what's happening in this house?"

Once she regained her composure, she answered in the affirmative. "This is an easy fix, Bella," she stated confidently.

Ppppppfffffffffftttttt!

The Erection Protection 3000 went off suddenly, signaling that we were not alone, causing all of us to stand up a little straighter…especially Emmett, waiting for Alice's explanation.

"The spirit's name is Artie. He's a biker that was killed about a year ago. This was his house, and he doesn't like the Slutzkies," she explained. "He says they're wannabe hipsters, with bad taste in food, they don't watch TV, and their music sucks. He can't stand sharing his house with them."

Alice went into further detail about how Artie was a biker who had drank, smoked and listened to heavy metal. He was the polar opposite of his new roommates.

Out of nowhere, a horrible smell, even worse than Em's taco farts, permeated the room. We all started sputtering and gagging at the noxious odor.

"What the hell is that?" I asked while covering my nose with my shirt sleeve, trying not to gag.

"That's Artie," Alice replied nonchalantly. "It's his way of announcing his presence. He figured if he kept doing it, they'd eventually leave."

"Way to go, Fartie!" Emmett hooted and fist pumped, "Stellar plan! I've actually done that before, and it usually does make people leave."

Edward pulled me to the side and whispered in my ear, "Since Emmett and the ghost seem to be of the same mindset, why don't we let Emmett try and fix this one," he reasoned. "I need to talk to you about something anyways."

I turned and looked at my sweet, shy, ass-cream-slathered boyfriend. He had that constipated look again, so I agreed.

"Emmett, since you and Artie are on the same page, I think you should figure out a solution that'll work out for both parties involved here. Edward and I are going to step outside for a second," I instructed.

"I already have the answer, Belly Boo!" Emmett replied boisterously. He turned and addressed the Ramma-lamma-ding-dongs directly. "You guys need to get your shit together," he said sternly. "If you could pull the hipster stick out of your asses and just be normal people, I'm sure you and Fartie could get along just fine." I heard him pointing out the different types of fast food they could try, and which shows to watch on TV.

I just chuckled, as Emmett tried to fix the situation with his usual simplistic approach he always used with everything. Edward and I proceeded to step outside, with Jake hot on our heels, holding the camera and filming our every move.

"Are you alright, Edward? You look like you're about to turn into a multicolored organic fountain." I touched the side of his face to make sure he wasn't running a fever or anything. His face had gone green, and he was sweating profusely. _Maybe the ass cream has soaked into his brain, and it's shrinking, too?_ _Shit!_

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I didn't even think about the cameras being here. I've been trying to do this for so long, I don't even know what in the hell I'm doing now," Edward began rambling.

I was starting to get nervous. He was so serious, and whatever he had to tell me, it had been weighing heavily on him. I didn't know what I'd do if he dumped me, or if he had a problem with me that was serious enough to warrant this type of behavior.

"I'm so sorry!" I blurted. "I know that I snore, and I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, but I can change! Please, don't do this!" I broke down and began sobbing.

"Oh shit, baby, I really fucked this up," he soothed. "I don't know what's going through that head of yours, but it's not what you're thinking."

"You don't want me to move out?" I choked out, trying to keep the tear-induced snot in my nose, but failing miserably.

"What? How could you even think that? I love everything about you!" He grabbed a tissue out of his pocket, handing it to me to clean the snot that was getting dangerously close to my lip, "Even your snotty nose."

"I don't understand. What are you so worked up about then?" I was going out of my mind waiting for him to respond. A million scenarios flashed through my mind. _He could have gotten herpes from those slutty ghosts and only just discovered it! What if he found out that Emmett had been borrowing his underwear when he runs out, and wants _him_ to move out? Oh shit! Maybe he found out that I'm the one who drew the penis on his cheek when he was passed out drunk last week!_

"This is what has me so worked up." He pulled a small black box out of his pocket and got down on one knee.

"No! Stop!" I screamed. Edward looked absolutely deflated, as his knee made contact with the ground.

"You don't want to marry me?" he asked, his eyes welling up with tears.

"No! That's not what I meant!" I replied. "I was just trying to stop you from kneeling in that pile of dog shit," I gestured to the pile of poop his knee was currently engulfed in.

At this point, the rest of the team had come out to see what all of the commotion was about. There were several cameras pointing right at us.

"I can't do anything right," Edward complained, but continued anyways. "I guess I should apologize for ruining the moment, but I'm not sorry for wanting this. Bella Swan…will you marry me?"

I stared at my beautiful man kneeling in dog poop, tears and snot running down my face unabashedly. I thought that this moment couldn't have possibly been more perfect for us. We'd had an unconventional beginning, a rollercoaster ride in the middle, and now, the culmination of it…ending in a pile of shit.

Apparently, my mental musings were taking a little too long, and Edward mistook my silence for another negative response. "It's okay. You don't have to. I just thought you wanted the same things as me," Edward said sullenly while putting the ring back in his pocket.

My dumb ass kicked into gear finally, looking at the rejection written all over his face. "Yes! Yes, I'll marry you. Give me the damn ring already!"

He smiled bigger than I'd ever seen and pulled the ring back out. He slipped it on my finger silently, as he rose back up from the ground, yard fudge stuck to his knee. Everyone around us was cheering, as he pulled me in and kissed me with more passion than I'd ever felt. I was getting lightheaded from so many overwhelming feelings. Before I knew what was happening, my knees had buckled, and I fell straight into the pile of dog shit, too.

It was horrible, and it smelled awful, but I thought it absolutely fitting that S.H.I.T. had brought us together, and SHIT had sealed the deal…literally.

The End

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A/N: I hope you all enjoyed the ride and would love to hear from you. Reviews may just prompt me to write a sequel sooner rather than later.

For those of you who haven't checked it out yet, I have another story started and would love to hear your thoughts on it too!

I'd like to thank Dollybigmomma once again, for offering her wonderful beta skills. I had no idea how many commas were actually needed in a sentence before she came along. So thank you, and you ROCK!

Big thanks to Savannavansmutsmut as well, for recommending my story to Dolly in the first place. You guys are awesome.


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